Amy Schumer Monologue

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Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you very much. Thank you so much. [someone passes her a mic] Oh, and thank you so much. It is so great to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yes. It’s the best. Some of you may have heard, I got married this year. Sorry, ladies. It’s been locked down. And some people are like, “What are you gonna talk about now on your stand up? All you talked about was getting railed.” And I’m like, “Thank you.” But it’s true. I mean, I’m a little sad. I’m never gonna get a “You up?” text again. You know? Not like they were rolling in but it was nice to know someone was thinking about me. I one time got a “You up?” text and I wrote the guy back and he texted me, “Sorry. Wrong text.” I was like, “Me too. I’ll just cancel my Uber. Who cares?”

So, I did. I got married in the way that my now husband proposed was so worthless. It was such a dumb proposal. It was the morning. I was still asleep. He threw the box at me and said, “I got you this.” Like, it’s just– But that’s really– That’s a realistic proposal, you know? I feel like in all the movies and TV shows, it’s always a guy getting down on one knee and the girl’s always like, shocked. You know? Like, she’s like, “[screams] I didn’t even know you liked me.” You know, like, you’re gonna spend your life with this dude who you didn’t even know he liked you?

But, the girls I know, I’m from New York, we all got married in like mid late 30s. The guy would propose and all my friends are like, “Oh, now? Now you’re ready? That I probably can’t have kids? Great! Cool! You’re not in love. You’re tired. You’re tired. And I know all your passwords. That’s what’s happening.”

I have been a bridesmaid in six Long Island weddings. Do you understand what that means? And again, it’s like they all got married in their mid or late 30s. It’s like– you know, it’s New York. If you get engaged in 40, people are just like, “Whoa, teen bride! Get to know him. Meet this man. Go through menopause.”

And there’s something like, a little bit sad about being a bride’s maid in your late 30s. It’s like I’m always standing there in a Greecian gown with my aging cleavage, like coachella flower thing. And you’re just standing in that line of bridesmaids hoping you don’t have the biggest arm. That’s it. You’re just like, “Is my–” You’re like doing an arm workout. You’re doing a tricep press. Like, “She does.”

But my friends– People when they were younger, it used to be you get married in your 20s and you have a little spaghetti arm, you’re holding champagne like, “This is heavy.” You know? 30s, it’s just like a sea of turkey leg. You’re all just like, “Ugh!”

One of my best friends got married this summer. She’s an anthropologist and by that I just mean she goes to that store Anthropology a lot. She loves like, a lobster print on her dress. I could not afford anthropology growing up. I still, if I can get anything for free, I want it. There are things like, you could get for free. Like, a razor, your could seal from a gym or something. And they’re not like, a moisturized razor. It’s kind of just like a violent straight razor. But they’re free. They are free. Something else you can get for free. Tampons. Honestly, someone will always hook you up. You’ll never have to just like, bleed out. Someone will– A sister will be there for you. It’s true. We get each other’s backs. We do. And the way we ask each other, it’s not even like– you don’t even have to say the word. It’s more like a rhythm and motion. You look around like you’re about to talk rudely about somebody at a family reunion. And you go, [in soft voice] “Does anyone have like, the… huh?” You don’t even say the last words. You’re just, “Ya. Ya. [gibberish] ?” We say it like that because we’ve been taught to be ashamed of being born human women because men, I think you think that we just get our periods every month but we choose to get it. We go, “I’m bored. What should I do? I think I’ll bleed. Just bleed for a couple of days.” So, we whisper it coz we’re embarrassed.

So, I asked this group of girls. I was at a gym locker room the other day. And I was like, “Does anyone [gibberish] ?” And this girl was like, “Oh, yeah. I do. What size?” And I’m like– Of course I know there’s different sizes of tampons. But I’ve never been confronted with that question. Like, “Oh, yeah. What’s the circumference of your vagina hole? Is that– Do you have a big hole? Or is it a smaller?” And then everyone in the locker room kind of turns to see my answer. And I’m like, “How about, do you have something in a gaping? How about that? Gaping days? Is that? Just something that could plug a small hole in a Kayak. Is that in your Louis Vuitton?”

This one’s just for the ladies. Ladies, remember how we were raised with the illusion of equality, right? That was our Santa Claus, right? Wasn’t that funny? Oh. When we were little girls, they were like, [nagging voice] “You can do anything.” And we were like, “Yayy!” And then we got older and they were like, “Psyche!” And we were like, “You guys, you got us again. This sucks. This sucks.”

I think something that we can do is to just– if your mother raised these boys to be a little nicer at a young age, I really think that’s a good idea. Let’s think about it. When you’re a little girl, a little boy is men to you or he teases you. What does everyone say? “He likes you.” Right? And you’re like, “Okay, great.” You’re like, “He knocked my books out of my hands.” “Valentine.” “He pushed me on the floor.” “You’re going to prom.” Okay, great.

You guys are such a great crowd. I really hope, if you haven’t already, you see my film “I Feel Pretty.” [cheers and applause] Thank you. I’m so proud of it. But, if you see it, bring tissues… coz you’re gonna want to masturbate. I look so good in this movie.

You’re such a great crowd. We’ve got a great show tonight. Kacey Musgraves is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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