Angel… Heidi Gardner[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of series of stories in the news this week. But here with Weekend Update’s good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, Angel.[Angel slides in] [Cheers and applause]
Hey, Angel, how are you?
Angel: [cracking voice] I’m doing my best.
Michael Che: Hey, you seem kind of upset.
Angel: Yeah, well, it’s the weekend. So, guess who’s gonna fight.
Michael Che: Your boyfriend?
Angel: Yeah. That’s right. Tommy is fighting.
Michael Che: Are you going?
Angel: No. I’m not going, okay? I will not be at that ring and I will not be at my house. But I will be at a house, and that house belongs to my sister because I’m taking my kids to my sister’s.
Michael Che: Okay, Angel. Let’s talk about some good news. Are you excited for the royal wedding?
Angel: Oh, god!
Michael Che: What did I say?
Angel: Oh, yeah. Make a Meghan Markle. You think you’re marrying a prince on a white horse? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Until my prince riding on a white stretcher, alright? Fairytale’s over. You know, I may buy most of my groceries at a gas station, but I’m a good mom to my kids. Mikey, Mickey, Pepper and my precious baby Keno.
Michael Che: You named your son Keno?
Angel: Daughter. So, if Meghan Markle decides to walk down that isle, I won’t be at that royal wedding.
Michael Che: Were you even invited?
Angel: Doesn’t matter coz I’m taking my kids to my sister’s. Did you hear? Did you hear me, Michael?
Michael Che: Yeah, I heard you.
Angel: Did Colin? Coz I want Colin in the loop.
Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m hearing everything you’re saying.
Michael Che: Hey, this is a fun story. So, this week a woman donated $1 million to Washington State Parks–
Angel: Oh! Washing State Parks. Yeah. Are you kidding me? You think just because you win a little prize money, suddenly everything’s gonna be okay? All the money in the world ain’t gonna change what’s coming to you. That’s right, global warming. And when climate change knocks you out, Washington State Parks, I’m not gonna be there. I’m gonna be at 555 Whiney Bulger way.
Michael Che: And that is–
Angel: My sister’s, alright? And I’d go to my brother’s but he is in prison and his wife’s a bitch.
Michael Che: Yeah. We should probably move on. Did you hear Roseanne is back?
Angel: Oh, what? What? I thought they retired that show in the 90s.
Michael Che: Yeah.
Angel: But now they’re gonna bring it back? And I’m supposed to believe that it’s different just coz Darlene’s got a gay son? No, I don’t need no fancy reboot, alright? I’m ride or die. I still watch “Fraiser” at VHS. Yeah.
Michael Che: Hey, Angel, I was just wondering. Where are your kids right now?
Angel: Oh, you sick Michael. At my sister’s.
Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.