Sam Rockwell
Cecily Strong
Leslie Jones
Colin Jost
Kate McKinnon
[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Rockwell.
[Sam Rockwell walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]
Sam Rockwell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. My name is Sam Rockwell. Now, most of you probably know me as that guy from that movie. You know, I’m talking about not the main guy but the other guy. And when you see him, you’re like, “Oh, this guy. I like this guy. He’s pretty good.” But thank you. That’s me.
[cheers and applause]
I’ve been a working actor for over 30 years and I’ve got in to disappearing to many great roles but– and just last week, the worst thing that could ever happen to a character actor happened to me. I won an award and [cheers and applause] — yeah. And I said, “Whoa! Am I a big ass honking movie star now? Did I just go from actor to big as deal?” Yeah, I know. I’m just as surprised as you are. I mean, I was a character actor all my life and now I might actually just go full leading man. Yeah, I might as well start right now.
[band playing music]
[Sam Rockwell starts dancing]
[singing] a little less conversation, little more action please
all this aggravation in expecting of me
[A red carpet rolls to Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell starts walking and dancing on the red carpet. The dancers come to him.]
Hey, who are these guys?
[Sam Rockwell continues dancing and walking towards the backstage hallway]
Whoo! Ninjas? [Two ninjas walk in.] Hey, come on! [Sam Rockwell beats the two ninjas.] Hey, alright!
[Sam Rockwell then walks out of the door. There is a paparazzi.]
[Sam Rockwell walks into Cecily Strong]
Cecily Strong: Well, Sam Rockwell. I see you’re a leading man now. Just in time, [points a gun on Sam Rockwell’s face] to die. [Sam Rockwell takes the gun away and holds Cecily Strong by her waist] Oh, Sam. [Sam Rockwell is trying to kiss Cecily Strong] Oh, we can’t do kissing scenes anymore. We had a whole HR meeting about it.
[Cecily Strong walks out. Leslie Jones walks in.]
Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. Ah. [Leslie Jones holds Sam Rockwell tight] Now, you know I didn’t go to that meeting.
[Leslie Jones kisses Sam Rockwell]
Whoo!
[Leslie Jones holds a rose by her teeth and starts dancing with Sam Rockwell]
You better not tell HR.
[Sam Rockwell pushes Leslie Jones out of the exit door.]
[Sam Rockwell meets Colin Jost]
Sam Rockwell: Colin Jost?
Colin Jost: How’s it going, man. Break a leg tonight.
Sam Rockwell: You break one.
[Sam Rockwell kicks Cecily Strong out through the door.]
[Sam Rockwell meets Kate McKinnon]
Kate McKinnon: Sam, well, you’re a big ass deal.
Sam Rockwell: Hey. So are you. Wanna dance?
Kate McKinnon: Sure.
[Sam Rockwell and Kate McKinnon dance and walk forward]
Wow, I can’t believe it.
[They run into ninjas again and beat them.]
Go, get em’ baby. I got it.
Sam Rockwell: Thanks baby.
[Sam Rockwell wears a magician hat and holds a magic stick. Then he walks to the SNL stage and stands on cameraman’s crane.]
Come on, come on. Hey, come on. Yeah. Let’s make this damn good. Let’s have a good time. Come on.
[There are backup dancers on the stage. Sam Rockwell walks to the stage and dances with them.]
[music stops]
We got a great show. Halsey is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
