Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon
Mike Pence… Beck Bennett
Assistant… Heidi Gardner
Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller
Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro.
[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence in the office of Department of Justice, Washington, DC.]Jeff Sessions: I don’t know, Mr. Vice President. I feel like I say this every week but this week was bad. I’m beginning to regret my wish to become a real boy. I toss and turn in my shoebox all night wondering what’s FBI gonna do next?
Mike Pence: I know. I know. We’re in a real pickle here, Jeff. And you know how uncomfortable I am around pickles.
Jeff Sessions: Yes. I can’t believe they raided Michael Cohen’s office. What are we gonna do, Mike?
Mike Pence: The important thing ti s to stay calm. In couple of months, the president will be back to normal.
Jeff Sessions: How’s that?
Mike Pence: Coz it will be me.
Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s good. That’s good.
[Assistant walks in the door]Assistant: Excuse me, Mr. Sessions.
Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Are they here for us? [raising his both hands up] I’ll go peacefully.
Assistant: No. It’s not the police. The president’s lawyer, Michael Cohen is here to see you.
Jeff Sessions: Oh! Finally. By all means, send him in.
[Michael Cohen walks in]Michael Cohen: Hey. Hey. How you doing? That’s right, it’s Michael Cohen, attorney at law. You know. sometimes also not in law.
Jeff Sessions: Mr. Cohen, this situation is out of hand.
Michael Cohen: I know. Can you believe what they’re doing to poor Mr. Trump? It’s a disgrace. This whole raid was a complete violation of attorney criminal privilege.
Mike Pence: Well, if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about.
Michael Cohen: Is that a joke? Look, we got a real problem here, Jeff. You know how much evidence I have in my office? I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer. I got a whole hard drive that’s just labelled “Yanks.”
Mike Pence: I have to say, some of these allegations against you are quite disturbing, Mr. Cohen. Like, how you paid $1.6 million for a top republican mistress to have an abortion.
Michael Cohen: Yeah. 1.6 million for your abortion. Thank you Obamacare! This is all your fault, Jeff. You shouldn’t have recused yourself. You should have protected Mr. Trump. He’s a fragile flower. And he also happens to be the smartest, kindest, sexiest, least colluding man on this planet which I call earth.
Jeff Sessions: [whispering to Mike Pence] Okay, he’s just a fool dumb, dumb now. [to Michael Cohen] Michael, the reason we brought you here today is that there’s someone who would like to speak with you.
Michael Cohen: Oh, great! Who?
Mike Pence: Don’t worry about it. He’s down the hall waiting for you.
Jeff Sessions: And remember, whatever happens, you have our full support, okay? So, right this way. [walking Michael Cohen out] Thank you so much. Thank you for coming in. [Michael Cohen walks out] I cannot wait to see that little dummy burn.
Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
[Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence do the high-five.] [Cut to Michael Cohen walking into the interrogation room. There’s a polygraph machine on the table.]Michael Cohen: What is this place?
[Robert Mueller walks in from another door.]Robert Mueller: Looking for something, Mr. Cohen?
Michael Cohen: Robert Mueller?
Robert Mueller: Why don’t you have a seat, Mr. Cohen? [Robert Mueller gives the wires of polygraph machine to Michael Cohen] Here, put these on. You’ve ever used a lie detector before?
Michael Cohen: I feel like I have.
Robert Mueller: Great!
Michael Cohen: Look. I want you to know I will gladly go to jail to protect Mr. President Trump.
Robert Mueller: Just relax, Mr. Cohen. If you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about. I’ll start with some easy ones. How’d you like that peepee tape?
Michael Cohen: What?
Robert Mueller: I’m kidding. Relax. We’ll get to that later. Is your name Michael Cohen?
Michael Cohen: Yes.
Robert Mueller: And you’re a lawyer?
Michael Cohen: Ish.
Robert Mueller: Did you have– did you make a payment of $130,000 to Stormy Daniels?
Michael Cohen: Yes.
Robert Mueller: Did president Trump know about it?
Michael Cohen: No.
[Polygraph machine starts making noise]Robert Mueller: I think you’re lying.
Michael Cohen: It was supposed to be a surprise for Stormy. Like a gift.
Robert Mueller: A gift?
Michael Cohen: Yeah. A gift. Like rock you throw through a window with a note tied to it that says “Stop talking.”
Robert Mueller: So you threaten people?
Michael Cohen: Directly? No. But, let’s just say I’ve cut a lot of letters out of a lot of a magazines. I was just trying to milk some information out of people. So what?
Robert Mueller: Did you say milk?
Michael Cohen: Yeah. Like, with a cow or a goat or a… cat. I mean, you can milk anything with nipples.
Robert Mueller: Really? I have nipples. Can you milk me, Mr. Cohen?
Michael Cohen: Look, Mr. Mueller, this entire Russian investigation is a witch hunt and your whole team is prejudiced against the president.
Robert Mueller: Not true. In fact, we use code names so personal feelings never come in to it.
Michael Cohen: Yeah? What’s president Trump’s code name?
Robert Mueller: It used to be Putin’s little bitch. Now, it’s Stormy’s little bitch.
Michael Cohen: What about Ivanka’s code name?
Robert Mueller: Girlfriend.
Michael Cohen: Jared Kushner?
Robert Mueller: Other girlfriend.
Michael Cohen: Don Jr. and Eric?
Robert Mueller: Two fradles.
Michael Cohen: What about my code name?
Robert Mueller: Dead man walking.
Michael Cohen: Look, I don’t have to take this from you. I have rights.
Robert Mueller: Now, you listen to me you little weasel. I don’t know what rights you think you have. You broke the law. And now we’re gonna catch all you little fakers, you got that?
Michael Cohen: Okay. Okay. But I will tell you this.
Michael Cohen and Robert Mueller: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.
