Angel… Heidi Gardner
Tommy… Matt Damon[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]
Michael Che: With the holidays coming up, everyone can use a little cheer. Here with “Weekend Update’s” good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.[Angel comes in]
Angel: Hi Michael.[Cut to Michael and Angel]
Michael Che: Hi Angel, how are you?
Angel: You know,I’m hanging in there.
Michael Che: You have any big holidays plan?[Cut to Angel]
Angel: Yeah, well, you know, Tommy’s got a big fight coming up on Christmas so I guess the only thing he will be getting from Santa is a concussion.
Michael Che: He’s boxing on Christmas?
Angel: Not as far as I’m concerned. [Cut to Angel] I mean Tommy can get his sleigh bell rung all he wants but if he goes to that fight, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.[Cut to Michael and Angel]
Michael Che: Okay, Angel.
Angel: You hear me, Michael, the kids, I’m taking them to my sister’s.
Michael Che: All right, well here’s some good holiday news. How about that? Tyler Perry made headlines this week when he paid off over $400,000 in Walmart layaways.
Angel: [Disappointed] Oh–
Michael Che: What? What’s wrong with that?[Cut to Angel]
Angel: I mean, what are you doing, Tyler Perry? You think you’re some hero, paying for people’s Christmas presents? Well, my kids already got their Gronk jerseys. What they need is their father. So unless you’re gonna be there on Christmas morning to say hello, then my biggest family reunion will be missing a few people, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.[Cut to Michael and Angel]
Michael Che: Okay. All right.
Angel: All right? That’s where we will be on Christmas, Michael. At 343 Donnie Wahlberg Way.
Michael Che: Let’s just change the subject. You’ll like this. ‘Creed II’ has made over $100 million at the box office. Did you get to see it?
Angel: [Disappointed] Aww—
Michael Che: What did I say now?[Cut to Angel]
Angel: Oh, if you think for a second I’m taking my kids to see Creed’s kids fight Drago’s kids and not my sister’s kids and my sister, then you lost your damn mind, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s![Cut to Michael and Angel]
Michael Che: Come on, Angel, everybody loves another ‘Rocky’ movie.
Angel: Oh, yeah, [Cut to Angel] how many more sequels? Which one is enough? Michael B. Jordan? Nah, Michael be needing his Catheter changed three times a week. All right?[Cut to Michael and Angel]
Michael Che: Angel, it’s just a movie.
Angel: Oh, Michael, you think it’s a movie—until it’s your life.
Tommy: Angel! [Tommy comes in] Angel!
Angel: Oh, my god! Tommy, [Cut to Angel and Tommy] what are you doing here?
Tommy: I can ask you the same thing. You said you were taking the kids to your sister’s.
Angel: Yeah, yeah, well, I did. And then I came here, to my job. I’m doing the news now for Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy. Michael is confused.] And it turns out I’m pretty good at it.
Tommy: What? [Cut to Angel and Tommy] Now you’ve been on ‘Update’, you think you’re better than me?
Angel: Yeah, Tommy, I do.
Tommy: Look, I may have been born in the back of the cheers bar, but everyone knows my name, Tommy Ray Donovan, fighter and father to Mikey, Mickey, Peppens, Keno and the baby.
Angel: What do you mean?
Tommy: You’re pregnant, Angel.
Angel: Oh, my god![Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]
Michael Che: How does he know before you?[Cut to Angel and Tommy]
Tommy: I love you so frigging much.
Angel: I love you so frigging much, Tommy! Now you go out there and punch that man until you kill him! All right?
Tommy: I will.
Angel: All right, it’s Christmas!
Tommy: That’s right.[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]
Michael Che: Angel and Tommy, everybody!
Tommy: We’re naming the kid Gronk!
Angel: Even if it’s a girl.