Dirty Talk


Donald Clover

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a man and a woman getting into their bed.]

Man: Hey, baby. Looking good.

Woman: Thanks. Well, goodnight.

Man: Wait, wait, wait. Baby, it’s Saturday.

Woman: Oh, yeah. Sex night. I’m jazzed to do it. Let’s start.

[Woman leans towards Man]

Man: Wait, wait, wait. I was just thinking maybe we can mix it up a little tonight. You know, try a little dirty talk. Saying stuff that you shouldn’t say.

Woman: Alright.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah. You’re like the little slut, huh?

Woman: Um, that’s so retarded.

[Man backs off]

Man: What? What? Don’t say the R word though, coz that’s like, really offensive, right?

Woman: Depends on how I use it, I guess.

Man: No, it’s kind of bad. Let’s just stay away from that. Maybe try like, being, you know, little mean to me. You know?

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Yeah, come on, girl. Hurt me.

Woman: Your dad’s dead.

[Man backs off]

Man: Baby? That wound’s still fresh. I’m like, really sad now.

Woman: Oh, man. I’m sorry. Are you sure you don’t want to do it the normal way? Lazy sideways?

Man: No. Look, I wanna try this. I think we could spice things up. It’d be good for us, you know? How about you just call me a little bitch or something.

Woman: Ooh, okay. I like that.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Oh, I want you.

Woman: Yeah, you do, you little bitch.

Man: Ooh, you’re so mean to me.

Woman: Coz you’re my little brother, bitch. Now, scram!

[Man backs off]

Man: What?

Woman: Stay out of my room, dork!

Man: No. Don’t. Baby, don’t be my sister. That turns me off.

Woman: But you were saying, “Oh, yeah.”

Man: Yeah, that was before I knew you had made us siblings. You know? So, no big twists. Maybe we just– I’ll take a lead. How about that? [Woman nods yes] Alright.

Woman: Yeah, right, dweeb! Mom and dad put me in charge.

Man: Baby, that scenario, we’re not doing it anymore. Okay? Here, I’ll talk dirty to you. Alright? Is that cool? [They try to do the dirty talk] Oh, you little freak!

Woman: [impersonating] Yes, I’m the Elephant Man.

[Man backs off]

Man: No. Not the Elephant Man, okay? That’s not sexy. That’s like, really sad. He had a sad life and the image in my head is the worst possible thing for sex. You know? Okay, but clearly you wanna role play. So, how about I’m a cop and you’re a criminal?

Woman: Oh, sounds naughty.

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Coz I killed my mom.

Man: No, no, no. You didn’t murder anyone.

Woman: Yeah, I did. She’s in the trunk.

Man: No, no, no. Different crime, okay? You’re not a murderer. You’re different criminal, baby. You’re like– [They try to do the dirty talk] Hand up, you’re under arrest.

Woman: [impersonating Bill Cosby] But the general pudding pop said–

[Man backs off]

Man: No! Don’t be Bill Cosby. Don’t ever be Bill Cosby in the bedroom. Don’t. You know what? Forget it. It’s fine. This isn’t gonna work. Let’s just watch TV.

Woman: Oh, so that’s it? Man, you’re such a bitch sometimes.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah, I like that.

Woman: [impersonating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.

Man: No, don’t be Fat Albert.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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