Doctor Love


Dr. Hodges… Sterling K. Brown

Shawn Wilkins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a patient visiting the doctor. The Shawn is sitting on the patient’s seat.]

Doctor:¬†Okay, Mr. Shawn Wilkins. I’m Dr. Hodges. Before we get to our exam, we have a few new questions to answer that weren’t on file.

Shawn: Sounds good to me.

Doctor: Alright. Fantastic. Do you smoke?

Shawn: Umm, no.

Doctor: I don’t like the sound of that “Umm.” Are you sure?

Shawn: Okay. I do smoke. But not that much.

Doctor: Alright. Any drinking?

Shawn: Uh, twice a week.

Doctor: Um-hmm.

Shawn: Alright. Alright. Like, four times a week.

Doctor: There we go. Are you sexually active?

Shawn: Yes. Like, seven, eight times a week.

Doctor: For real?

Shawn: Yeah. If I think about it, eight times.

[Doctor runs and closes the door.]

Doctor: Bro, are you serious? Swear to god?

Shawn: Um, yeah.

Doctor: Oh, damn. So, you up in it, huh?

Shawn: Um, yeah, man.

Doctor: That’s dope. Dope. Yeah. Alright. How many partners?

Shawn: Just the one.

Doctor: [loud voice] One partner? Eight times a week? Whoa! Do you love her?

Shawn: What?

Doctor: The girl, man. Your girl. Do you love her?

Shawn: Phrr. No. No. No.

Doctor: Wait. You don’t love her?

Shawn: Is this a medical question?

Doctor: You know what? Just never mind. Protected or unprotected?

Shawn: Unprotected.

Doctor: [squeaky voice] Oh, what? [smiling]

Shawn: Hey! Look! Can we just talk about why it burns when I pee

Doctor: Because pee is hot. Duh!

[phone ringing] [talking on the phone] Hello. This is he. Who? Oh, the cancer lady. Yeah. You still got it. I gotta call you back. I’m in the middle of something.

[Doctor hangs up the phone]

So, okay. I’m confused Mr. Wilkins. You have unprotected sex with one woman and you don’t think anything is there?

Shawn: There isn’t. I already told you.

Doctor: Alright. Sure. I’ll lay off. I knew syphilis rotted the mind. I didn’t know it rotted the soul.

Shawn: I have syphilis?

Doctor: I don’t know, man.

Shawn: Doc, look, just let it rest. We keeping it casual. When we started hooking up we both said we weren’t looking for anything. It’s not that deep.

Doctor: You know what, man? You should get out of my office coz I don’t treat fools.

Shawn: [yelling] Hey, I’m no fool, alright? She’s married to her job and I’m focused on my tech decks right now. It would never work out.

Doctor: Not talking like that, it won’t. But I think the young man who came in here earlier, the confident young man who bangs it down raw dog, it could work out for him. For what do I know? I’m just some Harvard doctor.

Shawn: Look, doc. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you but would we just move on with the exam?

Doctor: Yeah. Yeah. Let me listen to your heart. [Doctor puts on his stethoscope] Oh. Oh, well.

Shawn: What is it?

Doctor: You’ve been hurt before.

Shawn: Yeah. Real bad.

Doctor: Mr. Wilkins, your heart seems to be saying, “Go to her. Don’t you see? This is meant to be. Stop standing in your own way.”

Shawn: I don’t know. I don’t know. What if she says no?

Doctor: What if she says yes?

Shawn: You’re right. [looks at his watch] Oh, man. I have to go now. She’s out her way to the airport. She’s moving to London for life.

[Shawn turns to the door to leave. Doctor stops him.]

Doctor: Not so fast. I can’t let you go, not dressed like that.

[Doctor pulls out a suit and a flower bouquet from his office’s corner.]

Shawn: You know. It’s true what they say about doctors. They do save lives.

Doctor: [looking at his stethoscope] I wonder how this thing actually works.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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