Kelly… Cecily Strong[Chantix tablets commercial starts with Kelly sitting to give her testimonial.]
Female voice: Chantix presents, real stories, real people.
Kelly: I’m Kelly and I quit smoking with Chantix.
Female voice: Kelly is a real Chantix user. She is not an actress.
Kelly: Well, actually, it’s funny for you to say that because, you know, I used to be an actress.
Female voice: But she’s not anymore. She’s just here to give a testimonial.
Female voice: Unlike other methods, Chantix works by reducing the urge to smoke.[Cut to Kelly in her kitchen]
Kelly: And that’s an urge I used to get constantly. Chantix was different. Sort of like, my take on Philia in the Village Player’s Prouction of Hamlet.
Female voice: But that was just community theater. So, let’s get back to Chantix.
Kelly: Well, okay, it won an award. So…
Female voice: For acting?
Kelly: We won for custumes.[Cut to Kelly singing and dancing in her living room]
Now that I’ve quit smoking, I have more energy to do the things that matter to me. Like, gardening. Or workshopping characters from my one woman show. But don’t take my word for it. Ask my nana from the old country. [Kelly wears a scarf around her head and starts acting like an old lady] [yelling] Ah, you shouldn’t have smiled.
Female voice: But we’re not talking to that person. We’re talking to Kelly. About Chantix.
Kelly: When I had kids, I knew I had to give up smoking. But when I tried quitting without Chantix, I was like, [acting] “The burden bears so heavily upon–”
Female voice: But right now, Kelly should really be focusing on her success with Chantix because she’s a real person, not an actress.[Cut to Kelly crying]
Kelly: [sobbing] When I was a little girl I told myself, “You are gonna– You are gonna be somebody.”
Female voice: [interrupting] No one’s buying it, Kelly.
Kelly: Dammit. [Kelly turns off her background music on music player and walks away.]
Female voice: Side affects of Chantix may include nausea, fatigue–[Kelly runs back and turns off the music again]
Kelly: It’s a boombox. It’s a boombox. Fine.
Female voice: –dry mouth, and kidding yourself about your level of talent.[Cut to Kelly smoking outside her house.]
Kelly: Here’s the thing, I will do nudity. Full. The top and the under. The whole night.
Female voice: Chantix. Real stories, real people. Not actors.
Kelly: I’m talking full bush.