Jail Cellmate: Season 44 Episode 3

Guard…..Chris Redd

Prisoner…..Seth Meyers

Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ Image of a prison yard. A guard’s voice is heard. ]

Guard voiceover: “Open Cell 517. New Prisoner. Good luck new fish”. ] [ Cut to a jail cell. The prisoner is entering the cell holding his blankets. Bill Cosby sits on the lower bunk in the shadows. ]

Cosby: Ah, don’t listen to them. They’ve been here so long they don’t know what it means to be human.

Prisoner: Thanks so what are you in here for?

Cosby: You don’t ask a man that in here. You put your head down, keep to your business.

Prisoner: Wow. Old-timer. You really know the ropes. I’ve never done time before. This friggin’ sucks.

[ Bill Cosby stands up out of the shadow. He can now be seen to resemble Bill Cosby. He speaks in a voice like Bill Cosby, too. ]

Cosby: Hey! You don’t come in here with your filth and your foul foul filth. You need to get a job.

Guard: Hey, Cosby, keep it down. This is the tenth warning. And you’ve only been here four days. Lights on!

Prisoner: Wow! Bill Cosby, I mean, on behalf of every one of your fans, it is so disappointing to be meeting you now.

Cosby: What!? I am in my prime. I’m in jail and lovin’ it. No kids with the darndest things. Limited interactions with Camille. And when I was fighting incarceration, I had no idea that one of the staple foods of the prison system is Jell-O.

Prisoner: I know we are cell mates or whatever. But I really hope you’re not enjoying prison, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby: Dr Cosby. Young people.

Prisoner: I’m not a…I’m 43.

Cosby: You know I want to talk to the young black men in this jail. I’m gonna tell them with no guards present, that they chose to wear the pants around the b-u-t-t, half of their drawers hanging out. And they should be in jail!

Prisoner: I would be super interested in seeing you do that.

Cosby: Well, thank you. I’m going to need a folding chair, a sweat suit, and a headset microphone.

[ The guard enters the room. He is on the other side of the bars of the cell. ]

Guard: Okay inmates. On your feet. We are searching cells.

Cosby: Oh okay, kemosabe. We need to hide some things.

Prisoner: What do you got in there? Drugs?

Cosby: Worse! [ Cosby pulls out a two-foot long deli sandwich. ] Oh hello, my beloved!

Prisoner: Wow, so you really eat huge hoagies?

Cosby: Well not anymore. They put me in jail for loving salty foods.

Prisoner: That’s not why you’re in jail.

Cosby: And now everybody on TV is the burping and saying the flip off, or flip you. Quick! I dug a hoagie tunnel behind this poster of Dizzy GIllespie.

[ Cosby brings the hoagie over to the wall where there is an upside down poster of Animal from the Muppets. ]

Prisoner: Uh, I think you’re eyesight is bad. That’s Animal from The Muppets and it’s upside down.

Cosby: Don’t worry, you’ll be safe in here Denise. [ He pulls back the poster to reveal a hole in the wall and throws the hoagie into the hole. ]

Prisoner: Wait. You dug that tunnel in four days?

Cosby: That’s right. I got two spoons and I went [ He scats like Bill Cosby would. ]

Prisoner: Wow! You are just like Cliff Huxtable except in just one major way.

[ Cosby pulls out a live turtle. ]

Cosby: You have to help me hide this guy. He’s all I have.

Prisoner: I almost feel bad for you. You’re an old man going blind and all you have is a pet turtle.

Cosby: Turtle?! I thought this was Quincy Jones. Quince? You’re gonna sit there and lie to my face? [ He nods the turtle up and down. ]

Prisoner: I wanna switch cells!

Cosby: Oh you fool. How come everytime I try to mentor someone, it ends up turning on me.

Prisoner: Can I ask you something? And this is going to come out way meaner than I intend. But have you considered just dying?

Cosby: Well, I can’t. My love of dancing is on the defibrillator. Everytime I almost die, I just.. [ He starts to scat and to dance mocking the way Bill Cosby is known to dance. ] myself back to life.

Prisoner: What aren’t you getting about this situation? Because you seem genuinely happy and it’s terrifying.

Cosby: Well, I have my regrets. In fact, I want you to deliver this letter if you get out before me. It’s to an old friend.

Prisoner: It says: ‘Hey Elvin, I heard you work down at the Trader Joe’s. Send me a tub of those pretzels with the peanut butter and put a crowbar inside.

Cosby: I’m busting out! I got Woody Allen to drive the getaway car. Between the two of us, we got one working eyeball. Give me some skin. [ He puts his hand out for a high five. ]

Prisoner: No.

Cosby: Skin it. [ He keeps holding his hand out. ]

Prisoner: No, I’m not gonna skin it. I would normally have some small amount of sympathy for an eighty-year old man being sent to prison, but you damaged countless lives. Maybe you should forget about who you think you are and face what you actually did.

Cosby: Hmm. [ He puts his hand on his chin to indicate that he is thinking. ] Theo!

Prisoner: Not my name.

Cosby: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Applause. You are afraid to study. I am your father and I will kill you.

[ The guard enters the room again. ]

Guard: Damnit Cosby! Stop quoting classic episodes. Open cell 517. [ The cell door opens. ]

Prisoner: Hey seriously, can I switch cells? Like, does this prison have solitary?

Guard: Oh yeah, we have solitary. Right, this way. [ The guard leads the prisoner out of the cell, and they walk off stage. ]

Cosby: So long, Jack! Four days down, and I got the house to myself.

[ Smooth jazz begins to play. Cosby does a ‘cosby’ dance and sits down in the recliner in his jail cell. ] [ The camera zooms in on the turtle, and a voiceover speaks from the turtle’s perspective: “So what did we learn tonight? Not much. But it doesn’t matter how old you are. If you got friends and music, you can get a groove going. And I am in fact, Quincy Jones. ] [ Cut to the image of the prison yard. ]
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