Ben Carson… Sterling K. Brown
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Jared Kushner… Pete Davidson
Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon[starts with message video]
Male voice: Millions of Americans have tuned into the show that’s captivating a nation.[Cut to Ben Carson reading in his desk. Heidi walks in.]
Heidi: Dr. Ben Carson, what’s wrong?
Ben Carson: All of it. All of it is wrong.
Male voice: A drama so unnerving, you can’t look away.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: This whole thing with the president having sex with a pornstar, it just didn’t happen. [There’s a sticky note on the podium with “Stop lying Sarah” written on it. Sarah Huckabee Sanders sees it. She tears it out. Underneath, there’s another sticky note with “Seriously, what are you doing?” written on it.]
Male voice: The number one drama in America.[Cut to Jared Kushner. His room if full of empty liquor bottles. He has a bottle full of liquor in his hands.]
Jared Kushner: United Arab Emirates? Hey, this is Jared Kushner. Is there anyway that I can borrow like, $800 million?[Jared Kushner throws the bottle on the wall and breaks it.]
Male voice: NBC presents, this is US. The real life drama happening in our government everyday. The show critics are calling, “Like, ‘This Is Us’, but without the parts that feel good.”[Cut to Ben Carson with his wife]
Ben Carson: Baby, I’m scared.
Ben’s wife: It’s okay. You’re gonna make a great surgeon general.
Ben Carson: No. I run the department of housing and urban development.
Ben’s wife: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s hilarious. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Male voice: Entertainment Weekly says, “You’ll be laughing through tears. Except without the laughing. So I guess just regular crying.” With loving tributes to the many, many people we’ve lost.[Sarah Huckabee Sanders is crying over urns of Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci and Hope Hicks.] [Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders sitting with Kellyanne Conway]
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Kellyanne?
Kellyanne Conway: You’re growing up to be just like me. Maybe even better. Meaning, worse.
Male voice: And of course, there’s hella crying.[Cut to Kellyanne Conway sobbing. But she stops immediately]
Kellyanne Conway: No. I can’t cry. Ha-ha. I have nothing in me.
Male voice: This is US. This is real.