Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Waitress… Heidi Gardner
Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon
Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
Eric… Alex Moffat
Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro[Starts with Donald Trump walking into a Holsten’s Restaurant in Bloomfield, NJ. He takes a seat and a waitress comes to him.]
Waitress: Oh, my god. Mr. President. Welcome. Is it just you?
Donald Trump: No, I’m meeting some friends.
Waitress: Okay. Great. [passing Donald Trump the menu] Well, let me know if you have any questions.
Donald Trump: I do, actually. Is HPV different than HIV?
Waitress: I’ll give you a minute.[Donald Trump looks at the small jukebox on his table. He puts a coin and plays music.] [Rudy Giuliani walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]
Rudy Giuliani: Hey.
Donald Trump: Hey.
Rudy Giuliani: How are you doing?
Donald Trump: So, Rudy, did you go on FOX News last night?
Rudy Giuliani: Like, 20 times, yeah. Don’t worry, I told them that you are openly colluding with Russia but then I ended with, “So what?” It should all be fine. Yeah.
Donald Trump: Thanks, Rudy.
Rudy Giuliani: I even confessed to some crimes you didn’t do. And then I said, “What are you gonna do? Arrest the president? I dare you. Ah!”
Donald Trump: Okay! I think they get the point. [Donald Trump holds Rudy Giuliani’s hands] Rudy, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
Rudy Giuliani: Hey, you’re the best client I’ll ever have.
Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, there’s my guy.
Rudy Giuliani: So, how was work today?
Michael Cohen: Ah! You know, really bad. Mostly just prepared to go to jail and stuff. He said I might get 20 years unless I give you up.
Donald Trump: I’ve heard jail’s fun.
Michael Cohen: Fun?
Donald Trump: Yeah. Just like camp. Plus there’s free gym. Dude, you’re going to get so jacked.
Rudy Giuliani: They’re giving up programs in jail where you can get a real law degree. Ha-ha-ha.
Michael Cohen: Well, you can always come visit.
Donald Trump: I would but golf.
Michael Cohen: Anyway, you got to focus on the good times. Isn’t that what you once told me boss?
Donald Trump: I did?
Michael Cohen: Yeah. Remember? That’s why you told me to keep a copy of that Russian Pee-tape.
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I gotta remember the show that is on clip on CNN tomorrow. Don Lemon’s gonna love that.
Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump holds Michael Cohen’s hand] Hey, whatever happens, I’m proud of you, Michael.
Michael Cohen: Thanks. I love you too.
Donald Trump: I didn’t say that.[Donald Trump Jr. walks in.]
Don Jr.[Donald Trump Jr. takes seat in the same booth.]
So, where is Eric?
Donald Trump Jr.: He is still parallel parking outside.[Cut to Eric trying to park his tricycle.] [Cut back to inside the restaurant]
Donald Trump: You know, I couldn’t think of three people I’d rather be here with tonight. A best son and two of my last 15 lawyers.
Michael Cohen: Hey, [raising his glass of soda] to a great first year of the Russian investigation.
Rudy Giuliani: And many more.[They all raise their glasses] [Robert Mueller walks in and takes seat in another booth.]
Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, maybe tomorrow I can show you that Chinese deal we didn’t talk about.
Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That sounds great. [whispering] Is that Robert Mueller?
Michael Cohen: Oh, and good news. You know that woman who is suing you for groping in defaming her? I found a guy who is willing to threaten her kids.
Donald Trump: Yeah, that sounds great, Michael. [whispering] Am I the only one that sees that guy? [pointing at Robert Mueller]
Rudy Giuliani: And hey, hey, I think I figured out a loophole where they can’t legally subpoena you. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘faking your own death?’
Donald Trump: Uh, yeah, sure. Rudy, we can look into that for sure.
Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, are you okay?[Robert Mueller walks pass them and points at Donald Trump. Nobody sees him except Donald Trump.]
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.