Traffic Stop: Season 44 Episode 3


Cop 1…..Leslie Jones

Cop 2…..Ego Nwodim

Man…..Seth Meyers

Cop 3…..Kate McKinnon

[ Image of a busy freeway at night. ] [ Cut to Cop 1 & 2 standing in front a car. The man is walking over to them; he has been pulled over. ]

Cop 1: Sir, just stand over here. We’re gonna ask you a couple of questions. You’re in a lot of trouble, sir.

Man: I know. I know.

Cop 2: Okay, well since you know so you know why we stopped you?

Man: I guess I missed the stop sign back there.

Cop 1: Yeah, that’s right you did. And do you know why we asked you out of your car?

Man: Not really.

Cop 2: Because you fine as hell. That’s why.

Man: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Cop 1: What my partner is trying to say is you a zaddy, and you can get it.

Cop 2: And if you act right, you might could keep it. [ The two cops laugh and high five. ] [ Cut to intro for ‘Thirsty Cops.’ The theme song is playing: Thirsty cops. Thirsty cops. They’re thirsty cops. Fighting crime but if their perp is fine, they’ll take their time. They’re thirsty cops. ] [ Cut back to the two cops with the man outside his car. ]

Cop 2: So where are you coming from?

Man: A party.

Cop 1: What kind of party?

Man: A work party.

Cop 1: Woohoo! So he got a job. [ The two cops high five again and dance around. ] He got a job. Ha ha ha ha.

Cop 2: An employed brother! We got an employed brother.

Man: Why is that such a good thing?

Cop 1: Because [ She sings Gold Digger by Kanye West. ] we ain’t messing with no broke broke.

Cop 2: Now I ain’t seeing we a gold digger..

Cop 1 & 2: But I ain’t messing with no broke, broke, broke.

Man: Sorry to interrupt your song officers, but am I in trouble?

Cop 2: Oh yeah, we might even need you to go downtown.

Cop 1: Do you like to go downtown? [ She makes a motion with her pelvic area. ]

Man: Look, I know what you guys are talking about, and this feels like harassment.

Cop 2: Okay. Harassment? Or my assment? [ The cops turn around and stick out their butts towards the man. ]

Man: Alright.

Cop 2: Okay sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Cop 1: And anything you say or do may be held [ She places her hand across her chest. ] against my body. To turn me on.

Man: I’m sorry. Is this real?

Cop 2: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Very real. Very real. Have you been drinking?

Man: I had a whiskey or two, although right now, I wish I had a couple more.

Cop 1: Ohhh, okay! So you a whiskey man? Fine and refine.

Cop 2: Okay, okay. So we talking a Seagrams 7 or more like a Seagrams 9 and a half? [ She points at the man. ]

Cop 1: Whaaat?! Look I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten a ton of DUI’s, and the process was never like this.

[ A third cop walks up to the man from off stage. ]

Cop 3: Alright, alright. What seems to be the problem over here?

Man: Oh, thank God, you’re here Officer. These two are being very inappropriate.

Cop 3: Okay, what’s inappropriate, Sir, is you walking around with that ass.

Man: Oh boy. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer cop 3 on and cop 3 sticks out her tongue. ]

Cop 3: Excuse me, my friend, I’m going to need to phone this in. Car 51 a dispatch suspect is exactly my type. Hot but not cocky. Effortless style. Repeat, suspect is exactly my type. [ Cop 1 & 2 laugh in agreement with cop 3. ]

Cop 1: We’re gonna need you to walk now, sir.

Man: No, I’m not gonna do that. This is illegal.

Cop 2: Wait, sir. Sir. You’ve admitted to drinking, and you’ve had a traffic violation. You’re gonna need to do as we say.

Cop 1: Now, walk!

Man: Alright. [ The man walks across in front of the cops. ]

Cop 1: Yes. [ The three cops check out the man as he walks. ] Turrrrnnnn. [ He turns around. ] Yeah, turn again. [ He keeps turning. ] Yahhh.

Cop 3: Hands on your knees, please sir. Yeppp. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer as the man bends over to put his hands on his knees. ]

Now sir, sir. I’m gonna need you to look back at it. [ The three cops laugh and cheer. Cops 1 & 2 do a little dance. ]

Cop 3: Hot, cha, cha. Looks like your gals got this covered, you lucky bitches.

Look enough, I swear, I’m good to drive. Okay?

Oh, well, prove it! If I was a car, how would you ride me?

I’d put my hands on 10 and 2 [ He motions putting his hands on the wheel. ] and go full throttle till I run out of gas. [ Cop 1 & 2 scream with joy. ]

Okay. Okay. He tried it.

He tried it.

I tried it. And I liked it.

[ The two cops laugh and scream with joy. Then the two cops make a siren noise waving their arms over their heads. ] [ Cut to Thirsty Cops outro with a message that says, ‘Please Drink Responsibly.’ The theme music sings, Thirsty Cops. ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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