Aidy Bryant
Anna… Heidi Gardner
Melissa Villaseñor
Genie… Cecily Strong
Horace… Bill Hader.
[Starts with three ladies waiting for
Aidy: What time is it? Is Genie still coming?
Anna: I just got a text. She’s saying they’re in the elevator.
Melissa: They? Oh, my god.
Aidy: Wait. Is she bringing her boyfriend?
Anna: His name is Horace and they’re married. Remember?
Melissa: Does she go anywhere without him? It’s just so weird.
Anna: You just think it’s weird because he’s an older man. Oh, shh. I think–
[Genie walks in. Horace is following her in on an automatic wheelchair. He is bald on top and has white hair on side and back. He is wearing a blanket and an old man sweater. He is very old.]
Genie: Hi. Hi. Sorry, we’re late. It’s been a chaotic week. Horace’s sons are suing me again. Horace, where are you going? To the– [Horace goes straight and hits the wall] Oh! Horace, be careful. You are being such a dude right now. [to her friends] Men. How do we, ladies? Speaking of, Anna, how was your honeymoon?
Anna: Oh. Paris was amazing.
Genie: Horace, they went to Paris. Anna went to Paris.
Horace: Uh-huh.
Aidy: That’s so romantic.
Genie: You know, Horace used to live in Paris during World War II. He can speak fluent French. Horace, speak some French. Horace, speak some French to them.
Horace: No. [laughing]
Genie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Comedian. Right. Because ‘No’ is the same in French. You know, you’re laughing at your joke more than anyone else as usual.
[Horace is moving his shoulder like he’s laughing]
Aidy: Is he still laughing? Is maybe something wrong?
Genie: No. No. He is just tickled. Don’t encourage him.
Anna: Are you sure he’s okay?
Genie: Yes. Just let him have his laughing phase. Are you done?
Horace: Okay.
Anna: So? Are we gonna play Uno or what?
Aidy: Yes! Let’s do it.
Horace: I’m ready.
Aidy: Oh! Is Horace playing?
Horace: Genie, it’s here now?
Genie: It is? Like, right now? Oh, that’s inconvenient.
Melissa: What’s here?
Genie: Oh. He’s got a– You guys know how we’re trying to get pregnant. We’ve been working with the specialists. We’re doing all these treatments. Yada-yada-yada. His cialis kicked in.
Horace: It’s here. Let’s go.
Anna: Wait. What are you doing?
Genie: Well, we just have to take advantage when it’s here. Just, you know.
[Genie takes the blanket and sits on Horace’s lap]
Melissa: Why?
Genie: Hey, don’t worry. I have this courtesy blanket so you won’t see anything.
[Horace is shouting]
Melissa: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that here.
Horace: Oh, it’s a good one.
Genie: We have to. You guys know how bad I want a baby.
Aidy: Oh my god. You can’t do that old man here.
Horace: Oh, yeah. Look out.
Genie: Guys. It’s like breast feeding in public, okay? It’s about accomplishing a task. It’s not a sexual thing.
Anna: Alright. But sex is a sexual thing.
Genie: No, Anna, believe me, okay? This is all by the numbers. It’s science. It’s clinical. It’s boring.
Aidy: Okay. Well, can you at least use the bedroom?
Anna: Don’t offer my bedroom. I sleep in there.
Genie: Guys, guys, it’s nothing. I can talk and chew gum at the same time. You know what? Let’s just play. Horace, can you move me closer to the table? [Horace takes them to the table on his automatic wheelchair.] Slow, Horace. [They push the table far away] Slow. Horace. Horace, slow. Horace.
Aidy: Where are my cards? Okay, I will go first I guess.
Horace: Oh, yeah!
Genie: My cards are terrible.
Horace: Oh, yeah.
Anna: You know what? I’m sorry. You know what? I just– I can’t do this.
Horace: You can change your cards if you want.
Anna: No. Not the game. You and your husband doing that.
Genie: You guys, seriously. You know how important being a mom is to me.
Melissa: I know that. And I’m trying to not see what I’m seeing. But I think this is making it to the point where I can never look at you again.
Genie: Oh, my god. Okay. Does everyone feel that way?
Aidy: Actually, yeah.
Genie: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we will leave. Come on, Horace. Wow! [Genie and Horace move to the door on the wheelchair.] Slow. Slow. Horace.
Horace: You know what? No.
[Horace moves the wheelchair backwards pushing the table and everything.]
You know what? You should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman is your friend. She always dreamed of being a mom. It’s been a very difficult journey for her and she needs your support. If you can’t give her that, then you’re not a kind friend.
Genie: Oh!
Anna: Yeah.
Aidy: You’re right.
Melissa: We are sorry.
Anna: Yeah. You’re gonna make a excellent mother.
[Horace starts screaming]
Genie: Horace?
[The End]
