Jeff Bezos…Steve Carell
[Narrator speaking, Amazon company logo on the left side and ‘A MESSAGE FROM JEFF BEZOS’ written on the right side of the screen.] And now a message from Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos.
[Cut to Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking in front of the Amazon company’s backdrop]
Jeff Bezos: Hi everyone. As you know, Amazon just announced the location of it’s two new headquarters in [Cut to short clip of New York and Vircinia] New York and Virginia. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] And everyone, except or the people who live there and the people who live in all of the places we didn’t choose, is thrilled. Some folks have speculated that I was somehow trolling president trump by building one headquarters in his hometown of [Cut to Short clip of Queens] Queens and the other in his current residence of [Cut to Short clip of White House], Washington D.C. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] thereby overshadowing or humiliating him. [Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and moving forward slowly in an Amazon warehouse] But that’s simply not true. Sure, he attacked me repeatedly on twitter [Cut to showing screenshots of President Trump’s tweets], but I chose our new locations because they were ideal for a growing business, not just to make Donald Trump think about how I’m literally 100 times richer than he is.
[Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] We needed access to a young, educated workforce, which is why we set up a [Cut to Picture of a map showing Florida] satellite office in Palm Beach, Florida, across the street from Mar-A-Lago. [Cut to Jeff Bezos sitting on a sofa, speaking with a newspaper in his hand, showing the news] And did I purchase “The Washington Post”? Sure. But it was just to run headlines like the White House is in a meltdown or [Cut to Close shot of the news] immigration lawyers suing “The Apprentice” for president Trump’s use of the N-word. I also like the style section. [Cut to Close shot of style section of the newspaper where there is a picture of Donald Trump playing tennis]. [Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and speaking] But the real reason I wanted to talk to you today has nothing to do with Donald Trump, who publicly attacked our company [Cut to Screenshot of President Trump’s tweet appears on the screen] for exploiting the post office. I’m here to announce a brand-new delivery option that doesn’t involve the post office at all, Amazon Caravan. Any package going to Trump’s building will get delivered by hundreds of Honduran and Mexican immigrants, and I will pick up the bill. Unless you order “The Art Of The Deal,” [Cut to The book ‘The Art Of The Deal’ written by Donald Trump appears on the screen] that costs more to ship because it’s heavier. I guess it’s the only book with four chapter 11s. [Cut to Clip of Drone with Amazon branding taking off] We’re ready to launch drone deliveries too [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking], but testing has shown the customers find drones scary and impersonal. That’s why I’m outfitting each and every drone with human hair. [Cut to A drone with a wig that looks like President Trump’s hair] The style of the hair was completely random. I just wanted something that looked so silly, and everybody knew it was fake, and the drove should just give up and shave his head like a real man would. [Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and the pictures hung behind him are a picture of him with Kanye West and a picture of him and Kim Jong-Un] And I want to make sure to give back to the new communities for joining. That’s why I’m purchasing a building in Queens that used to be the crown jewel of Fred Trump’s real estate empire and converting it into [Cut to Picture of public urinals] public urinals. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] And in Virginia, we’ll be very close to [Cut to cartoon map of Amazon office across the street from Arlington National Cemetery] Arlington National Cemetery [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] so we can pay our respect to fallen veterans even when it’s raining outside. Thanks to Mr. Trump, Amazon’s future is brighter than ever. [Cut to Jeff Bezos turns on the switch, and it turns on the light that says ‘Amazon’ on the White House building]
[Cut to Branding logo of Amazon SickBurn] This has been a sick burn by Jeff Bezos.