Career Day
Firefighter…..Alex Moffat
Teacher…..Aidy Bryant
Student 1…..Ego Nwodim
Mordecai…..Pete Davidson
Samantha…..Melissa Villaseñor
Mr. Parnassus…..Adam Driver
[ Image of the entrance to Sierra High School with the school sign reading, “Career Day Friday!” ]
[ Cut to a classroom with several students sitting in desks, the teacher standing to the side, and a firefighter in the front of the class holding his axe. ]
Firefighter: And in my opinion, that’s how we make the fire go away.
[ The teacher lightly claps her hands and walks over to the firefighter. ]
Teacher: Oh, wow. Simply, wow. Thank you so much to Samantha’s dad for than enlightening demonstration. [ The firefighter exits the classroom. ] Alright class, to continue our career day presentations, we will now turn it over to Mordecai’s father, Abraham H. Parnassus.
Student 1: Dude, what does your dad even do?
Mordecai: I don’t want to talk about it.
Samantha: I heard he’s like super old. Is that true?
Mordecai: I don’t know. He’s a dad. Dad’s are old.
[ A very old looking man with gray hair and a gray mustache enters the classroom. ]
Mr. Parnassus: Greetings, children. I’m Mordecai’s father. Hello boy. How are you? Look at your father boy. Look upon your father with pride.
Mordecai: I see you, man!
Teacher: Alright, uh, Mr. Parnassus why don’t you tell us about what you do for a living?
Mr. Parnassus: Hear me now, children, for my occupation is of much import. For 82 years I have been an oil man, a ‘barren’ some have called me. Now what does an oil barren do? The answer…crush your enemies! Grind their bones into dirt! Make them regret that they were ever born!
Samantha: Oh sick!
Teacher: Wow! Right into the dirt. [ The teacher chuckles. ] Now if the kids want to pursue a career in oil, what sort of traits would serve them well?
Mr. Parnassus: Oil is not for the weak. It is the Earth’s milk, and only the strong may suckle at Mother’s teat. Do you hear me boy? Only the strong…look at me boy. Look at your father! Look at me.
Samantha: Look at him Mordecai!
Mordecai: Dad, this is embarrassing.
One man came close to breaking me, H.R. Pickens. He did not succeed, for I crushed him into the ground!
Samantha: Who is H.R Pickens?
Mr. Parnassus: Exactly!
Teacher: Samantha, you gotta stop it honey. Okay. Well, Mr. Parnassus, the oil business must be pretty lucrative, right?
Mr. Parnassus: Oil has little to do with profit, Marm!
Teacher: Okay.
Mr. Parnassus: Oil is about domination of the spirit. Allow me to demonstrate. Children, point to the weakest in your class. And we shall ruin their spirit, as I ruined the spirit of H. R. Pickens so long ago.
[ All of the students point to Mordecai. ]
Mordecai: Word.
Samantha: You are weak like H.R. Pickens.
[ Mr. Parnassus walks over to Mordecai’s desk and leans in towards him using his can to hold himself up. ]
Mr. Parnassus: Feel this boy. Understand the pain. You think I was always the picture of strength that I am now?
Mordecai: Dad, you couldn’t get out of bed for a week because the mattress was too soft.
Mr. Parnassus: Mind over flesh boy. I was born seven months too early. Incubation technology was still in its infancy, so they placed me in a cast iron pot inside of a pizza oven until I was ripe enough to walk. My bones never hardened but my spirit did. Be strong and crush your enemies!
Teacher: Well, this has been outstanding Mr. Parnassus, but unfortunately we are running out of time. [ The teacher makes a thumbs down motion with her hand. ] Boo! Now does anyone else have any last questions for Mordecai’s dad?
Student 1: Yeah, yeah. I get that you’re an oil barren. But what do you do all day?
Mr. Parnassus: Perhaps I wasn’t clear. Luckily, I brought a visual aid which will illuminate the ins and outs of the oil industry. [ He shakes open the burlap sack he was carrying and pulls out a dead crow. ] This dead bird represents those who will wish you ill. Once proud, flying high above the Earth [ Mr. Parnassus holds the bird up high and pretends to make it fly. ] in bloody defiance of her gifts. And now you return [ Mr. Parnassus throws the bird to the ground forcefully. ] her to Earth, naked and defeated. [ Mr. Parnassus stabs his cane into the bird on the ground. ] I outlived you, Mr. Pickens! I crushed you into the ground and now your bones turn to oil beneath my living feet! I married your granddaughter, filled her belly with my festering seed and sired a boy! He is my final revenge, H.R.!
Mordecai: Dad, come on.
[ Samantha stands up and starts clapping. ]
Samantha: I want to be you when I grow up.
Mr. Parnassus: And so, you shall! Now, children, I was asked to bring a healthy snack. So join me in the hall for swine livers and Capri Suns.
[ Cut to the front entrance of the High School. ]
Teacher voiceover: Alright, kids, go out and eat those pig guts.
