Colin Jost
Michael che
[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of Molly Schuyler winning celebrating victory at right top corner.]Michael che: Molly Schuyler has set a new world record at this year’s Wing Bowl by eating 501 wings. Breaking the previous record of 28. Molly will be using the prize money to soundproof her bathroom.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a peacock at left top corner.]Colin Jost: United Airlines prevented a passenger from bringing an emotional support peacock on a cross country flight because the only emotional support bird they should allow on a plane is Grey Goose. [Picture changes to a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.] Also, when has a bird ever put anyone at ease? Let alone in a confined space. No one’s ever used the phrase, “Oh good, a bird’s inside.”