Bunny

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Natalie Portman

Trish… Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Bunny… Aidy Bryant

Bartender… Beck Bennett

[Starts with three ladies drinking cocktail at the bar talking to each other.]

Natalie: So I was on a date with that guy I was telling you about, Keen. And everything was going fine. But then he tells me his last name was Peele.

Trish: Oh, my god! So, his name’s Keen Peele?

Natalie: Yeah.

Cecily: Wait, like the show?

Trish: That’s so weird.

Natalie: I know. I couldn’t think about anything else. I had to cut the date short.

Cecily: Wow. And he was like, almost perfect.

Natalie: Am I crazy? I mean, am I just being too picky?

[Bunny slides in]

Bunny: Oh, yeah. You are. Definitely.

Cecily: Okay. Um, you’re definitely not. Men are just like, so weird right now. I made the mistake of making small talk with a cute guy on a subway and he offered to give me foot massage.

Natalie: Seriously? What the hell?

Bunny: I’ll tell you what. I would have took that offer in a heartbeat. I mean, a fresh pair of mitts on these dogs [pointing at her feet] is a heck of a lot better than the old pencil eraser I use now. Ha-ha.

Natalie: I guess it is a nice gesture.

Cecily: Yeah. But still gross.

Trish: I mean, I’m just coming to terms that I’ll probably be single forever. I mean every guy is some man-child loser.

Cecily: Yeah. Or like some over aggressive creep.

Bunny: Yeah. I hear that. And why are they all circumcised?

Cecily: What’s that?

Bunny: Men nowadays. They’re all circumcised. You know? I mean, it used to be a crapshoot, you know? And now, it seems like everybody’s cut. And believe me, I ain’t complaining. I’ll take a short sleeve just as quick as a turtle neck. I’m just saying I noticed.

Natalie: Yeah. That is weird.

Cecily: I’m sorry. What is your name?

Bunny: Bunny. Yeah. Sorry to bud in. I don’t get to have a lot of girl talk. I got a eight male roommates and I’m a chef at a man’s prison. So–

Natalie: Oh, that’s fine. Well, nice to meet you, Bunny.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: You ladies doing alright?

Bunny: Actually, you know what? Can we get another round on my tab? I’m doing a whiskey milk neat. And I think they’re doing the same.

Cecily: Oh, no. We’re definitely not.

Natalie: Um, three martinis please. So, you work around here, Bunny?

Bunny: Oh, no. I was here to meet a guy I’ve been catfishing. But he didn’t show.

Cecily: You were catfishing him?

Bunny: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’ll get a guy to drive from a few states away to meet a Japanese bikini model named Ki-ko. But then when they get here, I tell them, “Ki-ko split.” And he can crash at my place instead. Next thing you know, Bunny’s munching on carrot.

Cecily: Oh, my god.

Natalie: I know. I wish I knew how to take more risks.

Cecily: No. That sounds dangerous and insane.

Bunny: Well, I’m sorry that strangers aren’t offering me footjobs on public transportation. You know, some of us have to hunt with bait.

[Trish is looking at her phone]

Trish: Oh, my god! Jake just texted me an eggplant emoji and a winky face.

Natalie: No way!

Cecily: So gross!

Bunny: Oh, jackpot, baby! And then there were three.

Trish: You know, I shouldn’t answer him, right?

Cecily: Of course, you shouldn’t

Bunny: Well, damn. If I got a text like that, I cool-aid man straight through that brick wall so fast, my pants rip off. And then by the time I’m at his door, ding dong, it’s full beef.

Natalie: Jake is pretty hot, Trish. Maybe you should answer him.

Trish: You think so? I mean we did have fun together.

Cecily: You know, why are you listening to this crazy lady?

Bunny: Bunny.

Cecily: Have some self respect. You can’t just be that desperate.

Bunny: Oh, you can. And you will when you get to be my age.

Natalie: Oh, Bunny. How old are you?

Bunny: 27.

Cecily: I’m 10 years older than that.

Bunny: Look. All I’m saying is it’s the 90s, you know? We ain’t gonna be high and tight forever. We might as well get our nuts off while we still can.

Cecily: It’s 2018.

Bunny: Oh, you wish.

Natalie: Bunny, you’re so right. I knew I was being unreasonable. You know what? I’m gonna go call Keen Peele, tell him I don’t care about his stupid name anymore.

[Natalie picks up her phone and walks out to call]

Trish: Yeah. I’m gonna go bang Jake. Bye, girl.

[Trish also leaves]

Bunny: Wow! [Bunny moves to close to Cecily] And then there were two.

Cecily: No.

Bunny: Another whiskey milk!

Cecily: How do you even drink that?

Bunny: Well, I like it coz it goes down smooth but it comes out firing.

[A guy walks in with a box of chocolates and a flower bouquet. He is wearing a suit.]

Guy: Sorry. Did you guys see a Japanese bikini model named Ki-ko here?

Bunny: Oh, honey. Ki-ko just left but you can crash at my place tonight.

Guy: Dammit! Um, I guess I did drive pretty far.

Bunny: Ha-ha-ha-ha. And then there was one. [to the guy] You’re about to get some beef, brother.

[Bunny walks out with the guy]

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