Kyle Mooney
Captain Hook… Sam Rockwell
Peter Pan… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a book “Peter Pan” opening.] [Cut to a ship where there are pirates and four hostages tied to a pole]Kyle: We are on tie right now, Hook. Peter Pan is sure to catch wind of your plan. And when he dies, you’ll be sorry.
Captain Hook: Peter Pan, Peter Pan. Peter Pan can offer you the lost boys half there is as I can. Join me in my pirate and a life of adventure will be your’s forever.
[music playing] [Captain Hook starts dancing]Pirates: [singing] Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
you’ll love a life of a thief
You’ll relish the life of a crook
And you’ll get treasures by the ton
Join up with Captain Hook!
Hostage: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Captain Hook: That’s right, boys. Now you’re part of crew.
Pete: So, what do we do first? Loot some treasure?
Mikey: The lost boys are here to serve you.
Captain Hook: Hmm. Before we get to the main pirate stuff, let me ask you a question.
Mikey: What is it, Mr. Hook?
Captain Hook: Is this weird?
Luke: Is what weird?
Captain Hook: Just… I don’t know. The fact that I’m sort of encouraging all these young guys to hang out with my boat. Just from an optic stand point. Is that gonna look weird?
Pete: I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s fun.
Captain Hook: Well, I think it’s fun too. I’m having a great time. But, it’s just that in today’s climate, does this good really, really bad?
Mikey: No, it’s exciting.
Captain Hook: You say that now but how about when you grow up?
Luke: But we won’t grow up. We can’t.
Pete: Yeah. We’re in these pre-teen boy bodies forever.
Kenan: I’m gonna go.
Captain Hook: Huh? Where are you going?
Kenan: I’m not gonna make a big deal about it. Just gonna go ahead and get out of here. Yeap.
[Kenan jumps out of the ship.]Captain Hook: Oh, my god! It is weird. It is weird. Hey, do you think it’s weird?
Beck: I’m okay so far.
Mikey: What are you so worried about, Mr. Hook?
Captain Hook: I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret my motives here.
Luke: Well, what are you motives?
Captain Hook: I just think boys are fun. They have youthful energy and they are up for anything.
Pete: Yeah. Like, in a harmless Michael Jackson way.
Beck: Okay, I’m out too. Forward my check, okay?
[Beck jumps out of the ship too.]Captain Hook: Oh, god! No!
Mikey: Don’t worry, Mr. Hook. We’ll never say anything bad about you.
Captain Hook: Then what are you going to say? Let’s practice.
Pete: I don’t know. Just that we hang around in dirty pajamas and party with older guys with earrings.
Kyle: Yeah. Kind of like a Bryan singer pool party vibe.
Captain Hook: Okay, okay. Can I just say for the record that if you guys never grow up, you can technically be 40 years old and I would have no idea.
Mikey: I’m 14.
Luke: I’m 10.
Pete: I’m a tall nine.
Kyle: I’m 36. So, I’m realizing I’m also in sort of a weird spot right now.
Captain Hook: Oh my god!
[Peter Pan jumps into the ship]Hostages: Peter!
Peter Pan: Well, well, you very bad man. [showing Captain Hook his small knife]
Captain Hook: Oh my god. What have you had?
Peter Pan: All I know is it’s time for one of our special sword fights. I know mine is smaller than your’s but I’ll still stick it in you.
Captain Hook: That’s it for me. The ship’s your’s. Consider this hush money.
[Captain Hook also jumps out of the ship] [The hostages and Peter Pan start celebrating] [Cut to the book closing]