Prison Job

0
(0)

Phillip… Chris Redd

Norman… Donald Glover

Allen… Kenan Thompson

Prison guard… Alex Moffat

Spider… Beck Benett

[Starts with guys talking to each other.]

Phillip: Yo, I’m telling y’all, man. I gotta get out of this prison, dog.

Norman: Man, I’m never coming back here.They got us working thirty cents an hour.

Allen: It’s like modern day slavery. I feel like these walls are changing me.

Phillip: I know what you mean, man. Like, last week this new MA came up, asked me what size my sneakers was. I said, “Yo size, bitch!”

Norman: Damn! So then what happened?

Phillip: Then he tried to grab me by my collar, right? That’s when I– [phone ringing] Hold on a second. [speaking very politely on the phone] Um, good morning. Customer service. My name is Phillip. Oh, how can I assist you today? Uh, alright ma’am. Please stay online while I direct you to the manager. Alright. Thank you. [Phillip presses the extension number and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly again.] Then I grabbed the razor that I was hiding in my butt cheeks and cut his ear off, fam.

Allen: I know exactly who you talking about, man. He tried the same thing with my boy Freddie. You know Freddie, right?

Norman: Freddie that made cognac in the toilet?

Allen: No, not that Freddie. [phone ringing] Hold on. [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. This is Allen speaking. How can I assist you this afternoon? Well, yes. That particular necklace is real turquoise in a 14 carat gold plated trim. Oh, you have a lovely day too. Alright. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] No. Freddie that stabbed the guard in the neck with a spoon.

Norman: Oh, yeah. I know Freddie. Um-hmm. He trie to jump me in a bathroom. There was like, five of em’. But you know me, I’m crazy. So, I pulled down my pants and then– [phone ringing] Hond on. [speaking very politely on the phone] It’s a gorgeous Wednesday morning. This is Norman. How can I be at your service today? Well, yes, ma’am. And might I say, that is a lovely choice. I personally have that in my very same unit in my kitchen. Okay. Okay, now. I’m gonna put you through. Alright, bye. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] I crapped in my hands and then I threatened to touch them with it.

Phillip: Yo, we been there. Err’body been there. Y’all heard about Rico though?

Norman: Who Rico? The cop killer?

Phillip: Nah, nah, nah. Not that Rico, man.

Allen: Rico the drug lord?

Phillip: Nah, man! Rico! The guy that makes all the silly puns.

Norman: Oh! You mean fun Rico.

Phillip: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fun Rico.

Norman: Oh, he’s the best. I just love his silly puns.

Allen: Yeah. He’s the only thing that keeps me going. But what about him?

Phillip: He hung himself.

Norman: Oh, my god.

Allen: No.

Phillip: He was hanging there.

[phone ringing]

Norman: [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. Well, thank you very much for the positive feedback, ma’am. I do remind you that there is a short five minute survey– [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] She hung up on me.

Allen: Argh! I hate when they do that.

Norman: How hard is it to take a five minute survey?

Phillip: I know. It’s like, one more good review and I make parole, lady.

[phone ringing]

Allen: Ma’am, are you still waiting on hold? I am so sorry for the inconvenience. Please be patient with us. God bless you too. [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] Argh! I hate when customers have to hold. Makes me wanna kill again.

Phillip and Norman: I feel you. Me too.

[A prison guard walks in with a guy, Spider, on straitjacket]

Prison guard: Enough chitchat in here fellas!

Spider: [making crazy face] Why don’t you loosen these straps for me just a little, will ya?

Prison guard: Yeah, right. So you can eat me like you did your last cell mate? You sick bastard!

Norman: Yo, this lady on line four wants to speak to a manager.

Prison guard: Alright. I got this.

[Prison guard puts the headphones with mic on Spider]

Spider: [speaking very politely on the phone] Hello, this is Spider, the manager speaking. Oh, well, I am so sorry to hear that you did not enjoy those Omaha steaks. They’re all I ever eat. A lot of em’. Now, if I can just get some personal information, what are you fears?

[The End]

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments