Kate McKinnon
Devin… Bill Hader
Stuart… Fred Armisen
Kenan Thompson
Alex Moffat
Cecily Strong
Pete Davidson
Male voice: Next on “The Californians.”
[Cut to Kate walking inside a house]
Kate: [talking on the phone] No. I’m at the property. I recognized it right away from the Bouganvia from the Cascading over the security gate. But no one’s here.
Devin: I am. [Kate is shocked] Sorry to startle you.
Kate: that’s okay. I love these beautiful beach wood floor.
Devin: Rosa cleaned them with California Meyer lemons. I miss Rosa. Look how smart she was. [Devin shows a picture of Rosa]
Kate: Oh. So what happened to Rosa anyway? Why would she give up this primo made gig?
Devin: Well, if you wanna know the truth.
Kate: Um-hmm. Tell me.
[Stuart comes in]
Stuart: Devin! What are you doing here and what were you about to say?
Devin: You weren’t here, Stuart. So, I had to show your new maid around.
Kate: I’m not a maid. I’m an estate manager from Marina, LA.
Stuart: Sorry, I’m late. Traffic run LAX was insane because Trump is in town. I drove my convertible Corvette up Sepulveda, took it to Sentinela, turned down on La Brea, took it all the way straight.
Devin: Well, you would have been on time if you had took culvar to the one, then turned right on sunset. That’s what it says to do on Google Maps.
Stuart: Devin, I use Ways.
Devin: That’s why you ended up in Englewood, bro. Ways isn’t always right, Stuart.
Stuart: Yes, it is, Devin! I love Ways.
Devin: Google Maps gives you traffic updates, Stuart.
Kate: Wait. I’m sorry. So, why did Rosa decide to leave?
Stuart: I can’t think about that right now. I have my Athleisure wear launch.
Devin: Rosa was deported.
[Everybody is dramatic making faces]
[They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves]
[Cut to “The Californians” intro]
Male voice: “The Californians.”
[Cut to four people hanging out]
Stuart: Thank you all for coming to my launch party.
Kenan: To Stuart’s new Athleisure wear.
Alex: Cheers to West Coast fit. I’m ready to invest.
Cecily: And Stuart, I’m so excited to be your company model. I can’t wait to wear your Athleisure on my Sunrise [gibberish] beach.
Stuart: Sumner, you’ve got the perfect look for that West Coast fit.
Kenan: Stuart, this party is a hit. Nothing could ruin it, man.
[Devin walks in]
Devin: Oh, yeah? What if I told everybody your wife left for a marine biologist in Fresno?
Stuart: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Devin. You’re drunk on that California sparkling rosé.
Devin: I’m not drunk to know that she got in her Prius hybrid and drove straight up the five towards 99 North then took exit onethirtyone.
Cecily: Exit onethirtyone? That’s the aquarium in Fresno.
Devin: She did it to get away from you, Stuart.
[emotional music playing in background]
Stuart: I just want to run away up the one-ten. On the shoulder.
[Pete walks in. He has long hair and is wearing brown leather jacket.]
Pete: I have something to say.
Devin: Who are you?
Pete: I’m Rosa’s long lost son. She told me my father would be here. His name is Devin?
Devin: [making dramatic face] What?
Pete: What is with that accent? Where are you guys from?
Stuart: We’re from California.
Pete: Well, I’m from Encino and I’ve never heard anything like that before.
[Again, everybody is making dramatic faces]
[They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves]
[Cut to “The Californians” outro]
