Dr. Hodges… Sterling K. Brown
Shawn Wilkins… Beck Bennett
[Starts with a patient visiting the doctor. The Shawn is sitting on the patient’s seat.]
Doctor: Okay, Mr. Shawn Wilkins. I’m Dr. Hodges. Before we get to our exam, we have a few new questions to answer that weren’t on file.
Shawn: Sounds good to me.
Doctor: Alright. Fantastic. Do you smoke?
Shawn: Umm, no.
Doctor: I don’t like the sound of that “Umm.” Are you sure?
Shawn: Okay. I do smoke. But not that much.
Doctor: Alright. Any drinking?
Shawn: Uh, twice a week.
Doctor: Um-hmm.
Shawn: Alright. Alright. Like, four times a week.
Doctor: There we go. Are you sexually active?
Shawn: Yes. Like, seven, eight times a week.
Doctor: For real?
Shawn: Yeah. If I think about it, eight times.
[Doctor runs and closes the door.]
Doctor: Bro, are you serious? Swear to god?
Shawn: Um, yeah.
Doctor: Oh, damn. So, you up in it, huh?
Shawn: Um, yeah, man.
Doctor: That’s dope. Dope. Yeah. Alright. How many partners?
Shawn: Just the one.
Doctor: [loud voice] One partner? Eight times a week? Whoa! Do you love her?
Shawn: What?
Doctor: The girl, man. Your girl. Do you love her?
Shawn: Phrr. No. No. No.
Doctor: Wait. You don’t love her?
Shawn: Is this a medical question?
Doctor: You know what? Just never mind. Protected or unprotected?
Shawn: Unprotected.
Doctor: [squeaky voice] Oh, what? [smiling]
Shawn: Hey! Look! Can we just talk about why it burns when I pee
Doctor: Because pee is hot. Duh!
[phone ringing]
[talking on the phone] Hello. This is he. Who? Oh, the cancer lady. Yeah. You still got it. I gotta call you back. I’m in the middle of something.
[Doctor hangs up the phone]
So, okay. I’m confused Mr. Wilkins. You have unprotected sex with one woman and you don’t think anything is there?
Shawn: There isn’t. I already told you.
Doctor: Alright. Sure. I’ll lay off. I knew syphilis rotted the mind. I didn’t know it rotted the soul.
Shawn: I have syphilis?
Doctor: I don’t know, man.
Shawn: Doc, look, just let it rest. We keeping it casual. When we started hooking up we both said we weren’t looking for anything. It’s not that deep.
Doctor: You know what, man? You should get out of my office coz I don’t treat fools.
Shawn: [yelling] Hey, I’m no fool, alright? She’s married to her job and I’m focused on my tech decks right now. It would never work out.
Doctor: Not talking like that, it won’t. But I think the young man who came in here earlier, the confident young man who bangs it down raw dog, it could work out for him. For what do I know? I’m just some Harvard doctor.
Shawn: Look, doc. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you but would we just move on with the exam?
Doctor: Yeah. Yeah. Let me listen to your heart. [Doctor puts on his stethoscope] Oh. Oh, well.
Shawn: What is it?
Doctor: You’ve been hurt before.
Shawn: Yeah. Real bad.
Doctor: Mr. Wilkins, your heart seems to be saying, “Go to her. Don’t you see? This is meant to be. Stop standing in your own way.”
Shawn: I don’t know. I don’t know. What if she says no?
Doctor: What if she says yes?
Shawn: You’re right. [looks at his watch] Oh, man. I have to go now. She’s out her way to the airport. She’s moving to London for life.
[Shawn turns to the door to leave. Doctor stops him.]
Doctor: Not so fast. I can’t let you go, not dressed like that.
[Doctor pulls out a suit and a flower bouquet from his office’s corner.]
Shawn: You know. It’s true what they say about doctors. They do save lives.
Doctor: [looking at his stethoscope] I wonder how this thing actually works.
