Neo-Confederate Meeting: Season 44 Episode 1

Todd…..Kyle Mooney

Jim…..Beck Bennett

Volunteer 1…..Adam Driver

Volunteer 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Volunteer 3…..Aidy Bryant

Security Officer William…..Chris Redd

 

[ Opens with a image of a Community Center entrance. ] [ Cut to a meeting room with Todd standing up front and the rest of the volunteers seated in folding chairs. ]

Todd: A couple of League of the South announcements. Deb is selling Confederate flag blankets. All proceeds go to the troops. And there’s been some complaints about our Fantasy Football League. We’re gonna go ahead and say you can pick black players on your team. So that’s going to help out a lot. Now, Jim has something important to say. So come on up here.

Jim: Alright, okay. So friends, you’ve seen it. It’s been over a year since we Neo-Confederate volunteers marched on Charlottesville and things haven’t gotten better. [ The seated volunteers all nod their heads. ] More foreigners coming in. More strangers who don’t respect our way of life. We’re losing our culture and I will not sit quietly. You with me?! [ The seated volunteers respond with ‘Yeah’s, head nods, and cheers.] So tonight, I have a plan. A grand vision. If they’re going to keep coming here, then we’re going to go to someplace else. Our own place. For our own people. [ There are murmurs from the seated volunteers and a few head nods. ] No immigrants, no minorities. An agrarian community where everyone lives in harmony. Because every single person is white. [ Volunteer 1 raises his hand. ] Yes, sir.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, I know that place. That sounds like Vermont.

Jim: Vermont? No sir, what I’m talking about is a place purely for caucasians. Where even the folks who wash the dishes and pick the fruit are white.

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah, that’s Vermont.

Jim: Are you new here?

Volunteer 1: Ah yeah, I’m originally from up north.

Jim: Woah! Woah, woah!

Volunteer 1: Don’t worry, I’m from Boston.

Jim: Oh alright, good good. Okay good.

Volunteer 1: But, I’ve been to Vermont many times and it’s just like what you were saying.

Jim: I’m sorry, but you don’t seem to understand what I’m proposing is a whole new society. Going back to a time when the white man can take things he grew from the ground and trade them with another white man who grew things from the ground.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, uh, that’s a farmer’s market. And they’re all over Vermont.

Jim: Damnit, this ain’t some Yankee commune. Alright, the place I’m envisioning is a paradise. Country stores.

Volunteer 1: Yup.

Jim: Covered bridges.

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah.

Jim: The kind of place where you can drive around in an old car and wave to folks on porches having breakfast.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, I’m sorry I saw that last week, in Vermont.

Jim: Well be that as it may, no one wants to Vermont, right? [ The volunteers grumble ‘no’s and shake their heads. ]

Volunteer 2: I don’t know. That sounds kinda nice. Are there lots of dogs around wearing bandanas?

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah, well of course there are.

Jim: Look, look, y’all we’re getting off track. Now Todd, you don’t want to go to Vermont, do you?

Todd: I don’t know, Jim. I was thinking. You know how for this year’s White Nationals Retreat we were gonna go to Colonial Williamsburg again? Hey, maybe we should go to Vermont?

Jim: Todd! Todd! You love Colonial Williamsburg! It’s things as they should be!

Todd: I know Jim, but this place sounds nice! Pancakes on the porch. Spiced apple compote. The leaves change colors but the people never do. Why wouldn’t you wanna go?

Okay, now I just found an Airbnb in Shelburn. Listen to this. Cozy eight-bedroom farmhouse, vaulted ceilings, two-way fireplace, fly-fishing, and off-roading nearby. That’s a caucasian paradise, y’all. [ The seated volunteers talk amongst themselves with excitement and agreement. ] [ The security officer walks in. He is black. ]

Security Officer William: Alright everybody, caucasians. Wrap up your little Confederate pity party. Man there is an AA meeting starting in about ten minutes.

Jim: Now hold on, William. Have you ever been to Vermont?

Security Officer William: Vermont? Why would I want to go there? There’s no hip hop on the radio. People paying to run around in corn mazes. There’s not a black face for miles. Hell no! [ Security leaves the room. ]

Jim: Oh okay, alright. Thank you, William. Okay, well it’s settled. We’re going to Vermont! [ Everybody cheers. ]

Volunteer 1: Maybe we can all rent Subarus.

[ Cut to front entrance of the Community Center. ]

 

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of