Dr. Connolly… Chadwick Boseman
Dr. Karen Price… Aidy Bryant
Sandra Matson… Kate McKinnon
Dave Matson… Mikey Day
Chris Redd[Starts with Dr. Connolly and Dr. Karen Price at the podium speaking to the press. They’re both wearing aprons.]
Dr. Connolly: Thank you all for being here today. I’m Dr. Connolly, lead researcher for the fertility frontiers project. This is my brilliant supervisor Dr. Karen Price.
Dr. Karen Price: Hello.
Dr. Connolly: Nine months ago, we began working with a couple who had difficulty conceiving. But through a process, we created called ‘Paternal Embryonic Gestation’ and implanted artificial womb. Their dreams of pregnancy have come true. With one small difference. Please welcome Sandra Matson and her husband Dave Matson, history’s first pregnant man.
Mr. Matson, you just made history. Any comment?
Dave: Um, yeah. Anybody have olives and peanut butter? I’m having a really weird craving.[The press laughs.]
In all seriousness, we feel so blessed that life found a way.
Sandra: Um-hmm. Now if we could only find a maternity store with a men’s section.[everyone laughing]
Dr. Connolly: Now, we’ll open it up for questions. Yes.
Heidi: First, congratulations on this remarkable achievement. Dr. Connolly, how does the man give birth?
Dr. Connolly: Well, the plan has always been a scheduled C-section.
Dave: Two weeks from today.
Dr. Connolly: But the plan has changed.
Dave: It has?
Dr. Connolly: My team and I now believe that due to the fragility of the artificial womb, the baby must be delivered naturally through Mr. Watson’s urethra.
Dr. Connolly: Who else has a question?
Dave: I do.
Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.
Chris: Hello, there. Just to be clear, the baby will come out of this man’s, um, now I’m sure there’s a classy way to say this but I’m going with pee hole?
Dr. Connolly: Yes. The elasticity of the skin and tissue in that area will stretch to accommodate the birth… hopefully.
Dr. Karen Price: Yes. Picture a bowling ball going through a twizzler.
Dr. Connolly: With that said, we will be prepared for possible tuliping.
Heidi: I’m sorry, doctor. What is tuliping?
Dr. Karen Price: Oh, I can take this one. Yeah, the best way to describe it is with the Looney Tunes metaphor. So, if you recall when Bugs Bunny would put his finger in Elmer Fudd’s gun barrel? When Mr. Fudd pulled the trigger, the barrel would bush out. Peel back like tulip petals. Hence, tuliping.
Dave: Oh, my god. So, next question. Yes. The woman in the wrinkled skirt.
Cecily: Oh. That detail was unnecessary. Mr.s Madson, will you be present in the delivery room?
Sandra: Not anymore. No.
Dr. Connolly: Yes. The delivery room will be crowded. It will be all hands on the deck and few hands in deck, if you know what I mean.
Dave: No. I don’t know what you mean.
Cecily: And lastly, will Mr. Madson be given the same epidural drugs used on women?
Dr. Connolly: Oh, no.
Dave: Yeah. Stronger?
Dr. Connolly: Unfortunately, no epidural or pain numbing drugs can be used as Mr. Madson will need to push at full strength for the full 24 hour long birth.
Dave: 24? Can’t it go any faster?
Dr. Connolly: Not without significant risk of tuliping.
Dave: Stop saying tuliping. Stop.
Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.
Alex: Yes, first off, Mr. Madson, congratulations and I’m so sorry. Now, how long do you anticipate the recovery process will take?
Dave: Um, forever?
Heidi: I can’t believe no one’s asked yet. Boy or girl?
Sandra: It’s a girl. Which is good because we have a lot of girl names we like.
Dr. Connolly: Well, pick your top three because surprise, you’re having triplets. Mr. Madson, any parting words?
Dave: I mean, I’m worried about my penis.
Dr. Connolly: We all are. Thank you.