Revolutionary War

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Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Rachel Dratch

Netalie Portman

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Dunken… Chris Redd

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with a picture of an old painting where there are men sitting inside a room]

Male voice: 1775, American colonists in New England are in open revolt against their British overlords. In Philadelphia, representatives of each colony meet to address the crisis.

[Cut to the representatives’ meeting]

Beck: Order! Order! Order! We must declare ourselves an independent nation.

Kyle: And fight the British army? We cannot win, sir!

[Pete walks in with a letter in his hands]

Pete: Glorious news from Boston. It seems the New England have just won an astounding victory over the British in a place called Bonker Hill.

[The men are not excited. They all sigh.]

I don’t understand. Is this not a welcome news?

Beck: No, it is. It’s just that now we have to hear the boasting from the Patriots of New England.

[A group of people wearing blue clothes walk in cheering and making noise. They have glasses in their hands. They are celebrating.]

Alex: Oh, yay!

Rachel: We crushed your chief again. We are the Patriots of New England and we are unstoppable.

New England Patriots: Yeah!

Alex: Do we even know how to lose? No!

Natalie: Dynasty! That’s the word you’re looking for. Dynasty.

Heidi: That’s just how we do it in Massachusetts, kid.

Luke: And Connecticut was there too.

Rachel: Yeah. Sure. A bit. But we’re number one!

New England Patriots: Number one!

Beck: [whispering] I recognize that New England wins battles, but must they be so obnoxious about it?

Kyle: Dreadfully annoying. Frankly, I’m willing to lose this whole war if it means not seeing them win again.

Beck: New Englanders, are you drinking beer? This is not a public house!

Rachel: Knock it! This is coffee from Dunkens.

Natalie: The best. Hey, Dunken, thanks!

[Dunken walks in with two more glasses]

Dunken: It’s good, right? I feel like I should like– It should go like a sweet bread. Like, a very– [Alex looks at Dunken and shakes his head. Dunken keeps quiet and walks out.]

Pete: [very excited] Well, I for one applaud you New England Patriots. On your many victories. What’s up?

Rachel: Many? Many victories? Try five, boss.

New England Patriots: Five!

Rachel: Yeah, we won them all. French and Indian war.

Natalie: Won it.

Rachel: King Phillips war.

Natalie: Killed it.

Rachel: Lexington, Concord!

Natalie: Crushed it.

Rachel: And now, Bonker Hill.

Natalie: The best one yet kid. Oh! Oh! Oh! Tell em’ the story!

Alex: Alright! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Alex walks near Beck,Kyle and Pete]

Beck: Oh, god! Here we go.

Alex: Okay. It was insane, bro! The British got like, 50 ships, okay? We get pushed back way behind our line like 40 yards.

Beck: I see.

Alex: Okay. But, our guy, Captain Thomas Brady, he’s got like a best cannon and boom! We come back like we always do.

Natalie: It was wicked sick! Wicked!

Beck: Wonderful. It’s always lovely to hear another story about Thomas Brady. Now…

Rachel: Thomas Brady is like a machine.

Alex: Um-hmm.

Rachel: We’re all machines. We’re New England. Yeah!

Natalie: We eat the most lobsters.

Heidi: And we got the most rocks in the soil. So, how you like us now?

Beck: Ha-ha. Yes, yes. Well, congratulations again. But I’m sure others would fight just as bravely if given the chance.

Natalie: Oh, yeah?

Heidi: What?

[Kenan, Tina and Charlie walk in. They’re Philadelphians.]

Tina: Yea! We won. [cheers and applause]

Beck: Ah! The delegation from Philadelphia.

Tina: Yeah. How you’s doing? We crossed many waters up the Scoogle river to give all you’s a message. Philly is mad strong. From the lil babies to all our mom-moms and pop-pops. We is ready to fight!

Charlie: Yeah! We whip their horseshoe at their head and sent the British home.

Tina: Yeah. So, grease up them polls, coz Philly’s gonna win and then one of these guys are gonna punch a police horse.

Kenan: Yeah. We’s a bunch of rowdy quakers!

Kyle: Sir, you’re form Philadelphia?

Kenan: Yeah. West Philadelphia, born and raised.

Beck: Alright. I admire your spirit, Philadelphia, but you don’t exactly have history of winning battles like New England does.

Tina: Yeah. Well, that was then. This is now. Okay? Call us the Eagles, coz we’re ready to fly.

Charlie: Fly, Eagles, fly!

Beck: The Eagles?

Tina: Yeah. And like Eagles, we Philadelphians are swift. We are deadly. And our eyes are all built too close together.

Kenan: Yeah! And we got the best food.

Tina: Yeah. Hand me that, Charlie. Hand me that. [Tina takes a bucket from Charlie’s hand] I brought venison hoagies, porch stuffed peppers and corn fritters from Wawa. Wawa. Wawa is an Indian lady who lives just outside of country house.

Natalie: Philadelphia, please! You got no chance, kid!

Rachel: Yeah! Let New England handle this, you skeezer!

Kenan: Oh, go home, New England!

Tina: Yeah. And can I tell you something about your precious captain, Thomas Brady? He’s old, okay? He’s like, forty. That’s four years pass life expectancy.

Rachel: No, sir. You take that back, sir! You take that back!

Tina: Na-ah! Na-ah! Boston’s not even a real city. It’s a college town with a fishing pier.

Rachel: Oh, yeah? Oh, talk to us when you win one, num nuts!

[The two groups are feuding]

Beck: Hey! Patriots of New England, you have truly achieved remarkable success. I believe I speak for this entire chamber when I say, “Just shut up.” Shut up! Yes, you have won in the past. But by no means does that guarantee future victory. And Philadelphians, you are overdue for victory. And I wish you all the best in your upcoming battles. But if you do win, please be cool. Okay? Just because the British don’t burn your city doesn’t mean you have to. Do we nave an understanding?

Tina: Nope!

Natalie: Yeah. We’re the best. You know it.

Rachel: Yeah. Because New England brings the pain!

Luke: And Connecticut too.

Tina: Oh, you trying to get beat tonight? We don’t need the British. We can settle this outside right now.

Rachel: Oh, good with me. Come on! One if by land. Two by your mother.

[They start feuding again. They all walk out.]

Beck: They are the worst. Is there any way they both could lose?

Kyle: God, let’s hope so.

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