Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day
Eric Trump… Alex Moffat
Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro
[Starts with video clip of Trump Tower front view]
[Cut to Donald enters Eric’s room. Eric is in bed]
Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! What are you doing awake? It’s past your bed time.
Eric Trump: Dad, I’m scared. I think there’s a Boogieman in my closet.
Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, there’s no Boogieman in your closet. [Donald sits on a chair beside Eric’s bed] Have you been watching the news again?
Eric Trump: Yeah.
Donald Trump Jr.: You can’t watch that stuff, bud. It’s too grown-up.
Eric Trump: They said they’re going to indict you.
Donald Trump Jr.: Don’t worry about that, pal. But hey, I am impressed you know what indict means!
Eric Trump: Yeah, indict, there’s no sugar ‘in diet coke’.
Donald Trump Jr.: Almost, but you’ll get it. Hey, how about a bedtime story?
Eric Trump: Okay.
Donald Trump Jr.: [Donald picks up a story book from the night stand] Oh, here we go, ’twas the night before Christmas. This is a classic. And remember, if there’s ever a word you don’t understand, bud, just say stop.
Eric Trump: Okay.
Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. ‘twas –
Eric Trump: Stop.
Donald Trump Jr.: Okay, ‘twas, that’s the words ‘it’ and ‘was’ put together, buddy. It’s a contraction.
Eric Trump: Stop.
Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Contraction is a– you know what, let’s just keep reading, okay? ‘twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Eric Trump: You hear that, dad? There’s something in my closet.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah bud, that’s just the cheap steel dad uses to build his towers. And it’s blowing in the wind. Look, buddy, nothing in the closet. [Donald walks to the closet and opens it. Robert Mueller is standing in there.] See, no one’s in your closet. [Donald closes the closet]
Eric Trump: Robert Muller’s in there!
Donald Trump Jr.: [Cut to Donald. His phone rings] Eric, nobody likes a fibber. Oops, okay, I’m sorry, bud. This is my lawyer, I need to take this. Look, Eric, everything’s going to be fine, okay? I love you, buddy.
Eric Trump: I love you.
Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. Hey, how bad is it? Uh-huh, oh god! Uh-huh. But can I flip on him? [Donald leaves the room] Okay.
Eric Trump: [Cut to Eric. Robert Mueller is sitting on a chair beside his bed] Night, don.
Robert Mueller: Hi, Eric. Don’t be scared. It’s just me, Robert Mueller, your dad’s friend from work.
Eric Trump: I’m not allowed to talk to you.
Robert Mueller: That’s fine, Eric. It was pretty clear early on that you don’t know anything.
Eric Trump: Nope.
Robert Mueller: I wish I could say the same for some of your dad’s friends.
Eric Trump: Like Mr. Pillow-fort?
Robert Mueller: Manafort.
Eric Trump: And Mr. Papa-John’s-Pizza?
Robert Mueller: Um, Popodopolus.
Eric Trump: And Mr. Cohen?
Robert Mueller: You might want to start calling him Federal Inmate, 10358. [Eric and Robert start laughing] You get it, Eric?
Eric Trump: Nope.
Robert Mueller: Well, I’m glad you’re laughing but this is serious. That depends on how much you want to visit your family.
Eric Trump: Oh, no. That’s—that’s not good.
Robert Mueller: But, hey, no one knows the full story yet. You saw what I put out of it. It’s all been heavily redacted. Do you know what redacted is?
Eric Trump: Uh-huh. Like when my dad called Jeff sessions mentally redacted.
Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, that was fun. But, Eric, I just came here to let you know that now matter what happens, no matter what happens, America is going to be just fine. This is a country full of good people.
Eric Trump: Yeah. Good people like my dad.
Robert Mueller: Let’s put a pin in that.
Eric Trump: Mr. Mueller, people say you’re the worst thing to ever happen to my dad.
Robert Mueller: No, Eric, getting elected president was the worst thing that ever happened to your dad. And—Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
