John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue


John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] That is a very weird thing to say. I was a writer here for five years. Some of the best years of my life. And to be hosting here to just surreal. I mean, I used to write monologues for the host. Now, I’m up here, I get to give the monologue. I get to introduce the musical guest. I mean that’s incredible. The best intro by the way I ever saw of SNL host with musical guest was sir Patrick Stewart, okay? Sir Patrick Stewart was introducing the musical guest and this is how he did it. He went, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and [loud voice] Pepper!” Like he was surprised by pepper. Like, minutes before, they’ve been like, “We can’t find Pepper anywhere,” and he was like, “If we must go on with Salt alone, we will go on with Salt alone.” And they were like, “Three, two, one,” and pepper burst through the door and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and what’s this? [loud voice] Pepper!” It was the best time. It was an innocent time, you know? When I was younger, I thought that the world was going to be simple and nice. But now, at the end of my life, I’m not so sure. I’m getting grumpy which I don’t like. Like, I don’t like any new songs. I don’t like any new songs. Coz every new song is about how tonight is the night and how we only have tonight. That’s the message in 90% of songs. That’s such 19 year old garbage. I wanna write songs for people in their 30s called, “Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Houston on Wednesday? Oh, okay. Well, let’s not just see each other for six months and it doesn’t matter at all.”

I tried to stay polite. I’m overly polite apparently, my wife says. And when my wife and I walk down the street, we have totally different styles. When she walks down the street, she does not care what anyone thinks about her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I want everyone to like me so much, it’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.

People ask us if we’re gonna have children. We don’t have any. And so, we say no. They go, “Never? You’re never gonna have kids?” And I’m like, “I don’t know never. Look, 14 years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.”

Strange, the passage of time. I like old fashion things. You know? I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff and– really, okay. And one day in Connecticut, it doesn’t matter why but I was sitting in a gazebo. There was a plaque on the gazebo and it said, “This gazebo was built by the town in 1863.” That’s in the middle of the civil war. And they built a gazebo. How did that town meeting work? They were like, “Alright, everyone. First order of business, we have all the telegrams from the Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here. Okay, everyone’s husband and brother and everyone died. Okay. Josiah, you had something?” “Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walking through the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain but you still wanna hold hands? Well, may I introduce you to and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo!” Building a gazebo during the civil war would be like doing standup comedy now.

They used to do weird slow leisurely activities coz they didn’t have enough to do. So, they had to fill the dead. Back then you woke up and you were like, “Oh god, it’s the old days. I gotta wear all those layers. We got to think of some weird slow activities to fill the time,” and they did. Have you ever seen an old film from the past of people like, waving at a ship? [John Mulaney is waving his hand like he’s waving to ship that’s already gone] What if I called you now to do that? “Hey, what are you doing Monday? There’s a Norwegian Cruise line leaving for Martinique at around 10 AM. Here’s my plan. We get very dressed up including hats and we wave handkerchiefs at the ship till it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship.”

Everything’s fast now and it’s totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots. And sometimes they ask us if we’re a robot just coz we’re trying to log on and look at our own stuff. Multiple times a day. [acting like he’s logging into his computer] May I see my stuff please? “Umm. I smell a robot. Bro. Prove! Prove! Prove you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters, much curvier than most letters wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look mortal if it be. You look and you type what you think you see. Is it an E? Or is it a 3? That’s up to you. The passwords have passed, you’ve correctly guessed. But now it’s time for the robot test. I devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” What? You spend a lot of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. Jack White is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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