Peter Pan


Kyle Mooney

Captain Hook… Sam Rockwell

Peter Pan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a book “Peter Pan” opening.] [Cut to a ship where there are pirates and four hostages tied to a pole]

Kyle: We are on tie right now, Hook. Peter Pan is sure to catch wind of your plan. And when he dies, you’ll be sorry.

Captain Hook: Peter Pan, Peter Pan. Peter Pan can offer you the lost boys half there is as I can. Join me in my pirate and a life of adventure will be your’s forever.

[music playing] [Captain Hook starts dancing]

Pirates: [singing] Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
you’ll love a life of a thief

You’ll relish the life of a crook
And you’ll get treasures by the ton
Join up with Captain Hook!

Hostage: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Captain Hook: That’s right, boys. Now you’re part of crew.

Pete: So, what do we do first? Loot some treasure?

Mikey: The lost boys are here to serve you.

Captain Hook: Hmm. Before we get to the main pirate stuff, let me ask you a question.

Mikey: What is it, Mr. Hook?

Captain Hook: Is this weird?

Luke: Is what weird?

Captain Hook: Just… I don’t know. The fact that I’m sort of encouraging all these young guys to hang out with my boat. Just from an optic stand point. Is that gonna look weird?

Pete: I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s fun.

Captain Hook: Well, I think it’s fun too. I’m having a great time. But, it’s just that in today’s climate, does this good really, really bad?

Mikey: No, it’s exciting.

Captain Hook: You say that now but how about when you grow up?

Luke: But we won’t grow up. We can’t.

Pete: Yeah. We’re in these pre-teen boy bodies forever.

Kenan: I’m gonna go.

Captain Hook: Huh? Where are you going?

Kenan: I’m not gonna make a big deal about it. Just gonna go ahead and get out of here. Yeap.

[Kenan jumps out of the ship.]

Captain Hook: Oh, my god! It is weird. It is weird. Hey, do you think it’s weird?

Beck: I’m okay so far.

Mikey: What are you so worried about, Mr. Hook?

Captain Hook: I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret my motives here.

Luke: Well, what are you motives?

Captain Hook: I just think boys are fun. They have youthful energy and they are up for anything.

Pete: Yeah. Like, in a harmless Michael Jackson way.

Beck: Okay, I’m out too. Forward my check, okay?

[Beck jumps out of the ship too.]

Captain Hook: Oh, god! No!

Mikey: Don’t worry, Mr. Hook. We’ll never say anything bad about you.

Captain Hook: Then what are you going to say? Let’s practice.

Pete: I don’t know. Just that we hang around in dirty pajamas and party with older guys  with earrings.

Kyle: Yeah. Kind of like a Bryan singer pool party vibe.

Captain Hook: Okay, okay. Can I just say for the record that if you guys never grow up, you can technically be 40 years old and I would have no idea.

Mikey: I’m 14.

Luke: I’m 10.

Pete: I’m a tall nine.

Kyle: I’m 36. So, I’m realizing I’m also in sort of a weird spot right now.

Captain Hook: Oh my god!

[Peter Pan jumps into the ship]

Hostages: Peter!

Peter Pan: Well, well, you very bad man. [showing Captain Hook his small knife]

Captain Hook: Oh my god. What have you had?

Peter Pan: All I know is it’s time for one of our special sword fights. I know mine is smaller than your’s but I’ll still stick it in you.

Captain Hook: That’s it for me. The ship’s your’s. Consider this hush money.

[Captain Hook also jumps out of the ship] [The hostages and Peter Pan start celebrating] [Cut to the book closing]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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