Colin Jost: Post cereal has announced that they will be making a new sour patch kids’ flavored cereal. It’s a great way to start the morning off on the right foot because the left foot was taken by diabetes.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of globe focusing Ireland on the top right corner] Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim that they saw an unidentified flying object but keep in mind, Irish pilot is also the highest reading on a breathalyzer. [The picture on the top right changes to a breathalyzer] [The picture on the top right corner changes to chocolate] A luxury candy company in Chicago will soon start selling ruby chocolates, and they’re gonna get sued because ruby chocolate is my drag name.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Walt Disney Park on the top left corner] Walt Disney World removed a man from the park as he waves a Trump 20-20 banner on splash mountain. The man also demanded to separate the ‘It’s a small world kids’ from their families. And ironically, the man had snuck into the park through Epcot’s Mexico pavilion.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of annual calendar for taxi drivers on the top right corner] The annual New York city taxi calendar has been released featuring pictures of topless cap drivers. A calendar of Uber drivers [The picture on the top right corner changes to a car window with ‘Uber’ tag inside] is available on the sex offender registry.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of two women sign on the top left corner.] A lesbian couple made medical history by each taking turns carrying their baby’s embryo in their wombs. It was a totally equal effort, said the one who didn’t have to give birth. [Michael Che laughs] [The picture on the top left corner changes to a picture of candies] British police are asking a woman who hid more than $300,000 worth of cocaine inside her daughter’s candy. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the daughter is still trick-or-treating.
