Horns

Doctor… John Mulaney

Lucian… Luke Null

Trina… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a doctor speaking to his patient]

Doctor: Well, Lucian, you’ve come to the right place. I know this was a hard decision but I think your life is gonna be a lot better once we remove your horn implant.

[Lucian has horns implanted on his forehead as a bodymodification. He has his lips and ears pierced too.]

Lucian: Yeah. It’ll just be nice to have a flat forehead again. It’s been so long since I’ve slept on my face.

Doctor: As soon as you’re comfortable, we can schedule the surgery.

Lucian: Um, Im’ sorry, I haven’t told my girlfriend yet. Can she come in here even if she doesn’t have insurance?

Doctor: Of course.

Lucian: Sweet. [shouting out] Trina!

[Trina walks in. He has her hair dyed green]

Trina: Why are we in a doctor’s office, Lucian? Am I pregnant?

Lucian: No, babe. You can’t get pregnant from the sex we have. Sit down.

Trina: Oh. That’s what I thought. But then I was like, maybe? I don’t know.

Lucian: Trina, the reason that you’re here is because I’m thinking about getting rid of my horns. Having them removed.

Trina: What? Did you just say you’re getting your horns removed?

Lucian: Yeah.

Trina: Why?

Lucian: Well, you know how I can’t get any jobs anywhere?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think the horns are why.

Trina: You do?

Doctor: I’d have to agree. They’re terrible. I think if Lucian wants to remove his horns, we should support him.

Trina: Wait. Are the horns like, hurting him medically?

Doctor: No. They’re not hurting him. They just make him look like he has a bad past.

Lucian: And I wanna get rid of em’, Trina, okay? Like, you know how your dad and your brother won’t speak to me?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think it’s because I’m a human with horns.

Trina: You do?

Lucian: I do. They don’t like it.

Doctor: Most people mistrust men with horns.

Trina: Okay. I’m sorry. Where did you do your doctor degree thing?

Doctor: I attended Harvard medical.

Trina: Is that good? I don’t know. It sounds sketched to me. Okay, so wait. Like, if you get your horns removed then what else are you changing?

Lucian: Nothing. I’m keeping my gazes. My eyebrows are staying gone. The nine volt battery that’s inside my nose where the cartilage used to be, staying.

Doctor: Oh, god!

Trina: So, I mean, what? Are you just gonna have your calf holes sewn up too? Or?

Lucian: Babe, I’m keeping my calf holes open, okay? You’ll still be able to see bone.

Trina: What about tissue?

Lucian: Yeah. You’ll be able to see all the meat inside my leg, I promise.

Doctor: May we pause for a second. You calves are just an open wound?

Trina: Argh! It’s just gonna be so weird with you not having horn.

Doctor: I’m sorry, you didn’t answer me. Your bone and muscles are visible via calf hole?

Lucian: The horns are just a lot, Trina. Like, you know how that goat at the petting zoo kept trying to challenge me?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think it’s because he thought I was a rival goat coz I have horns.

Trina: You do?

Lucian: Yes.

Trina: I don’t know. I mean, I’m trying to understand.

Lucian: Are you trying to understand, Trina? Because I understood when you got your butt cheeks removed as a joke.

Trina: Excuse me? I did that as a prank. Okay? If I would have done it alone, it would have been a joke. But I had my mom watch, so it’s a prank. Thank you.

Doctor: Okay. I gotta cut in here again. You got your butt cheeks removed as a joke?

Trina: As a prank! I’m sorry. Where did you go to school?

Doctor: Harvard. I’ve told you this.

Trina: [sigh] I’m sorry. I forgot. I mean, my whole life is about to change. [Trina pulls out a spray paint] Do you mind if I do a bad?

Doctor: I’d ask that you not huff paint in my office. [Trina gets upset] It’s not me. It’s the building. Look, 75% of people who get fake horns end up having them removed within six months.

Trina: So, that means the other 25% get more horn put in?

Doctor: No. That’s not at all what I’m saying. It’s very stupid that you would think that.

Trina: Oh! I’m just imagining you with no horns. It’s pissing me off. You’re gonna look like banker.

Doctor: No. He’s not. Even without the horns, he’ll still be a walking disaster. He’s what we in plastic surgery call completely ruined.

Lucian: See?

Trina: Okay, fine. But you’ll keep everything else?

Lucian: I’m keeping everything else.

Trina: Are you gonna keep your butt crack a zipper?

Lucian: Hey.

Trina: Are you?

Lucian: You have my word.

Doctor: May I see your calf holes?