Kyle Mooney voiceover: [ Cut to Kyle approaching NBC Studios. ]
So we’re back at SNL.[ Cut to Kyle walking through the building. ]
Which is great.[ Cut to Kyle opening the door for Studio 8 H. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting facing the camera and speaking out loud. ]
Kyle Mooney: It’s my sixth season. Sometimes I still feel like people don’t know who I am.[ Cut to closing sequence of a previous SNL episode. Camera darkens out the hosts in the foreground and brightens a small Kyle clapping from behind mixed in with the rest of the cast. ]
Kyle Mooney voiceover: At the end of last year I thought maybe…[ Cut back to Kyle facing the camera. ]
Kyle Mooney: …it’s finally happening. But then, this summer happened..[ Cut to Joe Fryer on NBC News. ]
Joe Fryer: SNL’s Pete Davidson has confirmed [ Cut to Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande posing for photos at the VMA’s. ] that he and singer, Ariana Grande, are engaged.
Carson Daly: Ariana and Pete’s announcement of their engagement…[ Cut to three Instagram photos of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. ]
Female Voiceover: They’re engaged![ Cut to Pete Davidson coming out of an elevator as Kyle Mooney approaches from the hallway to the right. ]
PETE DAVIDSON: Ah, L-Dog, this year’s gonna be lit.
Lorne Michaels: Get in here, brother. [ Lorne and Pete hug. ]
PETE DAVIDSON: Love you man.
Lorne Michaels: Love you, too.
KYLE MOONEY: Hey Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: Oh hey, Hey Kevin. [ Lorne Michaels walks past Kyle and down the hall. ] [ Cut back to Kyle Mooney speaking to the camera. ]
KYLE MOONEY: I feel like this year I gotta make a statement.[ Cut to Kyle looking in the mirror]
KYLE MOONEY Voiceover: So I’m gonna change things up a bit.
Female Hairdresser: Okay you sure you want to this? [ The hairdresser walks over and wraps a haircutting cape around Kyle. ]
KYLE MOONEY: Yeah.
Female Hairdresser: Here we go. [ The hairdresser turns on an electric razor and approaches Kyle’s hairline. ] [Cut to black screen. ]
Female Producer Voice: Kyle to the floor please. Kyle.
BECK BENNETT: Kyle?
KYLE MOONEY: Haha, what up.
BECK BENNETT: Why you so late man?
KYLE MOONEY: Why does it matter bro? I was just doing my thing. [ Kyle brings a rolled joint to his mouth and inhales. He then exhales onto Beck who backs away and swats the smoke from his face. ]
BECK BENNETT: Stop that dude. What are you…why are you smoking?
KYLE MOONEY: By the way that shirt’s pretty lit.
BECK BENNETT: Lit?[ Cut to the ‘new’ Kyle speaking to the camera. ]
KYLE MOONEY: I love this bro. People are finally starting to take me seriously. Now all I need is a hot celebrity girlfriend. And that’s fine by me.[ Cut to Kyle walking into the meeting room of SNL writers. ]
KYLE MOONEY: Writers! If you guys are going to write me into your sketches. Y’all got to write my girlfriend into them, too. Come on in here baby. Y’all know my girl..Wendy Williams.[Wendy Williams walks in carrying a picnic basket. ]
Wendy Williams: Hi everyone. Hi honey.[ Kyle opens the picnic basket, and baby pig pops its head out. ]
KYLE MOONEY: We adopted a pig. Swag! [ Kyle makes a pumping motion with his fist, and Wendy William kisses him on the cheek. ] [ Cut to the elevators where Kenan Thompson is waiting for an elevator. Kyle and singer, Kid Cudi, come out of an elevator laughing. Pete Davidson walks up to them. ]
PETE DAVIDSON: Yo, Cudi, I hit you earlier to hang out. How come you didn’t hit me back?
Kid Cudi: Oh, I guess, uh, I was just busy.
KYLE MOONEY: Yeah, yeah, busy. [ Kyle laughs and wraps one arm around Kid Cudi’s shoulders. ]
PETE DAVIDSON: Yo Kyle.
KYLE MOONEY: What’s up?
PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you stealing my look and my friends? Don’t you know I have, like, mental problems?[ Kyle pulls out a bottle of pills and shakes them at Pete. ]
KYLE MOONEY: Me too. [ Pete knocks the bottle of pills out of Kyle’s hand. Pete and Kyle start getting ready to fight. ] You wanna come at me, bro? [Kenan Thompson steps in breaks them apart.] You wanna come at me?
PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!
KENAN THOMPSON: Chill. Chill! Y’all wanna settle this..do it the ‘Saturday Night Live’ way. Cool?
PETE DAVIDSON: Cool.
KYLE MOONEY: Cool.[ Cut to a Romanesque set where the SNL cast members are dressed in medieval costumes. Pete and Kyle are in the middle of their circle in battle outfits getting ready to fight. ] [ Cut to Chris Redd drinking from an old mug. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett observing the room. ] [ Cut to Heidi Gardner eating a banana then tossing the peel. ] [ Cut to Pete licking his lips and standing across from Kyle surrounded by the other cast members. ]
Aidy Bryant: Gentleman choose wisely. [ Aidy presents a choice of weapons. Pete chooses the sword. Kyle chooses the ball and chain. Pete and Kyle begin to circle around each other. ] [ Cut to Adam Driver standing from the balcony overlooking the scene. ]
Adam Driver: Guys, guys, guys, guys. As host of this show, I think I have to ask you to not do this. [ Adam is shot with an arrow into his leg. ] Jesus![ Cut to Beck holding a bow after he shot the arrow. ]
BECK BENNETT: You don’t belong here.[ Cut to Adam Driver limping off the balcony with the arrow stuck in his leg. ] [ Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. ]
MELISSA VILLASEÑOR: Now, fight! [ Melissa hits a gong with a mallett. ] [ Cut to Kyle and Pete circling each other holding their weapons. ]
KYLE MOONEY: I’m going to enjoy this.[ Pete lowers his sword. ]
PETE DAVIDSON: Why are we doing this man? I don’t want to fight you.
KYLE MOONEY: Really?
PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, man. We’re friends.[ Kyle sighs with relief. Then Pete thrusts his sword into Kyle’s chest. ] [ Cut to Heidi looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Chris looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Pete releasing his sword and Kyle stumbling backwards. Kyle slips on the banana peel that Heidi had thrown aside earlier. ] [ Cut to Pete smirking. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting up holding the banana peel with the sword still in his chest. Kyle laughs. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett laughing. ] [ Cut to Aidy and Melissa laughing. ] [ Cut to Pete hesitating a smile then giving in to laughter as he looks around the room. ] [ Cut to Kyle continuing to laugh. ] [ Cut to Pete mockingly imitating Kyle slipping on the banana peel. The rest of the cast continues to laugh in the background. ] [ Cut to Pete and Kyle facing the camera and talking. Kyle is back in his regular haircut and clothes. ]
PETE DAVIDSON: Well, um, it looks like we’re friends again.
KYLE MOONEY: Yeah. And I guess I learned that it doesn’t matter what you look like or how popular you are. It’s just about having fun.
PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Hey, what’s that? [ Pete points to nothing on Kyle’s chest. Kyle looks down at his finger, and Pete flicks him on the nose. Kyle flinches. Pete laughs. Kyle begins to cough and spit up blood, and his chest wound opens up and begins to bleed. ]
KYLE MOONEY: Doctor says I’m going to die a little later.