Waiter… John Mulaney
Waitress… Cecily Strong
Pete Davidson
Chris Red
Lobster… Kenan Thompson
Clausette… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Pete and Chris in Big Nick’s Greek Diner for a meal.]
Waiter: Did you two order yet?
Pete: No.
Chris: No.
Waiter: Did you two carve gang signs into the baby changing station?
Pete and Chris: Yeah.
Waiter: Alright. What do you want to eat?
Chris: Yeah. I’ll have the grilled cheese deluxe and can I get a salad instead of the fries, please?
Waiter: Yeah. Sure thing. One grilled cheese, vagina style. Great! How about you, Pal?
Pete: You know what? I’ll have the lobster
[Waiter is shocked]
Waiter: Excuse me?
Pete: The lobster special.
Chris: Did you just order a lobster in a diner?
Pete: Yeah. Why?
Chris: Because it’s a diner. No one orders lobster in a diner. The whole seafood section is on the menu as a joke, man. I mean, seafood! The word ‘seafood’ is in quotes.
Pete: I’m in the mood for lobster, okay? I won my lawsuit against bumble for getting zero matches. And I wanna celebrate.
Waiter: But the lobster, you sure that you want the lobster?
Pete: I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s on the menu. I’ll have the damn lobster.
Chris: Just don’t do it.
Waiter: [in sad voice] As you wish. Alright, everyone, the time has come. We’ve got an order here for one lobster.
[music playing]
[A huge aquarium is pulled out of curtains. There is Kenan dressed as a lobster inside.]
Kenan: [singing] Who am I?
and why am I condemned to boil alive?
when all that I have done is live my life
Waiter: And why would someone on a whim
choose from all to order him
[pointing at Pete] Who’s this guy?
[Pete is laughing hard]
Kenan: I thought that there was an unspoken rule
that lobster in a diner is never cool
a diner’s menu is way too long
and half the things are way too wrong
[Waitress is standing behind Pete and Chris. She surprises them by singing.]
Waitress: Must he die
how can you ever face his lobster friends?
how can you ever face yourself again?
monster
Kenan: I’ve lived here 40 years, I know
an age that lobsters never grow
and in that time there’s been no one to order any crustaceans
Who am I?
Waiter, Kenan and Waitress: Lobster number one.
[Chris is clapping for them]
Chris: I mean, you can’t eat the lobster now, man! They just sang their song, bro.
Waiter: I’m sorry, dude. I’m more of a mean girls guy. [winks at the camera] On broadway now.
Chris: Wait, what’s happening right now?
[a girl lobster walks in]
Clausette: Papa?
Kenan: Clausette? Oh, what are you doing here?
Clausette: There’s something I wanted to tell you, papa.
[music playing]
[singing] Father now they want you dead
let me go in your place instead
whether it’s boiled, steamed or blacked
Off to the great tank in the sky
Kenan: No, Clausette. I can’t make you do that. It’s not your time. It’s mine.
Clausette: [weeping] I love you, papa.
Kenan: Oh, I love you too. Now, run. Run from this place.
[Clausette runs out]
Chris: Oh, the little baby lobster man! Just change your order, dude!
Pete: Hey! They put it on the menu. I’m calling their bluff.
Waiter and Kenan: Form the barricade.
Chris: Wait, there’s a barricade?
[two people pull out a cart full of lobster cages]
Pete: This diner has incredible set design.
Waiter: [singing] Will you join in our crusade to keep the lobster from the pot?
Waitress: Will you drop the massacre raid and give him a shot?
Kenan: Then join in the pipe that will give us the right to be free
[Four other performs walk in dancing]
All: Do you hear the lobster scream
screaming the scream of scalding flames
it is a screaming of a lobster
[pointing at Pete. He is dancing to the song.] And this dummy’s here to blame
When the churning in your bowels
matches the burning of his shell
you’ll know why lobster in a diner never sell
Lobsters, you don’t order them in diners.
Pete: Alright. Alright. Alright. Forget he lobster. I’ll have the tuna melt instead.
Everyone: Yay!
