Cop 1…..Leslie Jones
Cop 2…..Ego Nwodim
Cop 3…..Kate McKinnon[ Image of a busy freeway at night. ] [ Cut to Cop 1 & 2 standing in front a car. The man is walking over to them; he has been pulled over. ]
Cop 1: Sir, just stand over here. We’re gonna ask you a couple of questions. You’re in a lot of trouble, sir.
Man: I know. I know.
Cop 2: Okay, well since you know so much..do you know why we stopped you?
Man: I guess I missed the stop sign back there.
Cop 1: Yeah, that’s right you did. And do you know why we asked you out of your car?
Man: Not really.
Cop 2: Because you fine as hell. That’s why.
Man: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
Cop 1: What my partner is trying to say is you a zaddy, and you can get it.
Cop 2: And if you act right, you might could keep it. [ The two cops laugh and high five. ] [ Cut to intro for ‘Thirsty Cops.’ The theme song is playing: Thirsty cops. Thirsty cops. They’re thirsty cops. Fighting crime but if their perp is fine, they’ll take their time. They’re thirsty cops. ] [ Cut back to the two cops with the man outside his car. ]
Cop 2: So where are you coming from?
Man: A party.
Cop 1: What kind of party?
Man: A work party.
Cop 1: Woohoo! So he got a job. [ The two cops high five again and dance around. ] He got a job. Ha ha ha ha.
Cop 2: An employed brother! We got an employed brother.
Man: Why is that such a good thing?
Cop 1: Because [ She sings Gold Digger by Kanye West. ] we ain’t messing with no broke broke.
Cop 2: Now I ain’t seeing we a gold digger..
Cop 1 & 2: But I ain’t messing with no broke, broke, broke.
Man: Sorry to interrupt your song officers, but am I in trouble?
Cop 2: Oh yeah, we might even need you to go downtown.
Cop 1: Do you like to go downtown? [ She makes a motion with her pelvic area. ]
Man: Look, I know what you guys are talking about, and this feels like harassment.
Cop 2: Okay. Harassment? Or my assment? [ The cops turn around and stick out their butts towards the man. ]
Cop 2: Okay sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Cop 1: And anything you say or do may be held [ She places her hand across her chest. ] against my body. To turn me on.
Man: I’m sorry. Is this real?
Cop 2: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Very real. Very real. Have you been drinking?
Man: I had a whiskey or two, although right now, I wish I had a couple more.
Cop 1: Ohhh, okay! So you a whiskey man? Fine and refine.
Cop 2: Okay, okay. So we talking a Seagrams 7 or more like a Seagrams 9 and a half? [ She points at the man. ]
Cop 1: Whaaat?! Look I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten a ton of DUI’s, and the process was never like this.[ A third cop walks up to the man from off stage. ]
Cop 3: Alright, alright. What seems to be the problem over here?
Man: Oh, thank God, you’re here Officer. These two are being very inappropriate.
Cop 3: Okay, what’s inappropriate, Sir, is you walking around with that ass.
Man: Oh boy. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer cop 3 on and cop 3 sticks out her tongue. ]
Cop 3: Excuse me, my friend, I’m going to need to phone this in. Car 51 a dispatch suspect is exactly my type. Hot but not cocky. Effortless style. Repeat, suspect is exactly my type. [ Cop 1 & 2 laugh in agreement with cop 3. ]
Cop 1: We’re gonna need you to walk now, sir.
Man: No, I’m not gonna do that. This is illegal.
Cop 2: Wait, sir. Sir. You’ve admitted to drinking, and you’ve had a traffic violation. You’re gonna need to do as we say.
Cop 1: Now, walk!
Man: Alright. [ The man walks across in front of the cops. ]
Cop 1: Yes. [ The three cops check out the man as he walks. ] Turrrrnnnn. [ He turns around. ] Yeah, turn again. [ He keeps turning. ] Yahhh.
Cop 3: Hands on your knees, please sir. Yeppp. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer as the man bends over to put his hands on his knees. ]
Now sir, sir. I’m gonna need you to look back at it. [ The three cops laugh and cheer. Cops 1 & 2 do a little dance. ]
Cop 3: Hot, cha, cha. Looks like your gals got this covered, you lucky bitches.
Look enough, I swear, I’m good to drive. Okay?
Oh, well, prove it! If I was a car, how would you ride me?
I’d put my hands on 10 and 2 [ He motions putting his hands on the wheel. ] and go full throttle till I run out of gas. [ Cop 1 & 2 scream with joy. ]
Okay. Okay. He tried it.
He tried it.
I tried it. And I liked it.[ The two cops laugh and scream with joy. Then the two cops make a siren noise waving their arms over their heads. ] [ Cut to Thirsty Cops outro with a message that says, ‘Please Drink Responsibly.’ The theme music sings, Thirsty Cops. ]