Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
Eric… Alex Moffat
Julian Assange… Kate McKinnon[Starts with introduction video]
Male voice: May 17, 2017, Robert Mueller is appointed special counsel and tasked with the investigation of firing of James Comey and links between the Trump campaign and the Russian government. On covering numerous attempts by Wikileaks master mind, Julian Assange, to influence the outcome of the American election via contact with Jared Kushner and other members of the Trump inner circle. The targets pile Manafort, Flynn, Gates, Papadopoulos, possibly leading to the oval office and the president himself. These are The Mueller Files.
The following is the reenactment of events that may have taken place autumn of last year.[Cut to London.] [Subtitle- September 20, 2016. Parking garage beneath the Ecudorin Bmbassy, London, England.] [Cut to Donald Trump Jr. standing alone. Julian Assange walks in]
Donald Trump Jr.: Hello, Mr. Assange, I presume.
Julian Assange: Good day, Mr. Trump Jr. I am Julian Assange. I appreciate you coming all the way to London to meet face to face.
Donald Trump Jr.: No worries. As secure and off the record as sliding into my twitter DMs, I thought this might be safer.
Julian Assange: I trust you came alone?
Donald Trump Jr.: My brother Eric is waiting in the car. Not to worry. I told him to honk the horn if he gets scared. Now, Mr. Assange–[horn honking]
Excuse me for a moment.[Donald Trump Jr. walks away and walks back with Eric]
Eric will be joining us. Eric, this is Mr. Assange.
Eric: He looks like Draco Malfoy.
Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! That was rude! What did we say about making fun of people’s appearances, bud?
Eric: That’s dad’s thing?
Donald Trump Jr.: Yes.
Julian Assange: The deal was, you come alone.
Donald Trump Jr.: Well, circumstances changed, Assange. Eric’s wife had to work, so I have him for the day.
Julian Assange: How do I know I can trust him?
Donald Trump Jr.: Hm, having Eric here is basically like being alone. Watch. Eric, what’s this man’s name?
Eric: Julliard Massage.
Donald Trump Jr.: And what organization did he found?
Eric: Ricki Lakes.
Donald Trump Jr.: And what does Ricki Lakes do?[Eric looks around]
Eric: I’m Eric!
Donald Trump Jr.: Dead end. Trust me, your secret is safe with Eric.
Julian Assange: Careful, there’s a car coming. Don’t be seen.[Donald Trump Jr. and Julian Assange look way. Eric waves his hand to the car.]
Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, that was a little too close for comfort. Let’s get down to business. Mr. Assange, there is something we have been waiting for very long time.
Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, buddy. We are going to go there after this. Alright? I want dirt on Hillary.
Julian Assange: Wow, you’re in luck. Okay? I have some information about Hillary Clinton that might be quite useful to your father’s campaign. How does a treasure trove of Hacked DNC e-mails sound?[Julian Assange hands an envelope to Donald Trump Jr.]
Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, thank god for wikileaks.
Eric: For shrinky dinks.
Julian Assange: Keep that in a safe place, alright?
Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, I will. [Eric turns around. He is carrying a Minion back-pack. Donald Trump Jr. puts the envelope inside the back-pack.] This bag never leaves Eric’s side.
Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Now, if you think you are getting that for free, you are mistaken, okay? I”m not some dumb blonde you can take advantage of.
Eric: But your hair is white!
Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! Come on!
Julian Assange: It’s not white. It’s a platinum bob with a man’s front wisp. And what I want, Mr. Trump Jr., is to be cleared of all espionage charges. That would really save my ass.[Eric whispers in Donald Trump Jr.’s ear]
Donald Trump Jr.: Eric wants you to know that ass is a bad word. And if you help my father, I’ll help you. He is always loyal to his friends.
Eric: What about Chris Christie?
Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, come on!
Eric: And Rudy Giuliani?
Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric!
Eric: And mom?
Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, do you want to play with your spinner thing?[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a spinner to play]
Donald Trump Jr.: Got that at the airport. Mr. Assange, I assure you that your efforts will be rewarded. [Eric is just looking at the spinner and he doesn’t know how to play with it.] Eric, buddy, this lights up. That’s it’s whole thing. Look. [Donald Trump Jr. turns the spinner’s light for Eric] Look. There you go, bud. Yes, that’s what it does. [to Julian Assange] My father would never sell you out. Help him now and you will be repaid a thousand fold.
Julian Assange: Okay. Well, I think we are done here then. I look forward to working with you. And when I say you, I do mean you. Not necessarily Eric.
Donald Trump Jr.: Understood. Oh, and Mr. Assange, before we go, there is something Eric and I would like to say. Live–
Eric: Live. [pronouncing it as in living.]
Donald Trump Jr.: It’s not live. It’s live. Live, right? Do you want to try it? Let’s do it.
Donald Trump Jr., Eric and Julian Assange: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.