Hank…..Mikey Day
Fenster…..Adam Driver
Frat Guy 1 (Andrew Gucherman)…..Beck Bennett
Frat guy 2…..Chris Redd
Sorority Girl 1…..Ego Nwodim
Sorority Girl 2…..Cecily Strong
Sorority Girl 3…..Aidy Bryant
Frat guy 3…..Pete Davidson
Frat guy 4…..Alex Moffat
Sorority Girl 4…..Heidi Gardner
Sorority Girl 5…..Melissa Villaseñor
[ Image of the front of a Frat House with a title that reads in ‘Rad Times At Frat U”. ] [ Cut to Fenster and Hank walking down the street towards the Frat House. ]Hank: I don’t know Fenster, a frat party?
Fenster: Come on Hank, it’s Homecoming weekend! You have to party.
Hank: Yeah, I should be studying.
[ They approach the door and Fenster rings the doorbell. ]Fenster: Come on, dorkus, live a little.
Frat guy 1: Ooh, welcome to the fun house, nerds. Homecoming weekend. Hahahaha.
[ Hank and Fenster enter a very crowded active party. ]Hank: Oh boy.
Fenster: Well Hank, this will be a night we will never forget.
[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Fenster as he enters the party. Below his face is the caption, ‘Stated in a recent deposition he has no memory of this night.’ ] [ Cut to the break in a game of pool. ] [ Cut to a frat guy shotgunning a beer. ] [ Cut to frat guy 1 and 2 standing in the kitchen drinking beers. ]Frat guy 2: Wow, this party’s crazy.
Frat guy 1: Look around freshman. Nothing we do tonight matters.
Frat guy 1 & 2: No consequences!
Sorority Girl 1: Sorry guys, turns out we couldn’t get beer.
Sorority Girl 2: But we got cocaine!!! [ She waves a small bag of white powder. The rest of the party cheers. Then she rubs some of the white powder on her gums. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of sorority girl 2 rubbing cocaine on her gums. The caption below her face reads, ‘Fox News Correspondent’. ] [ Cut to sorority girl 1 dancing then black and white freeze frame of her with cocaine smeared below her nose. The caption reads, ‘MSNBC anchor’. ] [Cut to Sorority girl 3 waking up on the couch. She has sharpie markings all over her face and she walks away from the couch. Then the camera does the black and white freeze frame with her caption reading, ‘Forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ] [ Cut to two sorority girls making out. ]
Random frat guy’s voice: Woah, those chicks are making out.
[ Cut to a group of frat guys sitting on the stairs, drinking beers, while watching the two girls make out. ]Frat guy 3: Oh wow, two girls kissing. I live for this stuff boys.
[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 3 smiling on the stairs. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lives upstate with husband of 15 years’. ] [ Cut to Hank sitting on the couch talking to a girl. ]Hank: Man, I’m not going to get stuck in this town. I’m going places.
[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Hank. His caption reads, ‘Dead’. ] [ Cut to a beer can being opened. ] [ Cut to the dance floor where everyone is dancing. There is girl, Agnus, with head gear up front and frat guy 1 approaches her. ]Frat guy 1: Hey Agnus, I got you a present. [ He goes in for a kiss over her head gear and she pulls away saying, ‘Ew!’ ]
Frat guy 4: Twenty bucks my dude. [ He hands frat guy 1 $20 as a reward for kissing Agnus over her head gear. ]
Frat guy 1: Ew, I can’t believe I did that.
Frat guy 4: Me either! [ They shake hands and hug. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Frat guy 1 with his hands in the air smiling. The caption reads, ‘Perpetually haunted by this moment’. ] [ Cut to Frat guy 4 dancing then black and white freeze frame. This caption reads, ‘Also forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ] [ Cut to three sorority girls drinking beers next to other party-goers playing Pong on a small TV. ]
Sorority Girl 4: Ew, did you hear that the Gooch kissed Agnus the hag-nus?
Sorority Girl 2: Ugh, that guy is such a skeez.
Sorority Girl 5: Yeah, stay away from him.
[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of the three sorority girls. The caption is below Sorority Girl 5 and it reads, ‘Dated him’. The caption below sorority girl 2 reads, ‘Dated him’. And the caption below sorority girl 4 reads, ‘Married him’. ] [ Cut to the pool. There are a few people in the pool and the rest are standing around the pool. Frat guy 1 is walking to the edge of the diving board fully clothed. ]Frat guy 1: Hey everybody! People are going to be talking about this party for the rest of our lives. And when they do, remember that I, Andrew Gucherman, did this. [ He unzips his pants and pulls them down revealing his naked lower half. ] Memorize these nuts! [ He takes off his shirt and does a back flop into the pool. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of a naked frat guy 1 just before he lands in the pool on his back. The caption reads, ‘Insisted to a federal grand jury he never did this’. ] [ Cut to frat guy 1 splashing into the pool and the rest of the party-goers cheering him along from the sides of the pool. ] [Cut to black and white freeze frame of the party-goers cheering. Captions start appearing underneath everyone reading, ‘Backed him up’ and the caption beneath Hank reads, ‘Killed by Andrew Cunanan’. ] [ Cut to image of the front of the frat house with a caption that reads, ‘Frat disbanded after five-part Rolling Stone article’. ] [ Cut to Fenster sitting handcuffed between two FBI agents. ]
Fenster: But hey, that was the 80’s. So how serious are the charges?
