Cleopatra (Cecily Strong)
Becky (Kate McKinnon)
Xerxes (Kenan Thompson)[History channel intro playing]
Voiceover: You’re watching the History channel. At 8, it’s World War I. At 9, it’s World War II lost in New York. But now we return to The Hidden Tales of Egypt.[Cut to Empress Cleopatra, her messenger, and two servers inside an ancient Egypt castle]
Messenger: Empress Cleopatra, your beauticians are here.
Empress: Send them in.
Isis: Hi. Oh my god, I’m sorry we’re late. Got stuck for hours in pyramid construction.
Empress: Excuse me?
Isis: Okay wait, sorry. Call me because I just came in here with like awful play.
Hi, I’m Isis. Normal name. I’m going to be doing your make-up today and these are my assistants. [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Xerxes and Becky.
Xerxes: What’s up you duddy horses?
Becky: Hi. I love the look you vibe in here. [Whispering] I’m lying.
Isis: Ignore her. Becky’s whole thing is like she’s a nightmare. So what are we thinking for tonight?
Empress: I’m a queen. I don’t concern myself with matters of appearance.
Isis: Okay. I am down for a natural look but for me, and I’m a fan, I walked in here and thought ‘Oh god, she looks like a hot Mesopotamia’.
Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Yes, give us something. Anything.
Becky: Yeah, I want to be like “Yes queen”, but now I’m kind of like “Mah queen”.
Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] You forget who you’re speaking to.
Isis: No, all I’m saying is you’re going to go out tonight and your face is going to be painted on, like a thousand vases, right?
Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes showing her paint on a vase] Yeah, this was you last week at the [unintelligible 01:32]?
Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] No. That’s me? Oh, I look horrible. Delete that. Delete that![Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes drops the vase on purpose to break it, reacting to the empress asking to delete it]
Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress]Look, you trust me right?
Isis: Okay funny, are you a cat? Because I worship you. Come over here. [Isis holds the empress’s hand and takes her to the makeup table] Let’s try something new with your make-up.[Cut to Isis brushing the empress]
Becky: Wow, [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] send me to a vomitorium because I’m gagging.
Xerxes: Ah, if we were hieroglyphs, this would be us right now. [Xerxes and Becky biting their tongues out]
Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress,]Okay, what do we think?
Empress: Wait. Me?
Isis: I love it. Bury my organs in lots of little jars because I am dead.
Empress: Wow, Okay. I could get used to this.
Isis: And we’re on our roles. Xerxes, let’s prop the hair. [Xerxes comes to the empress]
Xerxes: Okay, how do you feel about extensions?
Empress: Oh, not for me. No.
Xerxes: Okay, good. Because it’s a full wig. [Becky comes to the empress with a wig]
Empress: Wait, is that my hair?
Becky: You’re welcome.
Xerxes: Yeah. And just so you know, I work with with her and not for her.
Isis: And what do you think?
Empress: Wow, amazing!
Xerxes: I am officially perfection.
Empress: Okay wait. So is this my look everyday?
Isis: Yes, this is everyday. This is errand. This is brunch. This is executions.
Empress: Well I love, okay? Thank you.
Emperor: Well babe, been waiting in this chariot forever.
Empress: Get out. I’m getting ready. What do you think?
Emperor: About what?
Empress: My hair, my make up.
Emperor: Why, is it different?
Emperor: It’s good, I guess.
Empress: Shut up, you spoil me. Let me get dressed.
Emperor: Um, Megan, snap me. We got Rezzies.
Isis: Okay, you guys are cute.
Empress: We fight but the sex is insane.
Voiceover: [Ending intro playing] This has been the Hidden Tales of Egypt.