Anthony… Kenan Thompson
Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon[Starts with a bartender announcing the last call to the customers at the bar.]
Anthony: Aright desperados, last call. You know, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.[There are only two customers because it’s late. One man and a woman]
Charles: Hang on here, bartender. I’ll have one more speedy gonzalez. That’s a hot margarita with dulcolax in it.
Sheila: And I’ll take a plantar’s punch. Heck, I’ve already got the warts. Hah! Ha-ha.
Anthony: [giving the drinks to Charles and Sheila] Well, drink fast, please.
Charles: Well, well, well, [looking at Sheila] The Oscars are tomorrow. I’m looking at the nominee for the worst possible sport.
Sheila: Maybe you play your cards right and you’ll get to walk my red carpet. Unless you’d rather be my seat filler.
Hey, mind if I slam my clam a little closer? There’s a nail in this stool and it has pierced my rubber underwear.
Charles: Sure, but let me get this last gulp of clean air before you get here. [Charles breathes in] I’m ready.[Sheila moves close to Charles]
Sheila: So, where have you been all night? That part of the night where I was lucid?
Charles: I went to bathroom on my hands and knees.
Sheila: Oh, well. Were you sick or were you doing folks?
Charles: I wish. I temporarily lost my crown. It fell in the toilet to an hour. But I got it best.
Sheila: Oh, great! That’s great. That’s great. It’s worth it. My name’s Sheila Sovage. Have you ever seen that show “Naked and Afraid?”
Charles: Why? Were you on that show?
Sheila: No. No. But if you play your cards right, I’ll make you both.
Anthony: [talking on the phone] Yea, hello, ISIS. Yeah, I changed my mind. I will join.
Charles: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you tonight, I thought, “Hello no.” But now I’m not thinking coz I’m drunk.
Sheila: Oh, yeah? And of all the men in here, you’re the only man in here. Let’s go back to my place and do missionary, huh? That’s where you try to teach me English until you get frustrated and leave the country.
Charles: I’d rather do the reverse cowgirl. That’s where I put your cowboy hat over your face and walk you out back till you fall out of window.
Sheila: Oh! You’re bad man. You bad. Maybe we should go for a test drive here in the showroom. Yeah?[Sheila leans towards Charles]
Anthony: [praying] Dear god. Make me a bird so I can fly far. Far, far away from here. Dear god. Make me a bird.
Charles: Hello, do you have certs?
Sheila: Oh! No. But I do have the next best thing. Um, a lady speed stick. Yeah. Good idea. [She takes it out and licks on it. Then she rubs it on Charles’s mouth too.] There you go. There. Fresh as a daisy. Let’s do this.
Sheila: Wow! [coughs] Wow! Are you as soft as I am dry?
Charles: I’m engorged.
Sheila: Look. I think our lips are getting in the way of the main attraction. The tongue.
Charles: I got an idea.
Sheila: Oh yeah?
Charles: Let’s try this thing I stole from the dentist.[Charles pulls out two dental retractors and they both put them in their mouths.]
Charles: Yeah.[Charles and Sheila kiss wearing the dental retractors. Anthony is covering his eyes.]
Anthony: Anthony! Don’t look. It’s gonna be too terrible. But yet, I must. What’s the worst thing that could happen? [Anthony peeks] Noo![Anthony is turned into a stone]