Pervert Hunters

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Dana Millbrook… Tina Fey

Beck Bennett

Director… Mikey Day

MUA… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with “Dateline” show video bumper] [Cut to Dana in her studio set]

Dana: I’m Dana Millbrook. Everyday, millions of perverts attempt to buy sex online. It’s a disgusting industry that fuels human trafficking and we’re doing our part to stop it. This is pervert hunters.

[Cut to a guy getting in a kitchen. The video is taken by a hidden camera.]

Dana narrating: This creep thinks he’s meeting a Romanian prostitute name Svetla. Let’s see what happens when he meets me instead.

Guy: Hello? Svetla?

[Dana walks in]

Dana: Hi, there. Why don’t you have a seat?

Guy: Um, wait, who are you?

Dana: We’ll get to that. What’s in the bag?

Guy: Um, none of your business.

Dana: Hmm. [looks through the bag] Looks like beer, condoms and what’s this? Cookies? Hmm. I wonder if they serve jukies in cail– Oh! Crap.

Director: And cut!

Dana: Sorry, cookies in jail. Duh! So sorry.

[Director walks in]

Director: No, no. It’s fine. It’s fine. [meeting Guy] Hi, I’m Mitch. The director.

Guy: A director? What is this?

Dana: Oh, you’re on a pervert show. it’s “Pervert Hunters.”

Guy: Pervert Hunters? The show where they catch online creeps?

Dana: Yeah. You’re the creep we’re catching in this episode.

Guy: Argh!

Director: Yeah. And we need to get that entrance again.

Guy: Oh, god.

Director: Because someone has a big old logo on their shirt. [Guy is wearing Jack Daniel’s shirt] I will have to blurr. Go ahead and just zip up this hoodie.

Guy: Ah! I made a mistake. I didn’t– I won’t do it again. Please.

Director: Oh, my god. I love that energy. I love it. Save that. But let’s get that entrance again and then we can talk about how you’re not guilty. Okay?

Guy: Okay.

Dana: And Mitch, I might change my entrance. I didn’t love it.

Director: Okay. All good. But Dana, what am I going to remind you?

Dana: Get out of my head.

[Guy walks outside with his bag to do the entrance again.]

Director: Thank you. Pervert, whenever you’re ready, okay? Ready, and action!

[Guy walks in.]

Guy: [sobbing] Hello, Svetla.

Director: Cut. Dana, can you–

Dana: Yeah, I’m on it. Pervert, remember. At this point you still think you’re gonna have sex with the prostitute. So, no crying.

Guy: I’m sorry. I’m not like an actor or–

Dana: Oh, you’re doing great.

Guy: Oh, thanks.

Director: Okay. No crying this time, pervert. [Guy walks out again] And action!

[Guy walks in]

Guy: Svetla? Hello?

Director: Perfect.

[Dana walks in]

Dana: Svetla will have to take a rain check. Have a seat.

Guy: Wait. Who are you?

Director: Cut! So, sorry. I just wanna move you so your face is towards camera. Okay. And actually, his face is a little shiny. Can we get some make up?

[Make up artist walks in and does the make up on Guy]

MUA: Oh my god, Mitch! This pervert is sweating a lot.

Guy: Sorry. I–

Director: Well, we’ll just shoot around it, okay? We gotta move. We’re losing light. Okay? And action!

Dana: So, what’s in the bag?

Guy: None of your business. I’m sorry. Can we cut?

Dana: What’s wrong? I thought that was great.

Guy: Well, at this point in the show, I don’t know who you are, right?

Dana: No. Not yet.

Guy: Okay. Then I wanna do that a little differently. Could you give me the line into it?

Dana: Yeah, of course. Maybe do three in a row.

Guy: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Director: And action!

Dana: What’s in the bag?

Guy: [softly] None of your business. [raising voice a little] None of your business. [different voice] None of your business. I just want to give options.

Dana: Yeah. Second one was great. Looks like beer, condoms and what’s this? Cookies? I wonder if they serve cookies in jail. [laughs] Sorry.

Director: Okay, cut.

[Dana and Guy are laughing]

Dana: You know, I’m sorry. I just remembered how I messed it up before. It got me–

Guy: You got me started. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha.

Director: Okay, I love that you guys are having fun. Okay? But we need to get this before our next pervert.

Guy: Right.

Dana: Sorry. Serious. Serious. Okay.

Director: Okay. No giggles this time, you two. And action.

Dana: I wonder if they serve cookies in jail.

Guy: All never do it again. It’s just that, well, I’m a lonely man. And I was weak. I’m sorry.

Dana: Save it for a judge, creep.

Director: And cut! I think we got it. Wow. Pervert, I really felt something there at the end. That’s amazing.

Guy: Thanks. Thank you so much. That ‘save it for the judge’ line. That was amazing.

Dana: No. That was all you. You brought that line out of me.

Director: Well, I think that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[everyone clapping]

Guy: Ha-ah. Stop that. Come on, guys. Thank you so much. Seriously. I’ll be watching.

Dana: Aw, one more time for our pervert.

Director: Yeah.

[everyone clapping]

Guy: Alright, see ya’.

[Guy walks out the door. Two policemen jump on him as soon as he gets out.]

Police: Get on the ground, creep!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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