…..Pete Davidson[ Adam Driver walks out onto the stage in front of the SNL band to speak to the audience. Adam waves to the audience and signals for them to stop cheering. ]
Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am Adam, designated driver, and this is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Which is exciting. This is exciting. Which is exciting, which is exciting. But, the only thing about hosting the first show back is all anyone in the cast wants to do is talk about their summers. Which is fine. It’s fine. This is all fine. Honestly, it’s just about me. I’m terrible at small talk.
AIDY BRYANT: Okay my dude. Hi!
Adam Driver: Okay it’s happening.
AIDY BRYANT: How was your summer?
Adam Driver: It was, uh, it was good. You know. I worked a little and traveled a little. And uh…how was your summer?
AIDY BRYANT: Oh, you know, it was good. Yeah. I worked a little. I traveled a little. Chilled with some…[ Adam stands there looking contemplative. He nods his head as his voiceover explains what he is thinking. Aidy continues to speak about her summer, but her voice is silenced. ]
Adam Driver voiceover: Oh my God, is this really happening? Is she really describing her whole summer? Of course she worked a little and traveled a little. That’s what every friggin’ idiot does. Oh no she paused. Quick laugh and smile a little.[ Adam speaks out loud again. ]
Adam Driver: Yeah. [ Adam forces an uncomfortable laugh. ]
AIDY BRYANT: Anyway we are so happy to have you back.
Adam Driver: Oh, and I am great [ Adam stutters. ] for to be back.
AIDY BRYANT: Okay, you hang in there man. [ Aidy walks off stage. ]
Adam Driver: Okay so anyway, on huge spoiler about Star Wars…[ Beck Bennett walks onto the stage. ]
BECK BENNETT: Ohh, what’s up my man? How was your summer?
Adam Driver: It was good. [ Adam stutters. ] How was your summer?
BECK BENNETT: Oh, it was pretty good. I worked a little; I traveled a little.[ Adam looks annoyed and begins to think again. ]
Adam Driver Voiceover: You know what Beck… [ Bleep ] you! Are you really doing this dude?
BECK BENNETT: And, uh, I got married this summer. So I’m a big boy now. Yeah. Thank you. Adam, do you know how it feels to be a big boy?
Adam Driver: Well I’m also married, and I was a Marine.
BECK BENNETT: Oh okay, wow. You win! [ Beck turns away from Adam and walks off the stage. ] [Kenan Thompson walks onto the stage. ]
KENAN THOMPSON: Adam what’s up man? Welcome back, man! How was your summer?
Adam Driver: Yes it was so so so so so so so so fun. And you?
KENAN THOMPSON: Well you know..I worked a little, and I traveled a little. Work hard, play hard. Am I right? [ Kenan laughs. ] [ Adam looks displeased and begins to think again. ]
Adam Driver Voiceover: Don’t hit Kenan. Whatever you do, don’t hit Kenan. You worked so hard on your anger issues. Don’t blow it on live TV.
KENAN THOMPSON: Man, it is a funny story.
Adam Driver: That’s so funny, yes! Ha ha ha![ Kenan looks frightened and begins to think. ]
KENAN THOMPSON Voiceover: Yo, is Adam Driver going to hit me? I mean it really looks like he’s about to go all Kylo Ren on my ass.[ Cut to Adam Driver looking fierce. Star Wars like music begins to play. Cut back to Kenan looking frightened. ]
KENAN THOMPSON: Okay, anyway, um. Break a leg tonight.
Adam Driver: Oh, I will!
KENAN THOMPSON: Oh, I’m out. [ Kenan exits the stage quickly. ]
Adam Driver: Where was I? So, Ewoks are real, and I’ll tell you where to find them. You take a plane to Traverse City, Michigan…[ Pete Davidson walks onto the stage. ]
PETE DAVIDSON: Yo! What up Adam? So, how was your summer man? Did you work a little or travel a little by chance?
Adam Driver: I did Pete. How was your summer?
PETE DAVIDSON: Oh you don’t want to hear about my summer.
Adam Driver: No actually, you’re the one person whose summer I want to hear about.[ Pete smiles at the camera and winks, and then he walks off the stage. ]
Adam Driver: We got a great show for you tonight! We’re going to work a little, travel a little. Kanye frickin’ West is here! So stick around. Oh, and hey kids, why not smoke a cigarette during the commercial break. Because we’re back!