Natalie’s Rap 2

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Interviewer… Beck Bennett

Natalie Portman

Carl… Andy Samberg

[Starts with Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman. Music playing in the background.]

Interviewer: We’re here today with film star Natalie Portman. Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control.

Natalie Portman: Yeah. Well, I was going through really weird time then. But, I have matured a lot.

Interviewer: Why don’t you fill a scene on what it is like to be you?

Natalie Portman: Okay, you bitch.

Interviewer: I’m sorry, what?

[Music video starts] [rapping] Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
[bleep] you husband and his best friend just for sport man
you know it’s clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade

Xan is dissolving in my Pino
my man dance but he’s not ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes but
he gives me good D though, wrap a good burrito

Tide pod’s only [bleep] thing I snack on
blackout and go [bleep] Black Swan

Bring on on ayahuasca boy
tell your tourist parents I’mma turn you to a foster boy

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Wow, I gotta say it seems like you’re almost exactly the same but with current references.

Natalie Portman: Unture. I’m a mother now. It has really changed my perspective.

Interviewer: And do you find it difficult juggling kids in a career?

Natalie Portman: You can juggle these nuts.

Interviewer: What?

Natalie Portman: [rapping] I dance now, I make mommy moves
when I gave birth, I didn’t even push
I was blazed out smoking bomb kush
and when my water broker, you know it drowned the doctor

They say I’m sex positive, hell yeah, I’m positive
that you’re going down while I’m bobbing “My prerogative”

tell me why? Hah! I guess I’m showing my age
now bend over and spread em’ coz you about to get laid–

[The doctor walks in, and immediately he walks out and shuts the door close.] [Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: That’s a good stuff. Now, I have to ask Natalie. Have you seen the new Star Wars movies?

Natalie Portman: No.

Interviewer: Oh. They’re really good. They’re much better than–

Natalie Portman: Better than what?

Interviewer: [bleep] [Cut to the music video. Natalie Portman is pointing a gun at Alex Moffat]

Natalie Portman: Say something ’bout the mother [bleep] prequels, bitch!

Alex: They were good!

Natalie Portman: Say something [bleep] nice about Jar-Jar Binks

Alex: He’s tall?

Natalie Portman: Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks

Alex: What?

Natalie Portman: While I sit dead on your face and take a shit

[Cut to Carl joining Natalie Portman’s music video]

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: Yeah?

Carl: Please come meet your baby
He cries himself to sleep every night

Natalie Portman: That little shit ain’t mine!

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: What?

Carl: It’s been twelve long years
And I’m seven days sober, I swear on his life!

Natalie Portman: You’re a mess, Carl

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Okay, well, that’s all the time we have. Natalie, one last question. Do you think those “Time’s Up” pins have had the impact that you were hoping for?

[Natalie Portman stands and pins the “Time’s Up” pin on Interviewer’s forehead.]

Natalie Portman: How’s that for impact?

Interviewer:Well, actually. [Natalie Portman throws Interviewer out of the window.] oh, no.

Natalie Portman: No more questions

 

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