The Californians- Replacing Rosa


Kate McKinnon

Devin… Bill Hader

Stuart… Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Male voice: Next on “The Californians.”

[Cut to Kate walking inside a house]

Kate: [talking on the phone] No. I’m at the property. I recognized it right away from the Bouganvia from the Cascading over the security gate. But no one’s here.

Devin: I am. [Kate is shocked] Sorry to startle you.

Kate: that’s okay. I love these beautiful beach wood floor.

Devin: Rosa cleaned them with California Meyer lemons. I miss Rosa. Look how smart she was. [Devin shows a picture of Rosa]

Kate: Oh. So what happened to Rosa anyway? Why would she give up this primo made gig?

Devin: Well, if you wanna know the truth.

Kate: Um-hmm. Tell me.

[Stuart comes in]

Stuart: Devin! What are you doing here and what were you about to say?

Devin: You weren’t here, Stuart. So, I had to show your new maid around.

Kate: I’m not a maid. I’m an estate manager from Marina, LA.

Stuart: Sorry, I’m late. Traffic run LAX was insane because Trump is in town. I drove my convertible Corvette up Sepulveda, took it to Sentinela, turned down on La Brea, took it all the way straight.

Devin: Well, you would have been on time if you had took culvar to the one, then turned right on sunset. That’s what it says to do on Google Maps.

Stuart: Devin, I use Ways.

Devin: That’s why you ended up in Englewood, bro. Ways isn’t always right, Stuart.

Stuart: Yes, it is, Devin! I love Ways.

Devin: Google Maps gives you traffic updates, Stuart.

Kate: Wait. I’m sorry. So, why did Rosa decide to leave?

Stuart: I can’t think about that right now. I have my Athleisure wear launch.

Devin: Rosa was deported.

[Everybody is dramatic making faces] [They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves] [Cut to “The Californians” intro]

Male voice: “The Californians.”

[Cut to four people hanging out]

Stuart: Thank you all for coming to my launch party.

Kenan: To Stuart’s new Athleisure wear.

Alex: Cheers to West Coast fit. I’m ready to invest.

Cecily: And Stuart, I’m so excited to be your company model. I can’t wait to wear your Athleisure on my Sunrise [gibberish] beach.

Stuart: Sumner, you’ve got the perfect look for that West Coast fit.

Kenan: Stuart, this party is a hit. Nothing could ruin it, man.

[Devin walks in]

Devin: Oh, yeah? What if I told everybody your wife left for a marine biologist in Fresno?

Stuart: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Devin. You’re drunk on that California sparkling rosé.

Devin: I’m not drunk to know that she got in her Prius hybrid and drove straight up the five towards 99 North then took exit onethirtyone.

Cecily: Exit onethirtyone? That’s the aquarium in Fresno.

Devin: She did it to get away from you, Stuart.

[emotional music playing in background]

Stuart: I just want to run away up the one-ten. On the shoulder.

[Pete walks in. He has long hair and is wearing brown leather jacket.]

Pete: I have something to say.

Devin: Who are you?

Pete: I’m Rosa’s long lost son. She told me my father would be here. His name is Devin?

Devin: [making dramatic face] What?

Pete: What is with that accent? Where are you guys from?

Stuart: We’re from California.

Pete: Well, I’m from Encino and I’ve never heard anything like that before.

[Again, everybody is making dramatic faces] [They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves] [Cut to “The Californians” outro]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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