Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon
Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner
Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat
Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.
We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.] [cheers and applause]
Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?
Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.
Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.
Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–
Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.
Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]
So, in conclusion–
Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.
Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.
Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.
Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.
Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.
Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.
Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?
Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?
Raimonds Vējonis: Me?
Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.
Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.
Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.
Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”
Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.
Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?
Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.
Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?
Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.
Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”
Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.
Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?
Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?[The reporters all agree] [Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]
Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.