Arie… Alex Moffat
Luke Null
Lauren B. … Heidi Gardner
Lauren C. …Cecily Strong
Jessica Chastain
Kate McKinnon
Aidy Bryant
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Car Hunk intro]Male voice: Last season, we broke new ground with our first black bachelorette. And this season, we’re back to the white. He is a race car driver who depending on the light is handsome. Which of the 12 Laurens will he choose to be his bride, we’ll find out this season on Car Hunk.
Arie: Hi. I’m Arie and I a car guy, vroom vroom. I’m told to be on this show. Something went wrong in my life. But I can’t wait to see the girls.
[Cut to Arie and Lauren B.. They’re sitting on a park bench.]Lauren B.: Mm, I like this.
Arie: Tell me something about you.
Lauren B.: I am Lauren B. I’m a psychiatric nurse…’s patient. And I bet you can tell that my voice says I don’t have a dad.
Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.
[Lauren C. walks in.]Lauren C.: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
Mm, I like this.
Arie: Tell me something about you.
Lauren C.: I’m Lauren C. and first off, sorry I’m 30. [gives Arie her underwear] Here’s my underwear so you never forget where I’m from.
Arie: Oh, yeah? Where is that? Alabama.
[Jessica walks in.]Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Lauren C. walks out and Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]Mm, I like this. I’m sorry I cried on our date today playing mini-golf with young Sheldon. Really took me out of my comfort zone.
Arie: That’s okay. Tell me something about you.
Jessica: I’m actually an inventor.
Arie: Oh, yeah? What did you invent?
Jessica: Eating Tide pods.
Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.
Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
Jessica: Fine. I’ll just have a snack.
[Jessica walks out and Kate takes a seat.] [Cut to Kate]Kate: Mm, I like this. Wait, are you a different guy?
[Zoom out. Luke is sitting with Kate instead of Arie.]Luke: Does it matter?
Kate: No. Some of the girls might be telling you about some messed up stuff I’m doing in the house. And I want you to know, it’s worse.
Luke: I love that.
Kate: I hope I act insane enough to be on the summer one of these shows where the women sleep in their bathing suits.
[Aidy walks in.]Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Kate walks out and Aidy takes the seat. Now, Arie is back.]Mm, I like this.
Arie: Tell me something about you.
Aidy: Well, most of the people in my town don’t have their teeth. So, I’m their queen there.
Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.
Aidy: Mm, it’s just, I’m so scared that I’m gonna get sent home coz I’m the only girl who hasn’t shown you her full naked butt.
[Melissa walks in.]Melissa: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Aidy walks out and Melissa takes a seat beside Arie.]Mm, I like this.
Arie: Tell me something about you.
Melissa: Well, I have short hair. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?
Arie: Yeah. But somehow I still like you.
Melissa: It’s because I’m barely 21.
Arie: Oh, yeah. That’s what makes me horny.
[Kate walks in.]Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Melissa walks out and Kate takes a seat beside Arie.]Hi, I need to tell you something. You’re not the only man in my life. [Kate shows Arie a real looking squirrel.] This is buster.
Arie: Oh! You collect taxidermy.
Kate: Oh, no. He’s just regular dead. But, um, he was my first kiss. Do you wanna be my second?
Arie: I don’t think we’re there yet.
[Aidy walks in.]Aidy: But we are. So, come in here, baby.
[Kate walks out and Aidy climbs up Arie’s lap and is trying to seduce him.]Oh, yeah. I wanna tell you a secret. I have a gun in my room.
Arie: Oh. Thanks for being vulnerable.
Aidy: You got it.
[Aidy licks Arie on his cheek] [Jessica walks in.]Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Jessica pulls Aidy and pushes her away. Aidy falls off Arie. Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]I loved our date today. It was a dream come true playing a dead body on HBO’s Crashing. Sorry, I cried so hard I puked.
Arie: That’s okay. I thought it was cute.
Jessica: Alright. I need to tell you something and it’s really hard for me to say. I actually have curly hair.
Arie: I’ll walk you out.
[The End]