Spencer… Chris Redd
Sabrina… Aidy Bryant
Gareth… Will Farrell
Leslie Jones[Starts with the flight attendants speaking to the passengers]
Spencer: Welcome aboard flight 1250-C. Service from Lubbock, Texas to Charleston, South Carolina. My name is Spencer.
Sabrina: I’m Sabrina. And returning to the flight crew this week is Gareth.
Gareth: Hi, y’all. I’m Gareth.
Spencer: Gareth just got back from a month long sabbatical. So, let’s give him a hand.
Gareth: Oh, stop. You’re making me blush.
Sabrina: Now, typically, this is when you sit though some boring safety demonstration.
Spencer: Argh, snooze fast.
Sabrina: But we like to do things a little different around here.
Spencer: We sure do. Someone give us a beat.[Cut to Luke in the passenger seat]
Luke: I mean, I used to beatbox in college. But I don’t know if I can still ever-ever– [Luke starts beatboxing] [Cut to the flight attendants]
Spencer: Ooh! That’s nice.
We’ll be soaring through the sky like a big old kite
Sabrina: Your crew is Spencer, Sabrina and Gareth
your comfort and safety is what we cherish
Spencer: Fasten your seatbelt and pull them up tight
and don’t unbuckle if you see that light
Sabrina: Be sure to stay seated or you’ll bump your head
Gareth: And god’s not real, when you die, you’re dead
All: Oh, my god!
Spencer: Dammit, Gareth!
Sabrina: Why would you say that?
Gareth: They deserve to know.
Spencer: We’re doing a safety rap, dude!
Sabrina: Yeah. Your line was “Exit rows are marked in red.”
Gareth: I’m just preparing them.
Sabrina: For what?
Gareth: The beyond.
Spencer: Um, look folks, we apologize. God is real and Gareth will stick to the rat we agreed on.
Gareth: We are alone in the cosmos and Gareth will rap as he pleases.
Sabrina: Spencer, just ignore him. [to Luke] Sir, would you please bring that beat back in? I thought that was pretty fire.[Cut to Luke]
Luke: Thanks. But it’s just something I ever-ever– [starts beatboxing] [Cut to the flight attendants]
Spencer: [rapping] If you happen to be seating in the exit row
there’s a couple of things we think you should know
Sabrina: Your closest exit might be to the back
Gareth: And afterlife is just a void of black.
Spencer: [yelling at Gareth] Stop doing that!
Gareth: I will not be silenced.
Sabrina: What’s happened to you, Gareth?
Gareth: I woke up, Sabrina. I woke the hell up.
Sabrina: Well, Spencer worked very hard on this rap. So cut it out![Cut to Leslie in the passenger seat]
Leslie: Um, yes, I have a question.
Spencer: Yes, ma’am. You are in fact seated in the exit row. yes.
Leslie: Oh, no. My question is for Gareth. So, when you die, you just gone forever?[Cut to the flight attendants]
Sabrina: Ma’am, why?
Gareth: And religion is a delusion that shields us from that im-permanance. If you’re interested, I can recommend several podcasts.
Spencer: Can we please just finish the rap, please? Thank you.
Sabrina: Yeah. I agree. Gareth, the freak show ends now. Okay. Sir, please bring that sweet ass beat back in one more time.
Gareth: It is a very sweet beat.[Cut to Luke]
Luke: Really, it’s not that ever-ever– [starts beatboxing] [Cut to the flight attendants]
Spencer: [rapping] Now, let’s discuss an important task
how to apply your oxygen mask
Sabrina: Look out below when they start to fall
you gotta move quick, there’s no time to stall
Spencer: Strap to the head, pull the tight ends tight
Gareth: Be sure to do your’s before helping your friends
Spencer: Now you all understanding
Sabrina: But you should be doing something in the water landing
Gareth: The cushion on your seat can be used as a float
you can slide down the ramp and into a boat
blood stains the water, and you start to scream
what benivolant god would allow such a thing?
Spencer: [yelling] There is an air Marshall in here at all?
Gareth: [rapping] When I say ‘death is’, you say ‘Final’
Gareth: Death is…
Spencer: Okay, that’s it. Give me that. [Spencer takes Gareth’s mic away] [Air Marshall walks in]
Air Marshall: Air Marshall here. [holding Gareth tight] You’re gonna have to take a seat sir. Come on.
Gareth: Okay. Wow. Sic the thought police on me, Adolf. Real nice. Everyone here should read 1984. It’s irrelevant now as forever. You 3-F