Teacher…..Kate McKinnon
Student 1…..Jonah Hill
Student 2…..Pete Davidson
Student 3…..Aidy Bryant
[ Image of outside a high school. The marquee reads “Madison High School” and “Homecoming Next Saturday.” The bell rings. ]
Teacher voiceover: Whoa! [ There is loud thump noise and a group of students gasping. ]
[ Cut to the classroom where the teacher is on the floor lying on her side. ]
Teacher: Ha, ha, ha. Teacher fell down.
Student 1: Are you okay?
Student 3: Yeah, ‘cause you really fell down there.
Student 2: Yo, you need like help?
Teacher: No, no. It’s too late for that. Teacher’s on the ground. Like a silly little girl. Well, I’m not a little girl, and I didn’t fall.
Student 1: Yes, you did. Do you wanna like get up, though?
Teacher: No, no. We’re staying in this. ‘Cause, I’ve got a hunch, and I’m not a psychologist.
Student 2: Yo, this is Driver’s Ed.
Teacher: But maybe you’re laughing, ‘cause you’re afraid. Teacher’s on the ground. Everything’s different. Are we okay?
Student 3: Yeah, we’re good. But, are you okay?
Teacher: Oh, ‘cause I tripped. ‘Cause I was teaching too fast. You remember how fast it was?
Student 1: Nah, I think it was just cuz you didn’t realize your shoes were heelys.
Teacher: Say, honey, what now?
Student 2: Uh, heelys are sneakers with wheels in them.
Teacher: Impossible! This is all funny now, but it’s not gonna be funny if it turns out I have two broken legs. And I’m in a full bottom mermaid cast. Wheeled around in a trash bin, covered head to toe in the stinky trash. That’s not funny. Spaghetti in my hair.
Student 1: I think that is funny.
Teacher: Alright, you, you laugh it up. Laugh away like this is some episode of Friend.
Student 3: Do you mean Friends?
Teacher: I don’t know movies.
Student 1: [ He stands up from his desk and heads towards the teacher on the ground. ] I can’t take this, I have to help her.
Teacher: Halt! I can teach from the ground, can’t I? Yes, uh, let’s place our hands on the wheel. Okay, remember, how old are my kids? Ten and two. [ She motions placing her hands on the wheel but then falls over more. She places one finger on her nose. ] Oh. Oh my dear God. Teacher fell more.
Student 1: It’s honestly not that much different. You’re like three inches lower.
Teacher: God, I’m on the ground. Oh! I’m where I belong. They always said I was too frail. Said I wouldn’t live past three. And I wish I hadn’t.
Student 3: Oh no, don’t tell us stuff.
Teacher: You know I’ve fallen down before. Once, at my own wedding. And a thousand other times.
Student 1: Stop sharing.
Teacher: My ex-husband used to tell me, “Gail, you’re too weak. Gail, you’re too clumsy. Gail, those shoes have wheels”. Put that phone away!
[ Student 2 is texting on his cell phone. ]
Student 2: Yo, I’m calling the nurse.
Teacher: You know what? This is good. Film this. Film this. [ The screen cuts to a filming of the teacher on the ground. She is looking into the camera. ] Hello, hello. How does it feel to see teacher? Teacher who used to lord over you with such power, fallen down. Knowing you could get up and kick her. You can step on her. Come on now. Take a wiz on teacher. [ The filming ends. ]
Student 3: Oh my God.
Teacher: Get up you. Spit in my hair.
Student 1: Okay. [ He stands up, but Student grabs him to stop him. ]
Student 2 & 3: Nooo!!!
Student 1: But, she said to. [ He sits back down. ]
Teacher: Look at us. The world has gone topsy-turvy, and so have we. We’re all here we’re all laughing like cats. You oughta try it, falling down. You see the world differently down here. You realize how small we all are, and how big the floor is. Alright, I’ve learned my lesson. Someone help me up. [ She reaches for help but all of the students have left the desks, and she is alone in the classroom. ] Well, they’ve left. I guess school is over. And, what, would you look at that? [ She examines the underside of her shoe. ] There’s a wheel in my shoe. What?!
[ Cut to outside the school. ]
