Laura Ingraham…..Kate Mckinnon
Judge Jeanine Pirro…..Cecily Strong
David Clarke…..Kenan Thompson
Laura: Good evening, I’m Laura Ingraham. And, just to quickly respond to all of my fan mail, ‘No, you’re an a-hole.’ Tonight, we’re live from the Arizona border, where a vicious caravan of dozens, maybe millions, of illegal immigrants is headed straight for you and your grandchildren. And that is not fear mongering, that is just [ Cut to an image of a scary zombie woman reaching for the viewer. A deep voice mutters ‘immigrants.’ ] the truth. Thankfully, we have a president who actually protects America. President Trump, seen her in a new official portrait, [ Cut to an image of Trump in raccoon skin hat, pasted onto a muscular shirtless body, carrying a machete knife, and wearing camouflage army pants. Behind him is painted various Mexicans in sombreros the US flag. ] has sent thousands of troops to the border to stop the caravan. Of course, the liberal media is trying to label President Trump, a racist. But except for his words and actions throughout his life, how is he racist? All of a sudden the term, “nationalist,” is bad. The word, “white,” is bad. The phrase, “white nationalist’, is bad. When I hear the phrase, ‘white nationalist”, I just think of a fun fourth of July barbecue. The kind you don’t have to call the cops on. Now let’s find out what’s really happening with this caravan. Joining me is the host of her own show here on Fox News, Judge Jeanine Pirro.[ Cut to Jeanine Pirro. ]
Jeanine: It’s an absolute disgrace![ Cut to split screen interview between Laura and Jeanine. ]
Laura: What is?
Jeanine: Just whatever you’re talking about.
Laura: Now Judge Pirro, what have you heard about the caravan?
Jeanine: I haven’t just heard about it, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Take a look at this footage of the caravan from earlier today.[ Cut to a crowd of people rushing a Walmart on a Black Friday sale event. ] [ Cut back to the split screen interview. ]
Laura: My God. And that is real footage of the caravan?
Jeanine: It has to be real, I found it on Trutheagle.gun.
Laura: And who is in this caravan?
Jeanine: Everyone you ever seen in your nightmares, Laura. It’s got Guatemalans, Mexicans, ISIS, the Menendez Brothers, the 1990 Detroit Pistons, Thanos, and several babadooks.
Laura: And President Trump said there are Middle Eastern people as well?
Jeanine: No question, Laura. This caravan’s got hella Aladdins. They took the very common direct flight from Iran to Guatemala. They claimed their elephants as service animals and then rode them straight into Mexico. It makes almost too much sense.
Laura: And what will happen when they get here?
Jeanine: We’re in trouble, Laura. Just look at this footage of the caravan crossing into Mexico.[ Cut to a clip from “World War Z” when the zombies start to climb over the wall, ending with a shot of Brad Pitt. ] [ Cut back to the interview. ]
Laura: That’s truly horrifying. Was that Brad Pitt?
Jeanine: Yes, that’s right. We believe he’s actually dating the caravan, which people have labeled, ‘Bradavan.’
Laura: That’s top-notch reporting, Jeanine.
Jeanine: I know!
Laura: Now I like to take a moment to thank my sponsors. All the wonderful companies that stuck with me after I attacked the survivors of the Parkland Shooting. So big thanks to warm ice cream. Is regular ice cream to cold for your sensitive teeth? Well, let us warm it up first. And from the makers of my pillow, my hemorrhoid donut. Everyone’s hemorrhoids are unique. Shouldn’t your donut be too? And of course, White Castle. A castle for whites? Yes, please. And don’t miss my colleague Brian Kilmeade’s new book, “Andrew Jackson and the Battle for Hillary’s Emails.” It’s an inspiring story. Now as we said, thousands of troops are heading for the border. The goal is to have five armed soldiers for every one shoeless immigrant child. Trump is calling it ‘Operation Eagle with a Huge Dong.’ Here with an inside look is former Milwaukee sheriff and Trump cheerleader, David Clarke. Sheriff, how are you?[ Cut to David Clarke. ]
David: I’m popular among my own people.
Laura: And what is your take on the caravan?
David: Well the situation is urgent, Laura. The caravan is only 800 miles from our border. If these immigrants walk at a normal pace of 300 miles a day, they can be here in time to vote on election day.
Laura: And are they moving that quickly?
David: Well, let’s just take a look at this aerial footage of the caravan.[ Cut to a clip of the migration of the Red Crabs of Christmas Island. ] [ Cut back to the interview, a split screen between Laura and David. ]
Laura: My God. And those are humans?
David: Basically, yeah. We’ve also learned that all the women in the caravan are more than nine months pregnant. And they’re holding the babies in till the exact moment when they cross the border. And then they are going to literally drop anchor. And the babies, get this, are pregnant.
Laura: Wow. And sheriff, I do have to press you on this. What are your sources?
David: Uh, the crows from Dumbo.
Laura: That checks out for me. Thank you, Sheriff Clarke. Now leading up to the midterms, there’s a lot of awful voter suppression going on. That’s why I’m proud to present a new segment called, “Fox News Tips for Black and Hispanic Voters.” I want to make sure your voices are heard, so…Tip one, never vote on Tuesdays. The crowds are the absolute worst on Tuesdays. Tip number two, ballots can be confusing. If you see an ‘R’ next to a name, that means really a Democrat. And the letter ‘D’ means, dats a Republican. And tip three, you already voted. You might not remember voting, but you did, so just relax. And those tips were brought to you by, Medical Sneakers. Jealous of your nurse’s style? Get medical sneakers. And American Jesus commemorative plates. See Jesus the way he really was [ Cut to an image of a plate with Jesus on it. Jesus is playing pool with a blonde woman in an American flag bikini. ] as an American. [ Cut back to Laura. ] Let’s take a break. When we come back, an update from disgraced former actor, Alec Baldwin, seen here molesting a young boy scout. [ Cut to an image from SNL’s 1994 skit, ‘Canteen Boy.’ Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler are in the image. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!