Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Melania Trump… Cecily Strong
Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon
Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller
Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett
Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia… Fred Armisen
Melania Trump: Donald, Donald come to bed.
Donald Trump: Melania, Melania, I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep having this nightmare where I’m walking through a forest of blood.
Melania Trump: No, no, that was just my Christmas decorations. What’s the matter, Donald? Do you not like Argentina?
Donald Trump: No, I love Argentina. There are a bunch of old German guys who are really into what I’m saying there.
Melania Trump: Yes, and our dinner with the Chinese president went well.
Donald Trump: I know, it was hilarious. Every time he said something, I sad in bed.
Melania Trump: Yes. Very funny. So what’s wrong?
Donald Trump: I just can’t stop thinking about this Mueller investigation. Sometimes it almost feels like he’s coming after me.
Melania Trump: Oh, cheer up, Donald! You know worst case scenario. You will go to prison, and you have to transfer your money to me for safe keeping, and I have to hire a jacked hunk to protect me. I mean that’s worse case. In fact, I’m going to go think about that worse case while I soak in the bathtub.[Melania goes to bath]
Donald Trump: All right. I’ll be in soon, Honey. Oh, Donnie, you’ve really done it this time. Because you got to face all of those European leaders again. They just hate me because I’m a nationalist. What did nationalism ever do to Europe?[Rudy comes to the screen acting weird]
Rudy Giuliani: Hi, Hi. [Cut to Rudy] [Cut to Rudy and Donald]
Donald Trump: Rudy, where did you come from?
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I was hanging upside down under the balcony.
Donald Trump: What’s the latest on the mother probe?
Rudy Giuliani: Well, the good news is it’s almost over.
Donald Trump: And the bad news?
Rudy Giuliani: It’s almost over.
Donald Trump: How is my legal defense coming?
Rudy Giuliani: Well, I’m involved, so it’s not great. This might be the first time someone’s lawyer pleads insanity.
Donald Trump: God, I want to fire you, Rudy, but I can’t. You know all of my secrets.
Rudy Giuliani: Yep, and I keep those secrets where no one can find them, on nationally televised interviews. Okay. I need to run some errands before the sunrises. Good night, Donald.[Rudy opens her hands side, he has bat wings under his arms][Rudy leaves the screen]
Donald Trump: Good-bye, Rudy. All alone again. No one understands me. Who can I call? Someone who I know will always answer.[Screen splits. Donald on the left side and Michael on the right side]
Michael Cohen: Yes, hello? Michael Cohen speaking. I’ll tell you anything you want.
Donald Trump: Michael, Michael, it’s Donald.
Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, I’m not supposed to be talking to you.
Donald Trump: Come one. Michael.
Michael Cohen: I’m gonna get in trouble.
Donald Trump: But Mikey, Mikey Coco, I need a bowl of my Mikey Coco Puffs.
Michael Cohen: Okay, fine, I can’t say no to my Donald Trump-luphogus.
Donald Trump: There we go. You got to get me out of this. Who can I give up to the feds? What if I put my son Eric in some old age make-up and a fat suit and say it’s me?
Michael Cohen: I’m not sure it will work, sir.
Donald Trump: Trust me, Eric will never catch on.
Michael Cohen: Sorry, Mr.Trump, It’s over.
Donald Trump: Well, Michael, at least there are some things they can never take away from us. Our late night talks.
Michael Cohen: They got them on tape.
Donald Trump: Our vacations to Moscow.
Michael Cohen: They seized the records.
Donald Trump: What about our hairstylist, the blind man with the shaky hands?
Michael Cohen: He died like, months ago.
Donald Trump: I’m sad you’re going to prison, Michael. You were like a son to me.
Michael Cohen: Then why did you make me do so many illegal stuff?
Donald Trump: Because you’re like a son to me. Goodbye, Michael.[Cut to Donald]
God, I haven’t been this upset since I flipped out over that parking space. How can anyone think I colluded with Russia?
Vladimir Putin: [Vladimir comes in topless]
] Donnie, why are you still up? Come back to bed, babe.
Donald Trump: I’m sorry, I can’t believe you and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia had the whole handshake yesterday.
Vladimir Putin: What that? That meant nothing to me. It was just a totally improvised handshake. I’m not like, bros with him or anything.[Prince comes in]
Crown Prince: Hey, Vladi Daddy!
Vladimir Putin: Hey, in the end.
Vladimir Putin and Crown Prince: Number one!
Donald Trump: Wait, I thought I was your number one.
Vladimir Putin: Oh, totally. You’re not my side piece. You’re like my main girlfriend, and this guy is like a random hooker.
Crown Prince: Bro, [Cut to Vladimir and Prince] remember when we all race dune buggies last week?
Vladimir Putin: Yeah. And I was like did you really kill that journalist?
Crown Prince: I was like of course, I didn’t, on opposite day![Vladimir and Prince are doing their handshake][Cut to everybody]
Donald Trump: Well, Vlad, I’m sorry I had to cancel our meeting.
Vladimir Putin: No, I get it, Donnie. Hey, when am I moving into Trump Tower penthouse in Moscow? No, I’m kidding. I would never set a foot in a dump like that.
Crown Prince: Vladdy, check it. When I killed that guy the other day, Trump was like, “Oh, please tell me you didn’t do it.” I was like, “Bitch, you want your oil or not?”[Vladimir and Prince doing high-fives]
Vladimir and Prince: One, two, three, four!
Vladimir Putin: Anyway, you won’t see me for a while, Donnie. I prefer presidents who don’t get indicted.
Crown Prince: Come on, I’ll buy you a llama, and we’ll get it drunk.
Vladimir Putin: Oh, you’re so actually rich, I love you. Peace out.[Vladimir and Prince leave]
Donald Trump: Wow, who knows what tomorrow will bring? For now, I guess, all I can say is[Donald starts singing with his arms wide open]
Don’t cry for me Argentina
The truth I’m very guilty
Some little no-nos and maybe treason
But I kept my promise oops no, I didn’t[Everyone comes into the screen singing]
Everybody: Don’t cry for us Argentina
Melania Trump: The truth is I barely know him
Vladimir and Prince: All through our wild days
Rudy: My mad existence
Michael: It’s just a witch-hunt
Everybody: And we’re all witches
And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!