Male host… Kenan Thompson
Becky… Claire Foy
Tamara VanBurke… Cecily Strong
Charlene VanBurke… Aidy Bryant[Intro of HSN playing] [Cut to HSN hosts in their show set]
Kenan: Well, Becky, bad news, we have officially sold out of the Candace Cameron Bure [Cut to the book male host is holding] Full Body shape wear sets.[Cut to Kenan and Becky]
Becky: I knew that would happen. They were too good to last.
Kenan: And you know who got the last pair? Me. I got ‘em on right now.
Becky: Oh, you little stinker. You look dynamite.
Kenan: They’re smashing my wiener. But I like the feeling, and I love the look.
Becky: All right. [Kenan throws the book away] Now, we are moving on to a brand new vendor here at “HSN.” Her name is Tamara VanBurke, and she’s going to be showing us her ‘Teeny Adorables.’
Kenan: Well, that’s right. Let’s get it out here.[Tamara comes in]
Becky: Hi Tamara.
Kenan: Hey Tamara.
Becky: Good to have you.
Tamara VanBurke: Can I just say I’m having like a real fangirl moment. [Cut to Tamara] I watch you guys every day. Don’t be scared but I know like, everything about you.[Cut to everbody]
Becky: Oh you are too sweet.
Kenan: Yeah, why don’t you tell us about your Teeny Adorables?
Tamara VanBurke: OKay. They’re very small. [Cut to Tamara] Just a little bigger than a tiny grain of rice. Sorry, my heart is beating so fast. They’re one of a kind, ceramic gifts. Guaranteed to be unique since I make only one of each kind. And there are over 800.[Cut to everybody]
Becky: And you’re a one-woman operation? Amazing.
Tamara VanBurke: Yes, yes, [Cut to Tamara] it’s just me with tiny tweezers, little magnifying glasses, all night long for hours.[Cut to everybody]
Kenan: Wow, and you brought them all with you today?
Tamara VanBurke: Yes, I did. They’re right in my case. [Tamara looks behind and starts looking for her case] Where is—[Cut to Tamara] my god. Oh, no, oh, god. Oh god, I was– I was so excited about being here that I left them in the flipping Uber! I’m stinking idiot.[Cut to everybody]
Becky: Okay. Okay, just hang on sweety.
Kenan: Yeah, maybe sounds like maybe you forgot those Teeny Adorables?
Tamara VanBurke: Maybe? No. I left them in the tea bag [Cut to Tamara. Tamara is pissed off] in Uber because I’m a stupid butthole bitch.[Cut to everybody]
Kenan: Okay, sweetie. Think you might be being a little hard on yourself.
Becky: If they’re in the Uber, maybe we can just give him a call.
Tamara VanBurke: No. No, [Cut to Tamara] I’m sure he’s got them. Because for some freaking reason I had to open my fat mouth and brag and tell him they were over $100,000. Why Hubris god, eat my ass to hell![Cut to Kenan and Becky]
Becky: Okay, well, [Cut to everybody] you know what sweetheart, I’ve seen these collectibles.
Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara leans her head on the table] Oh, bitch!
Becky: And I think I can just tell everybody what they look like.
Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara losing control] Oh my brain sucks.
Becky: There’s one that looks like a tiny circle of camels just like for Jerusalem times.
Tamara VanBurke: God sucking loser!
Becky: And they’re just having the nicest little conversation.
Tamara VanBurke: Ass.
Kenan: Okay, all right, I think you’re starting to scare me a little bit.
Becky: Maybe we just need to—
Tamara VanBurke: Need to what, kill me? Oh, please, you know what? [Cut to Tamara] That would actually be a favor because frankly, I am too much of a little chicken dump to do it myself.[Cut to Kenan and Becky]
Becky: Our phones are lighting up like crazy but remember folks, there’s nothing to buy.
Tamara VanBurke: Chicken dump loser![Charlene, Tamara’s mother, comes in on her wheelchair]
Charlene VanBurke: What the hell are you doing out here?
Tamara VanBurke: No, please mother, [Cut to everybody] do not pile on right now.
Kenan: So, this is your mother?
Becky: Well, that’s fine, isn’t it?
Charlene VanBurke: Well I told her she was incapable of [Cut to Charlene] handling stuff like this–
Tamara VanBurke: Mother get out of here.
Charlene VanBurke: [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] She can’t focus because she has no concentration.
Tamara VanBurke: Oh god, crack ass.
Charlene VanBurke: Her thoughts don’t connect to anything.
Tamara VanBurke: Oh my dumb ass, lie.
Charlene VanBurke: Now, did she tell you about her eyes?
Tamara VanBurke: Mother, stop!
Becky: [[Cut to Kenan and Becky] What’s wrong with her eyes?
Tamara VanBurke: I can only [Cut to Tamara] see shadows!
Charlene VanBurke: Yes. [Cut to everybody] Yes, you ruined them making those dumb tiny things.
Tamara VanBurke: Oh, my dog balls, lie!
Charlene VanBurke: Yeah, [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] I sat behind her every night as she bent over those little Dodads.
Tamara VanBurke: Oh, crack my ass!
Charlene VanBurke: And I said, no one is ever, ever going to buy one of those little clowns. [Cut to everybody] And now she needs surgery, ‘cause her eyes are junk’.
Tamara VanBurke: Out! Get out! No! Don’t back up! Out! You out! Out! Out![Cut to Kenan and Becky]
Kenan: Well, this was great.
Becky: It sure was. [Cut to Kenan, Becky, and Tamara]And we wish you luck with your surgery.
Tamara VanBurke: No, no surgery! I was going to pay for it with the money I got from here.
Becky: Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Tamara VanBurke: Ass.
Kenan: All right, we’ll stick around because our next hour we’ll have Charlene VanBurke her big old adorables.[Charlene comes in again with a toy that looks like snowman]
Tamara VanBurke: What? Mother!
Charlene VanBurke: My big adorables are cute and Christmasy, and I didn’t forget them.[Cut to everybody]
Becky: So stay tuned right here to HSN, the homosexual shopping network.
Kenan: It’s home shopping network.
Becky: Is it? Okay. If you say so. We’ll be right back.[HSN outro plays]