Marconius Wilde…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kyle Mooney[Intro of So You’re Willing To Date a Magician]
Host: [Host and Tracy standing on the stage] Welcome back to ‘You’re Willing To Date a Magician”. We have four bachelor magicians hoping to cast a spell on our constant Tracy. Tracy, why do you want to date a musician?
Tracy: Well, I just got out of a two-year-old relationship with a DJ, so I’m not feeling that picky.
Host: Ah! Well, that’s fine. Now let’s meet our four single magicians.
Voiceover: [Cut to Marconius Wilde’s pictures on cool video effects] Marconius Wildd. There’s a slide of hand magician who divides his time between Las Vagas, Nevada and a parcel of land just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada.[Cut to Marconius enters the stage from the door with a deck of cards]
Marconius: Tracy, tonight I’m a king [showing a card, King of hearts] and I’m hoping that you will be, Tracy check your pocket.[Cut to Tracy and the host, Tracy checks the pocket and shows the card Queen of Hearts] [Tracy is not excited, but the host is very much excited]
Host: Oh my god, it’s a queen of hearts. You’re going to want to keep that.
Marconius: [Comes to Tracy and takes the card back and leaves] Yeah, I need that back. I appreciate it.
Host: All right then. Yes, next is Henry Van Dazzle.
Voiceover: [Cut to Henry Van Dazzle’s pictures on cool video effects] Henry calls himself an Artisan of Amazement on his LinkedIn page.
Henry: Charmed my lady. I always said no shackles could hold me [uncuffs himself as a trick] until I met you.
Host: [Cut to Tracy and host] Whoa, that’s impressive right?
Tracy: Yeah, it’s a cool party trick.
Henry: [Cut to Henry] If only one could be invited to a party.[Cut to Tracy and host]
Host: Okay, next is Dante Raven.
Voiceover: [Cut to Dante Raven’s pictures on cool video effects] Dante is described as a body endurance artist and the prince of self-inflicted pain.
Hey Tracy. I’m the guy for you. I once snorted a billiard ball to impress Valderrama but enough about me, I better hold my tongue. [Literally holds his tongue and pierces it with a long dagger] [Cut to Tracy and the host disgusted]
Tracy: No, please. Not again.
Host: Why Dante, why? She don’t like that Dante. That’s not magic. That’s not magic.
Voiceover: [Cut to Justin Bird pictures on cool video effects] Finally we have Justin Bird from the Brother and Sister team, Byrds of Prey. Fans say their act violates the laws of time and space.[Cut to Justin enters the stage from the door with his sister dancing]
Justin: HAHAHAHA. Indeed. And those are only some of the laws my sister, and I have violated.[Cut to Tracy and the host]
Tracy: Yeah, he’s nice, but it’s weird his sister is always with him.
Justin: Don’t want my sister around? Well, I can easily make her disappear. Vanessa! Vanessa! Oh, I thought I lost you.
Host: Okay Tracy, you are asked to go on a date with each of our bachelor magicians. Let’s start with Marconius Wilde. [Cut to Marconius staring at them] What did you do with him?[Cut to Tracy and the host]
Tracy: He said he’d already eaten so he too me to a bookstore where we browsed for three hours until he accidentally found a book he was mentioned in the thank yous.[Cut to Marconius]
Marconius: It’s an intriguing title called “Houdini’s Mistress.” Check your pocket, Michelle.[Cut to Tracy and the host]
Host: Wow, he signed it. That’s so—
Marconius: Yeah I need that back.
Host: Really? All right then. Let’s go to Henry Van Dazzle. [Cut to Henry] HenryHow was your date with him?
Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] A little weird. He took me to this Burlesque show that they do a month in pickle factory in Brooklyn.
Henry: [Cut to Henry] Oh, Burlesque, the thinking man’s erotica.
Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Yeah, I guess he thought that made it okay and fun fact, I saw his ID. He’s 55.
Henry: [Cut to Henry] That ID is merely an illusion I use to get senior discounts at Denny’s.[Cut to Tracy and the host]
Host: Okay dude. Let’s get over to Dante Raven. [Cut to Dante] How did that go?
Tracy: Dante said he was going to take me on a freaky [Cut to Tracy and the host] journey inside the mind. We actually went to a very modestly priced Italian restaurant. [Cut to Dante teasing Tracy]
Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Later when they brought the check, he asked if he could pay by running a sewing needle through his testicles and they said no.
Dante: [Cut to Dante] But I did it anyway for I’ve mastered my pain. [Hits his own head with a bottle and breaks it] [Cut to Tracy and the host]
Host: No Dante. No. How about Justin Bird? [Cut to Justin and his sister] Where did he take you?
Tracy: Oh, we went to Chile’s [Cut to Tracy and the host] which would have been fine but his sister kind of stared at me the whole time. Kind of like that. [Cut to Justin’s sister staring at Tracy] [Cut to Tracy and the host, host is shocked] It also got awkward when our waiter came.
Host: Why is that?
Henry: [Cut to Henry] Because it was me. Waiting tables is my side hustle. My lady.
Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] It’s his main hustle.
Host: Okay Tracy, if you’re willing to go on a moonlit cruise with one of these guys, we’ll pay for it. Who will it be? [Cut to Marconius acting weird] Marconius? [Camera moving to Henry, Dante and Justin, and his sister] Henry? Dante? Or Justin?
Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Oh man, it’s so hard to pick one. Would it be possible to pick nobody?
Host: Well that’s what happened last week. So let’s do it again. When we come back, we’ll tell you—[Dante comes close to Tracy in the cut] Why Dante, why? [Dante leaves] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]