Customs Officer… Kate McKinnon
Visitor… Melissa Villaseñor[Stars with video clips of US flag and iconic places from US] [Cut to Cecily at the airport]
Cecily: Hello. Bonjour. Hola. Konichiwa. And welcome to the United States. As you’re waiting in line, this video will let you know what to expect and what is required to pass through US customs. We take our border very seriously. Be sure to pay attention and we’ll get you going as soon as po–[Video pauses]
Male voice: Portions of this video have been recently edited.
Cecily: Let’s go ove a few documents you’ll need. First, your completed customs form. You’ll lso need a valid passport from your country of origin.[Video pauses]
Male voice: Not including Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan or Yemen. And maybe Australia. We’ll see.
Cecily: Our priority is to make this process easy for each and every one of you.
Oh wait, he’s good. Come on in, bud. [zooming to a kid] Aw, no.
Cecily: In addition, you may be asked to provide a few–
Male voice: Hundred.
Cecily: — simple–
Male voice: Confusing.
Cecily: Forms. If you need assistance, there will be someone–
Male voice: No one.
Cecily: — to help you. With all your forms filled out, proceed ahead–
Male voice: Also form C-9, F-12, and D-9B.
Cecily: — you’re almost done.[Cut to Male speaking inside US Department of Homeland Security office]
Male voice: Getting started. Effective immediately, all visitors will be subject to extreme vetting procedures including a highly detailed questionnaire. [Showing questionnaire with a question “Are you Muslim?”] We also need fingerprints, blood sample, urine sample, stool sample. And you will be required to eat a hot dog in front of us.[phone ringing] Hello, yeah, it’s going- The video is coming along really well.
Cecily: You can now approach the customs desk. When you reach the customs officer, she will–
Male voice: He will.
Cecily: — ask you a series of questions, such as-
Customs officer: What is the purpose of your visit?
Visitor: I’m here to see my mother. She is a–
Male voice: Terrorist.
Customs officer: What is your occupation?
Visitor: I am a certified nurse.
Male voice: Drug dealer.
Customs officer: Welcome to the United States.
Male voice: Go home please. Okay, I understand. Bye. America first.[Cut to Cecily]
Cecily: Congratulations. And welcome to the United States. A land of opportunity from sea–
Male voice: Trump Tower.
Cecily: — to shining.
Male voice: To Trump Tower.
Judge blocked the ban? No! Please, I just made the whole video!