Doctor… Jessica Chastain
Chad… Pete Davidson
Mikey Day
[Starts with Doctor visiting a patient]
Doctor: Well, I have the first good news in weeks. The infection stopped spreading. You’re gonna make a full recovery. We almost lost you, Chad.
Chad: Okay.
[emotional happy music playing in the background]
Doctor: I have to say, I am going to miss you, Chad.
Chad: Okay.
Doctor: And I– [Doctor sits on patient’s bed] I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Chad.
Chad: Okay.
Doctor: I know you must have a million thoughts racing through your mind. [Doctor stands and looks away] You are driving me crazy. Every time I look at you, I just want to climb on that bed and make sweet love to you.
Chad: Nice.
[Chad is lowering his patient bad to make it horizontal]
Doctor: But we can’t.
Chad: Oh, okay.
[Chad lifts his patient bed again]
Doctor: I’m your doctor, for god’s sake.
Chad: Okay.
Doctor: But I must confess. [Doctor opens her hair bun] I’ve fantasized about lying on your chest as you play with my hair. Talking about our lives. [whispering] Our hopes. Our dreams.
Chad: I peed. [Chad passes Doctor his urine bowl. Doctor takes it and puts it away.]
Doctor: I understand if my argument lacks validity.
Chad: Ha-ha. Titty.
Doctor: But it can never happen. I would be fired for becoming involve with a patient. Is it crazy that I would be willing to risk my entire career to be with you, Chad?
[Doctor turns around. Chad is gone.]
Chad?
[Doctor walks out of the patient’s room. She looks around. Chad is running around on automatic wheelchair.]
Chad, could you please come back here for a moment?
Chad: Okay.
[Chad walks in and lies on the bed]
Doctor: As a doctor, I listened to hearts everyday. It’s time I listen to my own. It wants you, Chad. Ooh, god, it’s racing right now.
[Chad is looking at his genitals]
Chad: Yo, is that a zip or herpes?
Doctor: [looking at Chad’s genitals] I think it’s a little ingrown hair.
Chad: Dope!
Doctor: Now, get some sleep, young man. And dream about me. [Doctor leans towards Chad’s ear and whispers] Doctor’s orders.
Chad: Okay.
[Doctor walks to the door, stops and looks behind]
Doctor: And Chad.
[Chad is already sleeping.]
[door knocking]
[Mikey walks in with Chad’s food.]
[to Mikey] You know, I never asked how he got sick?
Mikey: Oh, his friend dared him to eat dog turd.
[Doctor looks at Chad]
Doctor: God, that’s sexy.
