Dad….Steve Carell
Son 1….Mikey Day
Daughter 1….Melissa Villaseñor
Son 2….Pete Davidson
Daughter 2….Aidy Bryant
[Four kids are sleeping. Dad turns on the light and wakes them up.]
Dad: Kids, kids, wake up. I have a big news.
Son 1: Dad, it’s in five o’clock in the morning.
Daughter 1: Why is dad in here?
Dad: [Cut to dad] Because it’s time for you to pack your bags. We’re going to Disney World.
Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Disney world?
Daughter 2: Yes, that’s so nice, but you don’t have to cheer us up. We already know that mom’s leaving you.
Dad: [Cut to dad] She what?
Son 2: [Cut to dad and two sons] Don’t worry.
Son 1: Yeah, we’re fine with it.
Dad: What are you talking about?
Son 1: [Cut to son 1] My god, does he not know?
Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] No, no, no. He has to know.
Son 2: [Cut to dad and two sons] He’d be idiot if he didn’t know.
Daughter 1: The whole town knows. [Cut to Daughter 1] It’s in the newspaper.
Son 1: The messed-up part is dad is the one who introduced each of them to one another?
Dad: [Cut to Dad] Introduced who? What’s happening? [Cut to everybody in the room]
Son 1: No, is our dad dumb?
Son 2: Yeah.
Daughter 2: He didn’t even notice when the cat ran away, we replaced it with a dog.
Dad: You what? My cat?
Daughter 1: What is wrong with him?
Dad: [Cut to Dad] Okay, enough. Have some respect. I am your father.
Son 1: [Cut to Dad and two sons] I mean, not technically.
Dad: What does that mean?
Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] I mean, how can we know all of this and our dad has no idea.
Son 2: [Cut to Dad and two sons] You mean your dad!
Dad: [Cut to Dad] All right, how about this. Why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on here and I will still take you to Disney world.
Son 1: [Cut to Son 1]We were just at Disney world.
Dad: [Cut to Dad] You were?
Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2]Yeah, for Jeremy’s birthday.
Dad: [Cut to Dad] Jeremy?
Son 2: [Cut to Jeremy] Me. Does he not know our names?
Dad: [Cut to Dad] Wait, wait, if you were at Disney, where was I?
Son 2: [Cut to Dad and two sons] We assumed you were coming but then we realized mom didn’t invite you.
Daughter 2: [Cut to two daughters] Yeah, and we were like why are we at Disney World with dad’s boss?
Son 2: Yeah, is dad as boss, [Cut to Son 2] Ron going to be with us the whole trip?
Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] It was pretty clear he and mom were sleeping together.
Dad: [Cut to Dad] Oh, I’m so confused, I can scream right now.
Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Actually, why are we whispering?
Dad: I don’t want to [Cut to Dad] wake up your mother.
Son 1: [Cut to Dad and two sons] Dad, she’s definitely not here.
Dad: What?
Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Yeah, she’s been gone or a month. She lives in Arizona with Ron and in four days, so will we.
Dad: [Cut to Dad] Oh, I’d love to go too, Arizona. I’ve never seen the ocean.
[Cut to Son 1 looking confused]
Son 1: Dad, and I mean this, what the hell is wrong with you?
Dad: [Cut to Dad and two sons] Okay, okay. Listen, [Dad walks up to Jeremy and sits beside him] I have something, I want to tell you guys. Things haven’t been going well with your mom.
Son 2: Jesus, dad.
Dad: I think she might be cheating on me.
Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] I can’t do this again.
Dad: [Cut to Dad and Jeremy] Maybe with my friend Dave.
Son 2: It’s [Cut to everybody in the room] Ron!
Dad: But I’m giving up because you kids are four miracles. You’re my miracles. [Cut to Dad and Jeremy] Especially since your mother and I have only done it twice.
Son 2: All right, dad, I think that’s enough.
Dad: Okay, you’re right. All right. [Cut to everybody in the room] I’m going to bed. I have a big day today. Gonna surprise my kids with a trip to Disney.
