Heidi: Who got me this? Janet was this from you? It’s a little bib that says ‘Hot Mess’.
Janet: [Cut to Janet sitting holding her baby] Yes, yes, there is this store that puts gay talk on baby things and I can’t get enough.
Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] That’s so cute.
Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Hey, what’s the door code?
Heidi: [Cut to Heidi and Carrie] 343, why?
Carrie: Oh, my girl Deedee just got here.
Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Janet] Your girl? What do you mean?
Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Oh yes, I invited my dog walker to come.
Heidi: [Cut to Heidi, confused] To my baby shower?
Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Because she’s cool and we’ve gotten very close through texts and she’s like somebody I want to be more like.
Heidi: [Cut to Heidi, confused] Okay I guess.[Deedee comes through the door with a pizza slice on her hand]
Deedee: Oh hey, what’s up? I’m Deedee, Hi.
Carrie: Deedee, hi, come sit down next to me. [Carrie pushes away her friend Tina who was already sitting next to her]
Deedee: Hi, cool party. Looks like I’m the youngest one here, pretty dope.
Tina: [Cut to Tina] I guess so. Do you need a plate for that?
Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] I mean pizza’s a plate right?
Carrie: Pizza’s a plate. Haha, that’s Deedee.
Deedee: So who’s the baby shower for?
Heidi: [Cut to Heidi raising her hands] Me. Oh my go, I can’t believe my due date is so soon.
Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Aww, don’t be nervous. We’ve all been through it. You’ll be fine.
Tina: I’ve had three.
Janet: Yeah, and I’ve had my Joshua.
Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] Well, we don’t all have kids. I’d need to find a boyfriend first.[Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet laugh out loud] [Cut to Carrie and Deedee looking at them laugh]
Deedee: Excuse me, why did everyone laugh?
Janet: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Well, she made a little joke.[Cut to Carrie and Deedee]
Deedee: Is it a joke? I mean Carrie doesn’t have a partner or anything, so is that the funny part?
Carrie: Deedee, it’s fine.
Deedee: Is it fine? Because I think they’re being rude knowing your situation.
Carrie: I know they are, okay? But this is what I’m used to, okay? It’s not like I can say something. [Carrie speaks with a crying voice, then storms out of the sofa]
Deedee: Carrie, where are you going?
Carrie: I’m going away.
Deedee: Carrie, look at me.
Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Janet] What’s happening?
Janet: I don’t know.
Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] If you leave right now, they win. Is that what you want?
Carrie: No, I just like– I don’t need to be reminded of not having a boyfriend, you know? [Deedee starts to stare at them angrily] Like, honestly. I’ve always been the cutest one and I’ve had the best personality [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet looking at Carrie in disbelief saying all these negative things about them] and none of these girls even dated in high school. I did. So where’s my baby?
Tina: [Cut to Tina and Leslie] Hi, why don’t we just go back to opening gifts? This one’s for me and my triplets.
Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] Okay, nope. New plan. You’ve upset our friend Carrie. So we’re going to get rid of all the baby crap in this room.
Deedee: Everybody get up. We’re getting all the baby stuff out of this room. We’re not doing this to Carrie. Up, up, up. Hey prego!(pregnant) Up!
Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Thanks for being on my side. [Deedee goes to tear the posters and throw the balloons]
Tina: Hey. What–? No, don’t! Don’t rip that down. This is a baby shower.
Heidi: My baby shower. What? Hey!
Deedee: Can you stop talking about yourself for five seconds or what? Carrie just opened up her heart.
Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] She said she was prettier than all of us.
Tina: And had a better personality.
Carrie: That’s all you heard? And now you just have to stand here and stare at your baby.[Cut to Janet confused]
Deedee: Hey, um, put that baby in the bedroom.
Janet: Uh, no.
Deedee: Because I’m asking you nicely, you put that baby in the bedroom or I will.
Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Oh my go, you need to calm down.
Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] I will tear this place apart if that’s what it takes to get you to care about your friend.
Tina: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Carrie, you have never mentioned wanting a baby.
Carrie: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] Because I haven’t. I just thought about it right now.
Deedee: I have asked you three times to put that baby in the bedroom.
Janet: Okay. [Janet stands up and Deedee walks towards Janet] Oh my god. [Walking away from Deedee] Come on Josh.
Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] Carrie, I didn’t even know you were looking to date anyone. Why don’t you go out with my friend Reggie? He think you’re really cute.
Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] Wait what? He does? What?
Heidi: [Cut to Heidi nodding her head] Yes, I emailed you that.
Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] You did? When? It must have gotten to my junk. Oh no, I threw it out. Look at Reggie, oh he’s cute. Yeah, I guess. Like, yeah. Cool.
Deedee: All right, well this seems good. Feel better?
Deedee: Good. I just want you to remember you’re better than them looks-wise and personality-wise. Don’t let them bully you anymore, okay?
Carrie: Thanks girl.
Deedee: All right, what are we doing? Shots? Presents?
Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] Presents, thank you, but should we go tell Janet she can come back?
Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Tina] No, she’s been having nervous gas this whole time.
Tina: How do you know it wasn’t the baby?
Leslie: What does the baby have to be nervous about?