Fighter Pilots


Wild Card… Mikey Day

Side Winder… Beck Bennett

Viper… Chris Redd

Clown Penis… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of four fighter planes flying somewhere over the South China sea] [Cut to Wild Card flying a plane]

Wild Card: Morning, pilots. This is squad leader. We’re about twenty minutes out from the Korean Peninsula. Since we were all scrambled from different bases, go ahead and introduce yourself. I’m Wild Card.

[Cut to Side Winder flying a plane]

Side Winder: Side Winder.

[Cut to Viper flying a plane]

Viper: Viper.

[Cut to Clown Penis flying a plane]

Clown Penis: Clown Penis.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Pilot, you got a little static there. Um, mind repeating that call sign again?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Sure thing. Clown Penis. Clown like, the circus. Penis like, your penis. Lovely day to fly, huh, boys? Clown Penis, over and out.

[Cut to Cecliy in the ground control office listening to the conversation]

Cecliy: Squad, this is Honolulu ground control. Com’s signals are a little spotty. So, we just wanna clarify a couple of things. One, are you guys saying ‘Clown Penis’? And two, why? Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hello, Honolulu. That is affirmative. You are hearing Clown Penis because I am Clown Penis. Over.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Copy. Is this some sort of pilot joke?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: A joke? Ma’am, a pilot’s call sign is very serious. When an enemy sees me on his tail, I want him to feel the fail the same way that you’d feel if a clown showed you his penis. Confused, unsettled and most of all, very, very scared. Rest to sure it, if you see a clown penis, me or an actual clown’s penis, this just ate your day. So, Honolulu, how do you feel about saying Clown Penis now?

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Still weird. Over and out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: I’ve heard worse call signs. Flew with a pilot in academy named ‘Mr. Pick Ass.’

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: You might want to change that to ‘Mr. Corny Ass.’

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hey, guys. Let’s watch our language over the calls please. We’re in the air force. Not the 7th grade. Clown Penis out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Okay. Let’s switch up to stealth formation. Confirm. New position. Over.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Right wing high.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Left wing low.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is upside down.]

Clown Penis: Unintentional upside down I don’t know how I did this. But it’s happening.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Whoa! Clown Penis, you need some help correcting that invert. Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: All good now. Just a little nine seconds of sheer abject terror. Won’t happen again, fellas. Sincerely, your pal, Clown Penis.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Okay, squad, we’re gonna run a pursuit drill here. Increase speed, decline to 50,000 ft. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: You heard her, boys. Engage afterburners.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Wo-hoo! This raft is a worth that price tag.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Side Winder to Wild Card. I don’t see Clown Penis information. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Clown Penis, what is your current position.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He’s now flying over the space.]

Clown Penis: Hard to tell. But looks like I’m where space starts. I have to bow out of this drill, boys. This may take a while to fix. Just saw a satellite. Yeah. And there go the arms. [Clown Penis starts floating inside his plane] Oh, I’m definitely in space, fellas. ON the bright side, can’t get worse than this.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Roger that, Clown Penis. Will alert ground at your situation.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is hanging upside down again.]

Clown Penis: Never mind, guys. It got worse.

[The End]

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