Tina Shepard…..Leslie Jones
Blake Boyhair…..Kenan Thompson
Drew Mellencamp…..Cecily Strong
Announcer: You’re watching KCR News on KCR 1. And now, back to Albany’s favorite news team. Tina Shepard and Blake Boyhair.[ Cut to KCR news desk where Tina and Blake are sitting and chuckling. ]
Blake: Oh, welcome back, folks. Tina and I are laughing because she drew a very realistic penis right on the desk.
Tina: He dared me. He dared me.
Blake: Actually, I asked you not to do it. [ Tina is laughing hysterically. ] Anyway, let’s go to Drew Mellencamp with the weather. Drew, what’s up?[ Cut to Drew. ]
Drew: Hey guys. Get this. So, I was running late as usual. I was driving here, and out of nowhere, I hit somebody.
Blake: Are they okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s fine. The car’s a Volvo. The thing’s a freakin’ tank. Yeah, yeah, it’s all good. But unfortunately, I do have some bad news. It looks like that cold front is heading our way.
Tina & Blake: Drew!
Tina: How could you?
Blake: Don’t do that to us!
Drew: Sorry guys. It’s not getting any warmer anytime soon.[ Matt walks onto the stage next to Drew holding a bouquet. ]
Matt: I think, I have just the thing to warm things up.
Drew: What? Matt, why are you at my work?
Tina: [ She looks shocked. ] Is this…?
Blake: I think it is. [ He looks excited. ] I hope I don’t cry.
Tina: I hope you don’t either.
Matt: Baby, I know I’m not the smartest guy on Earth. I know I don’t have a job at the moment, or for the past two years. But none of this matters, because being with you the past six months.
Drew: Three months.
Matt: It’s six, baby.
Drew: No, it’s three. Because we were not exclusive the first three.
Matt: You were not, I was. The point is, you’re the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. So, I have one thing to ask you…
Drew: My answer is no.
Matt: You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.
Drew: No, I do. And you promised you wouldn’t, so don’t…
Matt: Here we go, I know you’re scared.
Matt: So that’s why [ He gets down on one knee and presents her with the bouquet. ]
Matt: I had to spring it
Drew: Stand up.
Matt: on you baby.
Drew: No-oh. I’m gonna do the weather now. [ She walks away from Matt who is kneeled before her. She walks away and in front of a green screen which is displaying the 5-Day Forecast. ] So. Weather. That cold front from Canada hits us on.. [ Hip-hop music begins to play. ] What is this music? This better not be music for a rap.[ Matt walks up to Drew, and since he is wearing a green shirt his body disappears in front of the green screen. He is only a head and a hand holding the bouquet. ]
Matt: [ He begins to rap. ] I have a forecast for the rest of my life. Partly happy, with a chance of man and wife.
Blake: Oh no, he chose to wear green.
Tina: And he’s in front of the green screen. He just looks like a floating head.
Matt: So Drew, what you gonna do? Say yes. What you gonna do?
Drew: Oh, Matt. [ She does not look pleased. ]
Matt: Baby, look at the screen. Look what it says. [ The words ‘MARY ME’ appear on the screen below Drew and Matt. ]
Drew: Matt, you spelled marry wrong.
Matt: What do you mean?
Drew: You spelled it like the name.
Matt: I was in a rush. I was excited.
Drew: Matt, you promised not to do this. Especially on TV, at my job.
Matt: I know, but it’s called crossing your fingers, dummy. And I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a great idea. Your mom, Terry, is totally on board.
Drew: Terry? Are you talking about my birth mother who’s in jail?
Matt: Not since Friday![ Terry walks onto the stage between Drew and Matt. She is wearing a dirty sweatshirt. ]
Terry: Hey sweetie. How’s it going?
Drew: You’re not allowed to have…
Terry: Nah, let me have a hug.
Drew: No, you can’t have any contact.
Terry: Come on. Could I have four hundred bux?
Terry: Alright, well then good luck being married to this bitch. [ Terry walks off the stage. ]
Matt: I can’t wait. Come on, baby. I’m just a guy, standing here on Wednesday, asking my favorite weather gal to marry him. So what do you say?
Drew: No, Matt. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna push through with the weather. So, I’m sorry. I’m’… So, as you can see it’s mostly cloudy and cool at the beginning of the week. Damn it, Matt. Matt, wait![ Drew runs away from the green screen to the front of the news desk, where Tina and Blake are sitting, greeting Matt. ]
Drew: Yes! Yes, you big dummy. Of course, I’ll marry you. The reason I didn’t want you to ask me on air, was because I wanted to ask you on air.
Matt: Are you serious?
Drew: Umm, does this look serious? Guys, come out. [ Tina and Blake stand up. They are wearing shirts that read, ‘He Said YES.’ Dancers waltz out behind the newscasters. ]
Matt: Oh my God. Are they about to sing? [ Music is playing, ‘Colors of the Wind.’ ]
Drew: You’re favorite song, ‘Colors of the Wind,’ from Pocahontas. Yes.
Blake: [ He begins to sing and red balloons fall from the ceiling. ] Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?
Matt: You did all this for me?
Blake: Or ask the grinning bobcat why he grins?
Drew: Of course, why else wouldn’t I just say yes immediately?
Blake: Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Tina: Up next, police searching for a female driver of a Volvo suspected in a hit-and-run. But isn’t this beautiful?
Blake: Can you paint with all the colors…[ Cut to KCR News Albany outro. ]